He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

[Stunnershaz]

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

Just a gut feeling. I do hope I am truly wrong though! X

This reminds me of the Pina Colada song. Personally, I would arrange to meet him then turn up and ask him outright what he thinks he is doing. You can't go in like this ignoring it and devaluing your self worth.

I would ask him to book a hotel. I'd turn up to check his car was there.i'd message to say I'm going to be late. I'd go home, photograph and being off all messages. Delete all snapchat from my phone.
Then I would start to get all my ducks in a row and be withdrawing cash.
I'd bide my time.

Agree with the pps about coming up with a safety plan. I also suspect he knows its you. I don't use snap chat but doesn't it come up with distance? So he could see messages coming from near your home? Please stay safe op x

You need to get your ducks in a row. Keep the messages going with him on the fake account but put off 'meeting' for a bit. Screenshot all the messages so you have proof of what he's said if he suddenly deletes his account. Meet with a divorce lawyer and explain your situation and get a good idea of what you are entitled to, you may need some time to get evidence of money, property etc. Then you have a choice, just let things go on as they are , knowing full well he's a cheating arse, or arrange to 'meet' and confront him, preferably with divorce papers in hand.

Yes this, @Stunnershaz particularly remember her point that:
"...his ignorance of your knowledge is your only power here. Don't throw that away. And don't let your mum do it either."
As difficult as it may be, she'll need to hold her tongue, and act anaware, and not let the cat out of the bag until the time is best for YOU to show your cards.

I don’t understand why op should leave her home and children.

Dh can leave.

I would concentrate on engineering that.

Are you part of the older generation that would pride yourself on manners as well as proper English @NoNoNona ? If so, perhaps improve your own failings before you insult someone in distress and give terrible advice.
Being too old is not an excuse to be nasty. Too ignorant I could believe.

He’s just sent me his number and said add him on watsapp what now??????

Ignore him

Say can we do telegram. It's more secure. You don't want your kids accessing your messages on whatsapp as they want you to get back with their dad

This popped into my head too. He seems just a bit to quick to meet up.

Any chance he could have guessed it's you OP?

I don’t know how you haven’t confronting him yet? I would have gone ballistic. I would have demanded answers.

Sorry but he must not only be a cheat but a complete idiot too. Didn't he wonder why this random beautiful woman added him on Snapchat out of nowhere and wants to chat? Did he ask where she had added him from?? Who would think this is real?? On Snapchat pretty sure u can see someone's profile and score meaning he must know it's a brand new account which is also extremely suspicious. For his stupidity alone id ditch this loser tbf.

I think he knows

As per a previous post - once you know your definitely ending it/leaving - transfer half the money from any joint bank accounts. This is what I did after checking with the bank that it was legal. I was told that for a joint bank account that legally all funds are classed as being owned 50/50 even if the account has been funded by just one of the account holders. Also, it seemed that one person couldn't remove the other person from the joint account without their agreement. So you have nothing to lose and have no guilt by taking half the money. I did my transfer the day I left - after leaving. Just be mindful that if you don't take your share that he could well remove funds himself. I made sure that I'd also got a bang upto date bank statement the day before I left and on the day so I had physical proof of the bank balance before and after I'd taken half out. Be strong and keep it all to yourself until your ready to end it. I can't explain the relief I felt when I plucked up the courage to leave. Please promise you will give an update that your ok once your nightmare has ended x

Tell him your phone is currently in for repair and you're using Snapchat app on the iPad

Just say you’re happy with Snapchat
Don't let him control this too

You’re in charge now!

You’re so brave hun! Will
deffo keep you updated x

There's so much swearing on Mumsnet.

horrid bloke

Same

Well if he doesn't he really is stupid because I just can't imagine anyone believing this

You said you were coming down with something, now you've said you want to meet on Monday, he may know irs you, I wouldn't contact him or answer any more messages now,

@Stunnershaz I’m so sorry you’ve had the shock of finding out such deceit.

While the fake account has helped confirm your instinct was correct, I wouldn’t keep responding on there. If he found out, he could report you (for using someone else’s photo). If you must send a friend to spy if he arrives for a meet up, for goodness sake make sure they don’t let him see them.

Get advice from Women’s Aid but adding my voice to others here, that if you feel safe (because he doesn’t know you know or are planning to leave) it may be best to stay there until you’ve sought legal advice, gathered all the information you can on his finances and weighed up your opinions. I believe teens under 18 get to choose which parent they live with and how often they see the other parent. So, be aware that if you move out, there’s a risk the kids may prefer to stay in their home (i.e. with their dad). Better to stay until you’ve figured out your best option. You may be able to remain in your home with your kids. But only stay if you feel safe.

Feigning illness is a good way to disguise your shock and hurt. Say you feel like you’re getting the flu and you have sore eyes (in case he notices if you’ve been crying). Lots of viruses going around right now last a few weeks, so may help you get through Xmas. Don’t have a drink if it might lead to you blurting it out to him.

Again, get advice from Women’s Aid. But for safety reasons, while you remain in the same house, be very careful who you tell if they know him. If you tell your mum, are you 100% sure she won’t get funny with him, blurt something out to him or tell someone who might tell someone else who knows him? If she might, just tell your mum you’re not happy with him, rather than the entire story.

If you’re not great with technology and he pays for your phone, ask someone tech savvy for advice (hopefully someone on here) on whether he can check your location, search history etc. Do you have security cameras in the house? I strongly advise setting up a new bank account for yourself if you don’t have one and getting a new phone if he pays the bill on your current one, both registered to your mum’s address for now perhaps.

Much better to make a planned move. But if you feel at all unsafe, listen to your instinct and leave immediately. So have an emergency bag packed and with your mum/a friend (with your important documents etc if he won’t notice them missing). Good luck!