Does a day off mean sex?

[MarvinTheMarshall]

DH had a day off work yesterday to do some Christmas shopping then present wrapping whilst DCs are at school.
DH suggested a “quickie” when we get home from shopping. I didn’t want to. He was quite grumpy then.
I have no sex drive since having DCs. We do it about once every fortnight in bed on a morning. He doesn’t ask for more. It just saddens me this day off I looked forward to became about that and now ended on a bit of a low note.
Does an empty house (kids out) mean sex in your world?

I think that is overstepping. She mentioned he was a bit quiet after. I think this is often how men deal with being upset. They tend not to do the whole tears thing but can go withdrawn and grumpy. Id be upset if my husband rarely wanted to have sex with me so I think his feelings are valid.

My partner has a high sex drive and if he goes more than a day without it he is grumpy. It isn't directed at me though but I notice he gets frustrated by things. I can't even imagine what he would be like at 14days! Noone should have to have sex if they don't want to but if the other partner does then they deserve the right to be upset.

I do feel for the OP as it's not a nice situation to be in. I don't think there needs to be blame placed anywhere is neither has done anything 'wrong'

I am a woman - I would feel very sad and rejected if my partner didn't want to have sex with me and only 'let' me do so every two weeks

This is not to shame you but to focus your mind: if you would like to have a happy marriage then you need to press this with your GP, do counselling, adjust your routine - whatever is needed. I wouldn't be happy in a sexless relationship and expecting your DH to accept it forever is unrealistic IMO. Sounds like he is taking things with a good grace TBH so might be a man well worth keeping

Does an empty house (kids out) mean sex in your world?

Absolutely it does. But we both fancy each other and like shagging. Part of me would die a mournful death at having a reluctant shag every two weeks because DH felt he had to. It sounds awful for both of you. I also don’t like morning sex.

I totally get your point, and agree. Obviously there's a big difference between pressuring someone via the silent treatment or grumpiness and just feeling a bit disappointed. But there are a couple of things that bother me.
The poster said that his behaviour wasn't just a bit quiet, he was 'very grumpy' and made the day end on a 'low note'. 'very grumpy' could range from being a bit quiet/disappointed (acceptable), to being actually rude to her (unacceptable), withdrawing affection unless she sleeps with him (unacceptable), making the day unpleasant for her (unacceptable).

It's one thing to feel disappointed that you can't have sex. It's another thing to actively ruin your partner's day off through your behaviour because you can't get what you want.

On a Friday afternoon, husband finishes work at midday (he WFH that day) and I am home around 2 pm from work. Quick bite to eat and then sometimes a 'quickie' before our son comes home from school (he's a teenager, so we don't collect him). However, an empty house doesn't automatically mean sex is on the cards. It just means, it is sometimes.

Yeah we generally would unless someone was ill or something but my DH wouldn't sulk if we didn't.

I hear you. I didn't read the 'very grumpy' note. If his mood is bad enough to ruin OPs day then I agree with you that an open conversation needs be had.

I agree with this but I do think there’s a bit of grey area.

Taking your example of “withdrawing affection” as unacceptable, if I’ve tried to initiate and my husband said no I would feel quite rejected, would I necessarily be rushing for a kiss or hug after that? No. Because I’ve been rejected, I’d feel rejected, and the more you’re rejected the less likely you are to feel comfortable to be physically intimate whether that’s sex or a cuddle. If we were only having sex on a schedule every 2 weeks in the morning I’d feel really quite disconnected from my partner, and if he had this attitude of “I don’t want it, I don’t know why and I don’t want to explore why”, that harsh boundary would make me feel even further disconnected, I wouldn’t be particularly forthcoming with affection in those circumstances either.

You see all the time on here women posting for advice as their partner is not having sex, has ED, and doesn’t want to seek help or figure out why/fix it, they are all told to leave.

Depends on the other half if they prefer it

You really need to communicate how you are feeling towards sex to your partner. He is owed that much if nothing else.
It's quite deceiving and immature to not let him know how you are feeling, whether it's intentional or not. He will most likely be aware that this is a grey area in your relationship and being feeling rejected, insecure and frustrated.

This is coming from a woman who has been in a dead bedroom as the low libido partner and then had the shoe on the other foot.

I don't think people realise no one wants duty sex, they want to be WANTED. And of course that's something that no one can force or fake. Duty sex will only work for so long, mark my words whether it's now, in a couple of months times or next year, it's not a sustainable way to keep a relationship going. Eventually resentment will build, potentially on both ends and it will eat away at your marriage. This is why, whether you care for sex or not, it's really important you pull the incentive out to speak to a GP, get your hormones tested, go to sex therapy.

