Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

So sorry you’ve had to find out like this @Thisagain4. Be kind to yourself. Thanks to the super sleuth Mumsnetters!

Oh, come on...😁How gullible can you be? The excuses from this man are up there with 'the dog ate my homework...'

@LoyalMember its not a way to treat a person in shock and pain. Go spread your nastiness somewhere else.

All my family are an 11hr flight away. Just me and DD 😢

Yes he lives with the mother of his child

You need to contact her OP. She has been lied to and cheated on for 4 years.

Would you not want to know?

Why are you even here??
Do you come on Mumsnet just to bully people anonymously?

Im so sorry to hear your latest update. I went through something similar- his wife lived in another country, he assured me they were separated then I found out he had brought her over to live with him and he seemed to think we could just carry on as we had been 😡
I was very angry with myself for a long time, but now I think actually it's all on him for being a vile deceitful liar

She needs to know what a lying cunt she’s living with.

If you do it anonymously then make sure that you include indisputable facts - dates he was with you etc. If he’s such a good liar that he’s lead a double life for 4 years then he’ll be capable of manipulating her that it’s not true .

100%. Sure he’ll have his story lined up already.
@Thisagain4 main thing right now is to look after yourself though. You’ve got to scrape the shit off your shoe to walk properly- cleaning up the mess can wait a little longer.

Just get on a plane?

This must be really painful @Thisagain4
Don't l beat yourself up - the arrangement worked for you, he was a consummate liar who made you feel it was real and it wasn't until you pushed for more that the cracks showed. Learn the lessons from this, get yourself some counselling to help you process it and tell his poor DP - but only if you've got proper evidence.
I wouldn't bother speaking to him again. He doesn't deserve anymore of your time.

I'm sorry that you have discovered his double life, but it's for the best that you have.

There really were multiple signs indicating that he was not what he seemed. Perhaps some gentle reflection on how you ignored so much would be useful going forward.

You also need to keep reminding yourself that your memories of the "happy times" you spent together were all based on lies and subterfuge. Every single time you fall into the trap of mourning what you think you have lost it's important to remember that he wasn't genuine. You wouldn't want to love a man who lies as he does. He is not a nice person.

Seeing someone once a week for four years, and not being part of their life in any other way, isn't a relationship.

How old is your daughter?

Sorry OP 😥😥😥😥

How did you work it out?

He admitted to it when I confronted him with the evidence. They're apparently "separated" but living together. Both our DDs are 13. How could he do that to mine?

Ah that old chestnut
It's amazing all these men 'separated but living together'

Sadly he is just a liar so he's lied to his partner/wife, to his DD, to you and to your DD.

He's led a double life for four years and he's still feeding you complete lies. If they were separated but living together for financial reasons you would have met friends, family, he would have stayed with you, not been uncomfortable in his home town etc etc.

He's just a wrong un.

So he’s been separated but living with the whole 4 years?

Sorry OP but he’s a liar. This is the first line in the cheats handbook. I bet he claims they haven’t had sex in years as well. They all peddle the same old shit

Yikes. I'm glad mumsnetters helped you find out.

You'll get through this. Hurts like hell when it happens but it makes you stronger and wiser in the end.

It's an awful time of year for it to happen 😞

He was going on about how shit he feels! And the history of the fake surname he chose! And how he can't afford the house he bought recently for his family. Like what? 🤯

The end of my marriage 8 years ago almost broke me, I don't know if I can do this again. I loved him more than my ex husband and believed I had found my happily ever after!

There's so many of these twats about unfortunately
I know someone whose dp manangedto have a baby with his ex wife while they were 'separated' she still didn't ditch him .

Classic DARVO making himself the victim in his self made deceit. He’s even lied about his name for 4 years - he’s an absolute cunt OP to put it bluntly.

And sadly the man you thought you loved doesn’t exist. He’s an illusion, a fake.

Please block him for your own sanity.