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Original poster

Is there any other explanation?

392 replies

Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 03:16

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 18:53

Felt awful for the parents. His name came up there on the electoral register so I thought he and his partner lived there. It wasn't my intention to confront his poor parents. He had been playing happy families with his partner, dog and child while I was alone and he will go back to it while I have nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 18:59

We were looking at houses and discussing decorating! 🤯 Now he says his intention was MAYBE we could be together when his DD moved out/had her own life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 19:00

He came to my daughters sports days/school concerts 🤯

OP posts:
Calmhappyandhealthy · 13/12/2024 19:00

Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 18:53

Felt awful for the parents. His name came up there on the electoral register so I thought he and his partner lived there. It wasn't my intention to confront his poor parents. He had been playing happy families with his partner, dog and child while I was alone and he will go back to it while I have nothing.

I'd get some counselling, if I were you

You have been very gullible and very badly treated

You deserve to be helped to rebuild your self esteem and pride so that you can understand why this went on for so long and avoid anything similar happening in the future

It's awful for you, but at least you know now and can start to sort your life out 🥰

Petrasings · 13/12/2024 19:01

Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 18:53

Felt awful for the parents. His name came up there on the electoral register so I thought he and his partner lived there. It wasn't my intention to confront his poor parents. He had been playing happy families with his partner, dog and child while I was alone and he will go back to it while I have nothing.

This is not your problem op. Look after yourself this has been an awful shock. His parents will know him better than most, but probably didn’t think he would sink so low and will probably feel awful for you.

Christmas lunch will be interesting. Assuming there is one after this….

TwistedWonder · 13/12/2024 19:03

Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 18:59

We were looking at houses and discussing decorating! 🤯 Now he says his intention was MAYBE we could be together when his DD moved out/had her own life.

He’s a lying cheating future faking cunt- sorry not sorry to be so blunt.

He’s lived a complete lie for 4 years and this might not be his first time.

How did you meet if you don’t mind me asking?

Petrasings · 13/12/2024 19:03

It is time to leave him to his lies, and figure out how he managed to remain in your life for so long without being detected.
How he continued to deceive you in plain sight? Why you didn’t probe sooner and deeper?
How did this happen?

Your mind needs to move on to this now op. He is the least of your problems so to speak. I am sorry.

RetroTotty · 13/12/2024 19:08

Now he says his intention was MAYBE we could be together when his DD moved out/had her own life.

Are you going to be waiting the 10 or so years for him?

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 19:11

Petrasings · 13/12/2024 19:03

It is time to leave him to his lies, and figure out how he managed to remain in your life for so long without being detected.
How he continued to deceive you in plain sight? Why you didn’t probe sooner and deeper?
How did this happen?

Your mind needs to move on to this now op. He is the least of your problems so to speak. I am sorry.

Edited

Thank you for the focus. He would get angry when I probed and he made me feel such happiness, so maybe I didn't want to rock the boat/it was less of a headache to dismiss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 19:12

@TwistedWonder on Hinge dating app

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 13/12/2024 19:16

Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 19:12

@TwistedWonder on Hinge dating app

So he was out deliberately looking to cheat on his partner?

What a disgusting creature he is

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 19:24

Seeing him was hard. I just wanted to hold him tightly and forever and pretend this never happened. Wtf.

OP posts:
friendlycat · 13/12/2024 19:42

Petrasings · 13/12/2024 19:03

It is time to leave him to his lies, and figure out how he managed to remain in your life for so long without being detected.
How he continued to deceive you in plain sight? Why you didn’t probe sooner and deeper?
How did this happen?

Your mind needs to move on to this now op. He is the least of your problems so to speak. I am sorry.

Edited

This is so true. I mean it very gently but you really did ignore so much for so very long.

You really need to focus on the person that he actually is (rather than the one in your head.) He is a compulsive liar. He really is not a nice person. You don't know the real person.

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 19:50

I may explore this further when I have the strength. Superficially, I'm a busy doctor, single mum, with no family support and give a lot of time and attention to my DD, so there's that. He made me feel so secure in his love for me which I don't understand.

OP posts:
Petrasings · 13/12/2024 20:20

Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 19:50

I may explore this further when I have the strength. Superficially, I'm a busy doctor, single mum, with no family support and give a lot of time and attention to my DD, so there's that. He made me feel so secure in his love for me which I don't understand.

He lied to you.
You were never secure.
You didn’t even check to see who he was op.
You are damn lucky nothing worse happened to you or your teen dd. Damn lucky.
As a minimum you should know a man inside and out, every detail, his background, his family, his credit history, his legal status, every damn thing. For years. Before you allow him access to your life or your child.

You have been dangerously complacent.
I would stop crying about what could have been with this wretched cheat of a man, and start counting your blessings, that he didn’t harm your child or ruin you in other ways. Thank god you can just walk away unscathed, this time.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 13/12/2024 20:50

Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 19:50

I may explore this further when I have the strength. Superficially, I'm a busy doctor, single mum, with no family support and give a lot of time and attention to my DD, so there's that. He made me feel so secure in his love for me which I don't understand.