No it may not be an issue for you, but if you love and care for your husband and he isn't asexual and still cares for sex, that should be enough for you to want to do something about it.

A quickie is code for "let me wank off into you".

So you were right to say no!

If you were incredibly aroused then that might have been different, but I've never had a quickie which involved enough foreplay to make me aroused or orgasm, so I've learned that a quickie is for men's benefit or when y9ure trying for a baby and can't be arsed.

If your husband can't understand that you need effort on his part, then he will always be wanting.

Does for us! We make the most of not having DS around and having to be quiet 😂

I couldn’t disagree with this more and I’m sorry this has been your experience with men!

Me too. I Iike a quickie when it's spontaneous. That feeling of being desired and having to 'have it out' there and then is amazing.

A scheduled quickie less so.

I am sorry you have been having sex with shit and selfish men.
This has not been my experience.
A quickie can be passionate, highly charged and exciting for both participants.

There's no particular circumstance that "means sex" if one partner doesn't want it. And a man who sulks when he doesn't get sex on demand is a misogynistic abuser.

If both in the mood I don't see a problem with it.

You husband acted fairly 'normally' by wanting to have sex / be intimate with you while you had the house to yourself.

You of course have every right to say no, and without him being sulky about it.

That said, there's a big difference between 'he thre a strop and now isn't talking to me - he always does this' and 'he's a little quiet because he feels I'm always rejecting him and he worries I don't fancy him anymore'.

If he is otherwise a decent, kind man, who doesn't try to control you with his moods, and doesn't think you owe him sex on demand, then perhaps it's more the latter.

Don't pretend to enjoy sex, or have sex you don't want. That will do you and your relationship more damage. If he's a decent person, he'd be appalled to know you'd lied, and to know he'd basically had sex against your will.

But you do need to have an honest conversation about your sex life, I believe. Allow each other time to talk about how you feel about it / what you'd like to change, and then you can both decide if you're happy with that way of living.

Whaaaaast??!!!

absolutely fucking not.

each to their own I guess!

Please have a conversation with your husband: I know you having sex when you don't want to feels like a worthwhile compromise to keep your marriage but I would feel sick to my stomach if someone told me they would rather scrub a patio or whatever than sleep with me and were just doing it because they liked the life we had. He deserves a partner who wants to have sex with him as much as you deserve not to have sex you don't want to have. I don't think him being off with you after a rejection is okay, but equally I think it's a sign that - if he's generally lovely as you say - something needs to change. You're getting more than you want and he's getting pity maintenance sex - I'm actually all for scheduled/maintenace sex during periods of low drive etc - IF you actually really enjoy it once you're there. If you're dreading it and want to skip to the penetration to get it over faster then that's a problem IMO.

No she didn't. She said he was quite grumpy then. And the day ended on a low note, not that he had made that happen. That could just as easily be that he was a bit despondent for a few minutes because he had tried to be spontaneous instead of fortnightly morning missionary sex. He had been rejected, which is hurtful. The day ending on a low note (for her) could easily come from her knowing she had been a bit cold towards him and pushed him away.

I find him expecting you to have sex when you don't want to and then throwing a strop quite disgusting. He doesn't care about your wants, he just wants to use you as a wank tool. Utterly foul the lack of respect. His hand should do perfectly well.

This... is absolutely brutal. I think anyone would be devastated if they knew their partner would rather clean the loo than have sex with them.

Having sex you don't want isn't the answer. You shouldn't do it ever, and indefinite duty sex isn't sustainable. (Note, I think duty sex where you force yourself to go through the motions while hating every minute is different from maintenance sex where you make a conscious decision to prioritise sex even if your mind is more on cleaning or sleep, knowing that when you get into it you'll enjoy it.)

Unilaterally deciding to make the marriage a sexless one isn't sustainable either.

You're going to have to talk to him about how you're feeling. Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's just a you problem though. Yes, seeing a GP or sex therapist or whatever can be helpful, but have a think about what kind of sex you really want, deep down. Or that you wanted, back when you had a libido. The kind of positions and fantasies you might not have ever vocalised. Sex isn't just something men do to you, or that men should lead on - particularly when how your husband is going about it isn't turning you on. You can take the lead on the kind of sex you want.

Don't moan that he wanted it. He was in the mood.
If you weren't in the mood then explain to him what helps you get the the mood.
Time to exercise and have everything shower? Compliments? A good nights sleep? Him making an effort to wear clean smart clothes? The dishes and laundry being all done and put away without you having to tell anyone to do it? All these things would free up most women's brain space so she could relax and feel a bit sexier.

Did you always feel like that or only since being a tired busy mum?