Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

And sadly the man you thought you loved doesn’t exist. He’s an illusion, a fake.

You have to keep remembering this. This is the truth.

Honestly I worked with a woman who was seeing a man for several years. He turned out to be married (no shock) but he actually got divorced and remarried - all while still dating this woman and she didn’t have a clue unail her mum overheard a conversation down the pub between two of his mates.

These men are fucking unbelievable the lengths they’ll go to just to avoid the truth.

It's awful for you OP. And for your DD.

He is just digusting low life to do this to you and also to his wife and child.

And at this time of year things really get magnified because we're presented with the expectations that it should be a happy time. But the reality is very different for many many people.

You will get through this OP. He is the one who has behaved atrociously. Your only fault was being too trusting , and many of us are very guilty of that

Sending you all best wishes.

You have to ask yourself, "if he has been separated for 4 years, why would he have to lie about it and be uncontactable while at home?"

It's all bullshit OP I'm afraid. He's doubling down in the hope that you'll believe him and not explode his home life.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I agree with PP that it's only right that his partner should know. He's hoodwinked you for this long, but he's done exactly the same thing to her too. As painful as it is for you, you are ultimately better for knowing, as would she be.

When you say you don't think you can do this what do you mean?

Who separates and lives together with their partner for four years and takes no steps to move out? I bet the “separation” would come as a shock to his cohabiting partner. Absolute wanker.

Yep. I would get my mortgage that his DP has absolutely no idea they’re separated

It sounds like he is still in a relationship and is cohabiting. You are his bit on the side. He's a lying piece of trash and you are better off without him OP. Please walk away now and don't waste any more of your life with him.

You are a trusting and wonderful human being op, and he is the lowest of the low. You could have wasted another ten years had you not posted. You can cut your losses op. It’s really important that you do.
You can find an honest and loving relationship in time, one that will not hurt you like this.

Wow. People can be as nasty as they like to an OP on here but if you call it out, your post gets deleted but the original nasty post stays???

Just another person saying what an arsehole and I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Be kind to yourself.

Did you say the C word? Not that it should matter.

No I used the word nasty, that's all.

Shocking that like 😉🤣 What is mn coming to?

I should've just used the c word. Lesson learned 😆

You loved the person you thought he was.You don’t have to tell your DD anything other than you are no longer together.

Oh no, life is tough for the poor poor man. It's terrible that he feels bad, how dare you make that poor innocent man feel like that with your questions and hysteria 🙄 His fake name meant something, don't be so ungrateful. And now he's struggling with money and can't afford his home. You need to help him! Why don't you suggest to move in with him and his partner like a sister wife set up.

What an absolutely walloper 😡

Update: I’m on the train back from his city. Went to check with partner if they are really separated. First address they had moved out 18 months before. Second address was his parents. They were lovely and appalled. Told me Him and his partner are very happily together. Called him to deal with me. He arrived, drove me to station apologised and begged me to not tell his partner because it would blow up his daughter’s life. Claims no physical contact with partner for 6 years. My heart physically hurts.

I'm so sorry to read your updates. Do not blame yourself. None of this is on you.

Wow OK that was very brave of you, well done. Trouble is, he and his "DP" are not very happily together, their relationship is built on a tissue of lies.

What a 48hours you’ve had op, very brave of you. He is such an awful person, lying still till the last.

You are so brave to confront him head on OP.. And what an absolute piece of shit he is still gaslighting. He is the one who has blown up his family life not you. Do what you feel is right when the time is right but don’t give in to his emotional blackmail if you think telling his partner is the right thing. Bearing in mind his parents now know he’s a chest.

How he has the cheek to beg you not to tell her after hrs lies and cheated for 4 years - of course you feel devastated. You’ve just found out the man you were in love with doesn’t exist.

You might feel it right now but posting on here and gaining strength from the support of women on here is the best thing you could have done.

Oh dear. What a shocking bombshell for his parents to deal with.. I’m assuming his wife will either know by now or very soon.

While I do think his wife has every right to know I can’t help but think this is an awful way to confront them.

Um, this is not ops issue to worry about!!! If he was not cheating for 4 years they wouldn’t be in this position.

Of course op had to know the truth, had a right to know the truth. As does his poor wife! If it’s truly a sexless marriage she won’t be in the least bit surprised. Except we all know a ‘happy’ marriage usually involves a degree of intimacy.

He does not need or deserve to be protected from his own actions and decisions.

This thread is about op, and her feelings and I hope you will offer some support rather than sympathising with that douche. Op’s life has been blown apart.