He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

[Stunnershaz]

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

Sorry you are going through this OP. He is an arse and you are worth so much more.

You know enough about what he is prepared to do. You don't have to prove adultery for a divorce. Just put off the meeting - something came up and never contact him again via the app. People get ghosted all the time. You shouldn't confront an abusive man in a humiliating situation, no matter how tempting. You need to prorect yourself rather than following some of the advice on here where people like to stir up drama. This is your real life, not some episode of a reality television show.

What you need is a solicitor and some legal advice. A family law solicitor should be very approachable. Don't cry on their shoulder - they may be sympathetic - but you don't want to run up a bill while you pour out your woes. I think some may have an initial free consultation so you could ring around. You need to work out how you'd cope financially too. Is there a mortgage? Do you work? It sounds like the children are older so at least you won't have childcare costs.

You should resolve never to give your power away again. Try to get out of the tracksuits. I know it's tempting when you've put on weight to just find something you own that's easy and fits and keep wearing it whether it really looks good or not. I just had to accept I'd gone up a size and buy some replacement clothes.

Stay strong but bide your time. Get advice and make sure you come out of this with as much as you can.

You’re married, half the house is yours, as are half his investments and pension. Don’t go without sorting your paperwork and take him for every penny.

I think I may have messaged after the photo to say “oh what about your five kids, why you denying they exist, great father you are. Tell your wife before I do” and then I’d watch him in a panic while he sweats. Is it too late to do something similar?

Can you arrange to meet somewhere where you can turn up as well? I mean like say to meet in a local Costa Coffee, then you go in at the meet up time and say Oh, hi, what are you doing here, I thought you were busy at work?
You could even message him to say running a bit late, can you order me a …. drink-he-would-never-drink, please? Then sit down with him and wait. He'll be cacking himself.
Then if he messages you to cancel the meet up, your phone would ping right next to him.

But if this would be dangerous, obviously don't do it.

Don't cancel the golf trip - that could be your weekend to do whatever you need to do in the house - packing or whatever.

You must see a solicitor before you do anything.

Your knowledge of what he's up to and his ignorance of your knowledge is your only power here. Don't throw that away. And don't let your mum do it either.

You need to make careful plans and ignore the people urging theatricals here. They won't have to pick up the pieces afterward.

Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.

I would keep going as normal and get my ducks in a row. Copy all papers bank, pensions etc. Without him knowing make an appointment with a solicitor (maybe more than one, pay in cash if necessary, to see where you stand.
Why isn’t the house in both your name’s? Surely after being married so long you are some compensation.

Good luck and keep quiet for the moment. Say you are not feeling well and he should sleep in another room.

It seem to be a fantasy of some men, not that they don't love the kids, they are just duping the person they communicate with because they just wants to feel like they've still got it or something. He obviously doesn't expect a relationship with that woman since he's lying about basic stuff. Remember the song Pina colada?
Years ago when I had my profile on a dating site (with a picture removed), I got a message from a man who's profile was hidden too. He sent me the picture himself and it was my former university friend's husband! He was a muslim arab but used a european name (LOL) and also told me he was single and no kids. They had 2 kids.
Years later, they seem to be still together based on her Facebook picture. And she is a beautiful and charming woman as to what I remember from the university.
It's pathetic and immature, but looks like these men don't know any better. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I deleted his number as I know it from heart. It asked if it wants to allow contacts I said no. I checked it all on google before making the account

@Stunnershaz OP I have a bad feeling about this man .
I hope you can manage keep quiet and get sorted with all the good advice about finances paperwork and a solicitor before breaking.
Sound alike you have only got hit afar as he has got to do as he please and never had to work at a marriage or be a partner.

if your thinking of going to your mums please plan that properly too.
Schools . Clothes items etc.

Do you have access to money /bank accounts ?
can you ask him to purchase you a car if your own then you have that when you leave ?
say it’s your Xmas present and get it put in your name. Taxed and insured for a year.

Sounds like this man is a dab hand at lying and cheating. .The chat with you is not the first .

I'm all yours! Baboushka Ya Yai!

He’s extremely clever and always a step ahead so with this Snapchat thing I’m just so baffled as how easy he is saying let’s meet and stuff

The thing with him is he never questions the amount I spend as he’s a very high earner and from wealth anyway but he will check and see what I’ve spent it on and will have a discussion on what I’ve brought but never said you can’t buy it

Are you sure he doesn’t know it is you?
he is maybe playing along to see what you do?

Your title reads like a Daily Mail headline…

Like for example I could go shopping and spend a £1000 on clothes and he won’t mind but he will say oh I see you spent £1000 on clothes did u get what you need so he will always check the account. I have a joint account and a single account. The single account has a few hundred pounds where I would secretly buy his gifts and stuff

Oh don’t say that hun x

I don’t think he would ever think I would dare do this

I would want to make him sweat too, but bide your time for now as you need to get to a solicitor and get things sorted before he realises that you know and are leaving him. So don't give him the head's up just yet. Get your ducks in a row first.

Then I would message him with the fake account on Snapchat and say you know he is married and has children and he needs to tell his wife before you do.

And then I would tell him (in real life) that it's over, you know he's been unfaithful and have been sent evidence. Don't let on he was ever speaking to you. Don't go into details, you can just say "I've seen the evidence, it's over, here are the details of my solicitor" and repeat.

Guys I’m going upstairs now to bed. Just going put the tv on and act the part he will be home in a bit. I will just sleep it off tonight and my mum will be with me tomorrow

If he isn’t bothered about £1000 on clothes I would set up a pension scheme for myself and back pay all I could.

Thus is the best response. It took me ages to get my exh to admit he was cheating.

I agree with the advice to use this time now to get ready. Whilst you are "ill" it's a green light for you to be a bit distant and less available, which is a handy excuse when you want to just boot him up the arse for being a cheating wanker.

There was a very good thread for someone who found out her H was cheating, and then was planning to leave and wanted to try and get as prepared as possible.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake?postsby=CoatsProtectionLeague

I would not go and meet him.
While it might seem entertaining for readers on here, I think it’s a dangerous game to play.