You totally and utterly misread the situation for 4 years.... which is why I suggested earlier that you get some therapy

I think that's absolutely crucial

AnonAnonmystery · 13/12/2024 21:06

Petrasings · 13/12/2024 20:20

He lied to you.
You were never secure.
You didn’t even check to see who he was op.
You are damn lucky nothing worse happened to you or your teen dd. Damn lucky.
As a minimum you should know a man inside and out, every detail, his background, his family, his credit history, his legal status, every damn thing. For years. Before you allow him access to your life or your child.

You have been dangerously complacent.
I would stop crying about what could have been with this wretched cheat of a man, and start counting your blessings, that he didn’t harm your child or ruin you in other ways. Thank god you can just walk away unscathed, this time.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly this when you meet someone online, I met my dp online, did background checks, checked his Facebook profile and his ex wife’s. profile too and I could see she was with someone else. I did a further check which I paid for too to make sure he didn’t have criminal record. The I met his ex w before I met his kids. I spent time with his kids and saw what kind of dad he was. 2 years into relationship he met my kids. It’s sad you have to be so careful these days.

The ops dp preyed on her vulnerable position which makes him even more awful.

TwistedWonder · 13/12/2024 21:12

AnonAnonmystery · 13/12/2024 21:06

Exactly this when you meet someone online, I met my dp online, did background checks, checked his Facebook profile and his ex wife’s. profile too and I could see she was with someone else. I did a further check which I paid for too to make sure he didn’t have criminal record. The I met his ex w before I met his kids. I spent time with his kids and saw what kind of dad he was. 2 years into relationship he met my kids. It’s sad you have to be so careful these days.

The ops dp preyed on her vulnerable position which makes him even more awful.

Show quote history

Totally agree. Every date I’ve had from OLD I’ve done my due diligence as much as I can prior to the date and then even more afterwards.

I can’t imagine letting the OPs situation go on for more than a few weeks, let alone 4 years.

Sadly he has taken advantage of her vulnerability and naivety because I can’t imagine many women would have let him get away with this for long.

AnonAnonmystery · 13/12/2024 21:19

@Thisagain4 please don’t take what I’ve posted as a criticism of you. You are going though so much. You will get through it and come out stronger. There are some decent ones out there if there’s any comfort as met my dp online and we’ve very slowly integrated our lives and families together. It’s been just over 4 years now. Take some comfort in that your dp must have felt something for you but it was all very wrong in other ways.

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 21:35

No I appreciate the constructive advice thank you. Just flailing around at the moment replaying different parts of the past 4 years. I have a history of anxiety and depression and mast cell activation and am terrified they're going to flare up once the adrenaline wears off.

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 13/12/2024 21:40

It's bloody awful what he's done. This isn't on you, none of this is your fault. He's been future faking and why wouldn't you believe him. He's scum.

Sending you big hugs ❤️

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 21:44

Oh and parents were definitely not racist

OP posts:
HowardTJMoon · 13/12/2024 21:45

Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 19:11

Thank you for the focus. He would get angry when I probed and he made me feel such happiness, so maybe I didn't want to rock the boat/it was less of a headache to dismiss.

Show quote history

He was probably doing exactly the same to the mother of his children. Every time she asked him where he'd been, or why he was so protective of his phone, he'd get angry with her and turn it around on her.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. To realise that your trust has been betrayed to this extent is absolutely crushing. You didn't deserve this. But he's been lying to you all along. Now you know how ready he's been to lie to you (and his partner) in the past, you really shouldn't pay much attention to what he says to you now that he knows that you know he's a liar.

AnonAnonmystery · 13/12/2024 21:47

Thisagain4 · 13/12/2024 21:44

Oh and parents were definitely not racist

Yes I was thinking this! They sound kind and took their son to account.

friendlycat · 13/12/2024 22:03

The thing is he’s lied to everyone. Literally everyone even himself in some ways. Normal people really don’t behave like this as you know.

But the problem is the warning signs were all there to see, but you ignored them because you wanted to believe the false situation that you were presented with. That’s the worrisome thing of all of this. Others would have questioned the behaviour six months into the situation, not four years.

But you really can’t love someone who has lied to you, his wife and child and given a false name to do so. He really was an illusion and not real.

For instance if he came to you tomorrow and said I’ve left my wife/partner and child and I want to be with you surely you would not think great he’s now mine as he’s certainly no prize to win?

Nobody should be lied to like this. Not you or your daughter. Not his wife/partner or their child. You even mentioned that he’s worried about the property that’s recently been bought that he’s worried about paying for!

But in amongst all of this you must look at why you were so prepared to ignore such obvious signs that he wasn’t really available. A normal relationship doesn’t involve what you experienced, it involves much more.