Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

It doesn't really matter what the reason is. You're not getting what you need/want from this relationship and there's no reason to believe it's ever going to improve. Being blunt, I wouldn't even class it as a relationship, more a regular booty call. Why wouldn't you free yourself up so that you have a chance of meeting someone who might actually commit to a relationship? You will never get back the time you waste on this dead end.

If I’m being completely honest op, yes of course he has a double life.
There’s an excellent chance he’s married.

But can we just focus on the most bizarre part of this? 4 years!
For 4 years you have been seeing him for only one day a week. You have never met his family, the two of you have never aligned your holidays from work up and gone away together or just spent a whole week together at one of your homes….

4 YEARS!!

You know you’re the OW op, but you’ve been in denial. It’s taken 4 years but the scales are falling from your eyes.

If a relationship hasn’t moved on after a year, that’s a red flag in itself. Get out. Just get out. You deserve a man of your own, one who makes you the centre of his world

I haven't thought about whether I'm going to tell the partner tbh. Still reeling. I'm in the mind to not do anything atm.

I wouldn’t do anything like tell the partner tbh esp if there is a child involved. But at the moment let it sink in, you are upset. The anger will come at some point.

Book yourself and std test and yes in a way his partner needs to know as she also needs a test as her agency has been taken away from her. It just occurred to me.

I’m sorry your worst fears have been confirmed. Please try not to be too hard on yourself, you were genuinely invested in this relationship and will need time to heal now , the same as from any other breakup.

What an utter piece of shit. Tell his partner, please. She deserves to know what an utter wanker she’s got on her hands. I’d be so so angry if I were you. Racist parents indeed - wanker. I’m so sorry for you and your DD. The fact that he formed a relationship with your child who grew attached to him is unforgivable. He must be a sociopath.

I would. She deserves to know.

Yes I changed my mind on that in the post directly underneath this one… I would want to know.

Four years of this! What a shitbag.

If you do tell, maybe consider doing it after Xmas?

I’m so sorry. Feel embarrassed to be a man at times like this.
Should you tell his partner? Yes, I think so. She’s actually a victim too, think anyone who had been cheated on for so long would deserve to know.

I bet you weren't the only one either op
Yuck
Yes I'd tell his wife
I would want to know if I was the wife in this situation
She might already know what a shitbag he is but just in case she doesn't she should know so she can decide what direction her life takes with this knowledge

You HAVE to tell his wife/ensure she has proof, even anonymously.

A close friend of mine was the wife in this scenario. She KNEW her H was cheating, but he lied to her face, in marriage counselling, to the GP.

She ended up in a really bad physical and mental state, on antidepressants, hair falling out, not sleeping etc, because she genuinely thought she was going mad.

She could SEE reality, but her H was denying it and telling her she was mad (as were his parents who bizarrely supported his second relationship, but not enough to be honest to the wife/rest of the world about it 🙄).

The truth finally came out when the OW had a child and she lived so close it couldn't be hidden.

A decade and a divorce later and my friend is still not back to the person she was. She still doubts herself, had to wean herself off the antidepressants that she never would have needed if he'd told her the truth from the start.

It absolutely wrecked her and I wouldn't wish that life upon my worst enemy, her H would have sent her to a mental health facility rather than admit the truth, it was evil.

Definitely. He was making plans with another woman for moving in after his child went to uni. Her life is a lie.

So sorry OP you must be devastated. Personally I would tell his wife.

I'm in a senior professional job believe it or not and am incredulous at how stupid I've been. I thought I was giving him space and time with his DD. Bought him an expensive Xmas present. Stomach is in knots at what I'm going to tell my DD. So much for my "delirium" and "monthly meltdown"

God what a fucking twat. FOUR YEARS! That's so awful. Please consider telling his DP, I'd want to know. When I found out about an affair my XH had the very worst thing was that everyone knew and no one said.

Yes it is evil. I know a couple similar to this were friends of my parents. The husband moved his family across the country but claimed he had to stay in London during the week because he had a business there. He claimed to be trying to sell it but said he couldn’t advertise it as his staff would get worried so selling was going to be slow 🧐 I remember telling my mum that sounded like bullshit when I was only 12 or so. Anyway five years later he finally moved to join them and then spent ages telling his wife she was mental and losing it when she asked if he was cheating. He was finally found out and had also been cheating for the five years he was in London. His wife has never had another relationship since as she is so scarred by it.

I came on here to say this. It's a judgment free zone, you can post anonymously, put up his photo and others will tell you what they know about him.

I'm so sorry you've been treated like this @Thisagain4 but at least you know now and won't be kept stringing on endlessly. Hope you heal and find the love you deserve and that deserves you.

You're just a nice, normal person OP, and you wanted to believe that he was too. Not a despicable cheating liar.

Oh @Thisagain4, I take it from your updates that he’s admitted he’s been living a double life?
Im so, so sorry. I can only imagine how much you’re hurting. You won’t see it yet, but in time youll be so thankful you posted on here to help the scales fall from your eyes.

You don’t deserve this, you deserve to be the centre of someone’s world, to have commitment. And you’ll find it, when you least expect it and when you’re ready

You are not stupid! It honestly wouldn’t occur to me either that someone would do that. I mean why? What is the motivation for these utter knobs who set up home with two different women? I also can’t understand how anyone can be so callous about someone’s feelings and a child’s feelings.
Did he lie about his name then? Well done to whoever found him out.

Try not to blame yourself- some of us are naturally trusting. And some are deliberately manipulative. When you put the two together, bad shit happens. I’ll bet his OH is trusting too….
DD? As long as you don’t lie to her - she doesn’t need to know the whole truth.
I hope you’ve got friends close enough you can be with now so you don’t need to feel you’re alone with this.

@LoyalMember
How lovely ❤️ are you this kind to people in real life going through a hard time? Or do you save it for strangers on the internet when you're anonymous?