Does a day off mean sex?

[MarvinTheMarshall]

DH had a day off work yesterday to do some Christmas shopping then present wrapping whilst DCs are at school.
DH suggested a “quickie” when we get home from shopping. I didn’t want to. He was quite grumpy then.
I have no sex drive since having DCs. We do it about once every fortnight in bed on a morning. He doesn’t ask for more. It just saddens me this day off I looked forward to became about that and now ended on a bit of a low note.
Does an empty house (kids out) mean sex in your world?

It’s not nasty abusive sulking, honestly. But he made a suggestion and I knocked him back and he was a bit quiet after and I think reasonably miffed that he was rebuffed.

The thing is pretending is not going to get you by, he will know if you don’t like or want sex and won’t want to have sex with you under those circumstances. It’s no fun for anybody and it will only make him feel worse, and you will feel resentful if you’re having sex you don’t want to have.

You have the air of someone about to scrub a toilet or power wash a particularly mucky patio 😂

I dont think you should have sex you don't want but I also don't think he should have to be in a sexless marriage. If you're sexually incompatible then your relationship might not survive. It's sad but relationships change and so do people's needs.

Honestly I might rather do that

What we're things like before the kids?

"But marriage is about mutual needs and sometimes giving a little helps feed the relationship and keep a happy ship."

Sorry OP, but I so agree with the above statement. Sex once a fortnight at the same time is hardly inspiring is it? I hope you don't "lie back and think of England" too. The kids were out, the mood was a bit festive and he thought .... bingo! I'm not surprised your DH is feeling downcast.

Pretending won't get you by. Not long term.

Finding out that the person you love has been lying to you, and that every time you've had sex with them you've not wanted it, is devastating.

And at some point he will work it out,

Have you ever enjoyed sex? If not, then you owe it to him to tell him. He can then decide whether he's happy to remain in a sexless marriage, or you can talk about opening the relationship etc.

If you did used to enjoy sex, then you owe it to both yourself and him to try and get that back, via therapy or other means.

But in my view, lying about sex in order to maintain a relationship, is just as bad as lying about anything else in order to get sex.

Honestly, you need to open up to your husband and tell him the truth. You don't want sex any more and you're not interested in putting in any effort to find out why that is or to improve things. He deserves to know how you feel.

You most certainly shouldn't be pretending or having sex that you don't want, but you need to accept that if you neither want sex nor want to work towards changing that, then your marriage is likely over.

Can you try to make more effort. ?
Can you speak to your dh to see if anything he can do to help ?

That doesn’t sound fun or the right way to address this though. You could have been writing about unblocking the toilet then, or some other task you are putting off.

Could you start small with intimacy? How about a massage or something like that?

Thos isn’t nice for either of you, but I would talk to him about it

So did you tell your dh this when you were dating , engaged and getting married ?
Does your dh know what you have just said here?
Does he know that once you married him had kids he had to have a barely non existent sex life with his wife .
Do he have a choice in any of this ?

Don't, then.
And you are not "the problem".
I fucking hate sex and everything around it since
I was a teenager, went on to marry a decent man three decades older, this was one of the reasons.
Now at 45, I'm very happy to be sex (and child) free and wouldn't think about going to a GP to "want it".
(Yes I'm straight if relevant).
It's obvious your husband is the problem with his attitude.
However, it needs addressing, otherwise you probably would be better off living just with your kids.
(I also pretended for my husband around twenty years ago, now there's no need).
Yuck.

I agree with this.. but you'll get people who say he's a sex pest abuser on here because it's Mumsnet.

He's entitled to fancy sex with his partner, and he's entitled to initiate it.
You're also perfectly entitled to say no, but pretending isn't fair on him, or you..

Have a conversation with him but if you subject the marriage to no sex it may not survive. You don't sound sexually compatible. What happened? Why has this happened, and why don't you want to do anything about it? Does he share the load with the kids and housework?

How do you figure that the dh is the problem. ?

OP trapped a man simple. Certain women lie and pretend they like sex long enough to trap a man.

Take his choices away from him and then complain when he cheats or leaves .

If you have no desire to be intimate with him then you need to be honest and tell him that. He deserves to know the truth and made a decision based on it, and you shouldn't have to have sex you don't want either.

You can do what you want but no one has told you to pretend anything

As always a massive drip feed with these kinds of posts!!!

OP, "pretending" to enjoy sex or just doing it out of a sense of duty is completely wrong. And unfair on your husband.

I'm guessing if you have kids in school then you are 30s / 40s? In which case, are you really going to spend the next 40 or so years of your life just "pretending" you like having sex? And hoping your husband is ok with that?

He obviously fancies you and wants to be intimate with you but if you don't feel the same then you need to be honest with him.

What you are currently doing is lying.

Sorry, but I really feel for your husband. No wonder he seemed a bit put off—pretending everything is fine doesn’t change the reality, and he’s likely feeling pushed away, which can be really painful. You might feel the need to pretend in order to hold the marriage together, but I honestly doubt that this approach will last in the long run. Apologies if that sounds negative, but that’s how I see it. Having absolutely no sex drive and showing no interest in addressing that is a serious issue. Do you even want to be with your husband? With no intimacy in the relationship, you might as well be housemates.

If the roles were reversed, half of the MN would probably be suggesting that the husband doesn’t want to have sex because he’s seeing someone else.....

Eh? Trapping men by pretending to like sex! Do you know the op?

Jesus Christ

If he's getting grumpy and sulking when you say no to sex, this is a DH problem not a you problem.

You both need to sit down and have a talk about this and be really honest. He needs to respect your boundaries and not act as if you owe him sex (that's how it sounds, correct me if I've misinterpreted) and you need to be honest and stop pretending to want it.

If you can have a discussion about it instead it might lead to more happiness for both of you. At the moment it sounds a little miserable for both parties. But he shouldn't be pressuring you for sex. In my opinion mistreating you for saying no is pressure.

For us as a couple, a day off together with no DC would mean sex 100%. It doesn't mean it has to for others though. I dot' think you should pretend you're up for it.

I much prefer daytime sex as it feels much less rushed and I'm not (as) tired! I heard a little bit of a podcast that said if we (as women) can see sex as playtime/our fun time and not yet another thing to check off the to do list "for" the man, that can help a lot with wanting sex. I try and remember that ("this is actually a fun thing to do! We're connecting! Touching is nice!") and get into that mindset when my mind is attempting to go through a mental list of 500 things to do.

Is there a way sex could be more enjoyable for you? What would you need for that to happen (more childfree time together or alone? different sexual technique? more non-sexual intimacy? less drudge/housework to do? feeling like more of a team with DH?). Did you enjoy it before DC?

I'd be interested to know if you have ever wanted or enjoyed sex or is this a change for you? If it's a change it seems sad to lose that fun without trying to find out if you can get it back.

Like many other things sexual interest thrives through practice, and I think that what you have interpreted as people asking you to pretend is more thoughtful than that implies. For example it can happen that through initially agreeing to make love even if you're not in the mood that can (with the right kind of warm up) get you back to enjoying it. Once a fortnight probably isn't helping.

If you want to save the relationship some more intimacy of any kind would seem a good idea.

She didn't trap him! She said she's gone off sex since having children so it'll be hormonal or tiredness or lack or support- something has changed for her since having their DC. Don't listen to these critical posts OP.