Does a day off mean sex?

[MarvinTheMarshall]

DH had a day off work yesterday to do some Christmas shopping then present wrapping whilst DCs are at school.
DH suggested a “quickie” when we get home from shopping. I didn’t want to. He was quite grumpy then.
I have no sex drive since having DCs. We do it about once every fortnight in bed on a morning. He doesn’t ask for more. It just saddens me this day off I looked forward to became about that and now ended on a bit of a low note.
Does an empty house (kids out) mean sex in your world?

It doesn’t mean we HAVE to have sex but we do take advantage of the opportunity whenever it happens, my husband wouldn’t be annoyed if I didn’t want to or vice versa but we both do tend to see it as the rare chance we get childfree!

Definitely sex on a day off here.

If we’re both in the mood then definitely

Dh isn’t really the type to ask for daytime sex (his grandparents lived with him and his parents were very religious and I honestly think this has rubbed off on him)

why not? There is nothing Sad about wanting to have sec with your partner in a loving relationship
why do you see it as such an upsetting thing?

Sounds like he was in a fun mood rather than sticking to once a fortnight at the same
time and place.

Yep, we take advantage when the house is empty. I find it harder to fully let go when the kids are in the house, so the sex is definitely better when we are alone.

I have no sex drive since having DCs. We do it about once every fortnight in bed on a morning. He doesn’t ask for more.
that's a you problem, I feel a bit sorry for him

He wanted to have sex with you. It's nice that he still fancies you and wants to be intimate. The issue isn't the wanting sex it's the grumpiness because you don't want sex. You shouldn't be manipulates to have sex or coerced.

Yes we do! We've got teens and young adult children, so we make the most if it.

Sometimes, yes if we have done everything we need to do for the day and we're just lying together relaxing. That will usually lead to sex. But we have it quite frequent anyway, when the kids are asleep. When they are out it's better because we're more uninhibited.

You are right, I’m the problem. I feel sorry about it too.

I think it’s really hard when you’re incompatible sexually to be honest OP. I wouldn’t be happy with only having sex twice a month in the morning in bed for the rest of my life, as a short term thing e.g. when we had a really young baby it is what it is but I wouldn’t that to be my life forever.

Yes probably most of the time, especially a relaxed day off like that. I don't think it's wrong you didn't want too though, maybe a trigger to think about if your current sex life is working for both of you?

Once a fortnight same time same place sounds pretty dull.

I get you not feeling like it but sometimes it is a case of the more you try the more you want. I also fully support anyone's right to say no if they choose BTW.

But marriage is about mutual needs and sometimes giving a little helps feed the relationship and keep a happy ship.

Have you spoken to your GP about your change in sex drive? It could be a result of a medical issue or hormonal imbalance. Are you happy with your current sex life?

The sulking / grumpiness is the issue for me. You should be able to say no without a teenage sulk. It would be a right turn off for me. Remind me of Kevin and Perry

It's definitely on the table!! We wouldn't always depending onnour plans but it's nice to get the opportunity in the day when we're not knackered. However, if either of us suggested it and got knocked back, the other wouldn't sulk.
Tbh it sounds like this is a deeper issue and maybe it would be helpful to explore why you have no sexx drive since children. Without knowing exactly what season you are in, it's hard to say but it would be nice to work towards a more mutually happy sex life perhaps. There may be a few sacrifices on both sides, but I'm sure it would be worth some attention.

You’re right. I can pretend a bit more.
when he gets home in a short while we will have a spare forty minutes before kids get home so will do it then.

It's definitely on the table!! We wouldn't always depending onnour plans but it's nice to get the opportunity in the day when we're not knackered. However, if either of us suggested it and got knocked back, the other wouldn't sulk.
Tbh it sounds like this is a deeper issue and maybe it would be helpful to explore why you have no sexx drive since children. Without knowing exactly what season you are in, it's hard to say but it would be nice to work towards a more mutually happy sex life perhaps. There may be a few sacrifices on both sides, but I'm sure it would be worth some attention.

What does he do to put you in the mood for sex (other than suggest a quickie 🙄). If he's keen for more he should be making an effort rather than getting grumpy. I imagine with the right connection with someone your libido would come racing back.

I don’t think pretending is the answer OP, you shouldn’t have sex that you don’t want and it should be very obvious to him whether you actually want to or are pretending, physically there is an obvious difference, and I’d hate to think my husband was just pretending or going through the motions to “get it done”.

No one is telling you to pretend more op

I mean, for us, a child free house is pretty much a guarantee that we’ll be making the most of it(!) but what’s normal for one isn’t for another. I don’t think you should have to pretend op, that’s sad in itself. I don’t think anyone’s really suggested that. I’d be looking at why you feel that way and why it lead to so much upset and thinking about how to rectify that moving forward.

I just think me pretending gets us by. I don’t like sex, I don’t want sex, I feel no drive to go speak to a doctor about trying to want or like sex more. But for the sake of my marriage I can pretend to be normal.

WTF?! You are not the problem. Nobody should be having sex against their will and sulking about not get sex is abusive.

I do wonder about the division of labor and general intimacy between the two of you. Do you share the load with regards to household chores and childcare duties? Do you each support the other emotionally? Are you affectionate with each other without the pressure of it turning into something sexual?