When do you just know its wrong?

[LostInMyLife]

So I am in a tricky situation with DH. For months he has hardly been near me physically, we have been intimate about every 6 weeks, I have lost weight, my low self esteem thought it was how I looked and I have been trying to initiate us being intimate but it never happens, he does struggle with his mental health or he has the classic "headache" everytime. The low self esteem has completely gone altho the weigh loss has given me a little more confidence in myself and I feel better in myself despite how I feel within the relationship.

Anyway over the weekend I stood near DH and he had a long text message on his phone and he turned it away from me, I think that was the final straw and everything clicked. Now this sounds silly but last night I woke up as he turned over and he actually put his arm by me and moved away, I realised he has tucked his blanket so he was actively not touching me. I shot up and woke up, and I can't speak with him, in my head there must be someone else otherwise why would he check out all day. I have been to work then took dd out, got back and had a long bath I haven't actually spoken to him today, I can't face it but moreover he hasn't spoken with me either. Now if he acted like that out of nowhere I would be checking in to see how he is...clearly he doesn't care anymore. I am heart broken, weve been together nearly 20 years and were nearly 40, weve never been like this. But now looking back I can see it's been like this for months and I am so scared. I don't care if he leaves but I care about dd, and how it will impact her. She is closer to her dad than me, it breaks my heart but I work full time and support the household, he is just around more. I don't know what to do.
Am I being stupid? I just feel lost.

I also don't want to look for evidence because frankly it's not about someone else, although that would be a deal breaker but how I feel now it enough for me. What do I do?

@LostInMyLife I will make one more small suggestion - look at ‘extreme day trips’ on Facebook- might give you some inspiration for short breaks for you two. Anything else - I’m going to shut up about. If I say anything it sounds patronising (not my intention) because it seems you’ve got your shit together so well. Sending hugs, you’re a bit of a star, I think.

@mrsmagooandtheblueshoe thank you. I think your right I'm just used to doing everything by myself, and as you can tell my the version of me at the start of the thread it didn't help me, not as much as when I actually leaned on my support system. I guess it's just guilt.

@Bittenonce I would NEVER think of you as patronising! And thank you for the suggestion I will certainly have a look at "wild fun breaks" sounds hilarious and fun, at the very least something to create some very different memories for me and dd. H was never one to book holidays or days out so yet again I am assuming that will fall on me but hopeful that I am surprised and he does plan some nice things for dd this year, time will tell.

Quiet day over here. H messaged me (I realise I call him H rather than EH it is purely through laziness of using another letter...he's had enough fron me) he asked if he could come around in the day tomorrow when I'm at work and take the dog out, I didn't mind I don't mind if I am being asked then it's on my terms, the control is now mine.

I did however find it hard him messaging me, we barely speak, like if it's not about childcare we don't say anything and that's at most twice a week. Its more someone who i have spent years talking too everyday and they are gone from that part of my life. I thought about it earlier something funny happened at work and I wanted to share it with him, then it hit me, why did I want to? He barely tolerated what I said and rarely acknowledged anything i found funny, we didn't laugh or have the same personality i don't think we ever did. Im not saying I'm a laugh a minute but I do love to joke and laugh, it's something I do often with those around me but never him. Strange what realisations you have at random times...this was driving home from work.

Dd is a bit quiet, she has been ok though but il keep an eye on her. No plans for the weekend yet, i will try and get something planned to look forward to, nothing big just something so it doesn't look wide open.

Right off to bed.

Maybe other people want to hear these funny little things that happen? I was surprised how
much my friends and family were interested when I started sharing small things from my
day with them instead of exH. I just hadn’t been in the habit of doing that because I’d always defaulted to contacting him. It made my other relationships stronger, it was nice to
branch out a bit and I now get more varied reactions to my mundane news

@LostInMyLife suddenly you gave me a big wobble reading your last post, seems you found a raw nerve. I had years with EP where we shared everything we saw, said, heard, did, thought, wanted- it was a hard to break that habit. Actually so ingrained that when she went off to find herself on multiple tinder dates she still felt compelled to share the more grisly details - which was painful. She’s stopped that now (thank God) but ‘normal’ contact and conversations still feel strange because we both know there’s stuff that we don’t want to be shared. Sorry, you don’t want to know this and it’s no use to you at all - just needed to offload

@LostInMyLife

Him contacting you unexpectedly and also changes in 'what it used to be like' are going to create unexpected feelings for some time. This is completely normal and to be expected. It's just your mind's way of dotting all the 'i's and crossing all the 't's on its way to complete acceptance of the situation and in making your 'new' life your 'usual' life. This will happen less and less as time goes on.

Even if we want the divorce, even if we know it's the best possible thing it's still a 'letting go' of the dream and the plan for what our life was going to be. And now that's gone so it's natural to have a period of sadness and adjustment.

Hi @LostInMyLife

Still following your journey and highly impressed with your dignity and grace.

I don’t usually comment because the others have usually said anything I would say but just re the coming round when you are out….I find this highly suspicious that “Mr. I have no petrol to drop/collect DD” suddenly wants to expend petrol and take the dog out when you’re not there. I suppose it’s possible that Captain Selfish is missing the dog, obviously you know him best. I would just be wary of allowing a precedent of him going in when you’re not there: he may well want a nosey round to see if he can see what you’re up to or he could be looking for documents or payslips…I’ve also heard of mysterious (and petty) disappearances of sunglasses/glasses/favourite jewellery or passport, which people are convinced their ex is responsible for, but they can’t prove anything if ex denies it. You won’t expect him to do anything like that because it’s not something you would do but I would be cautious around unsupervised access to house - just wanted to mention the possibility.

All the best xx

@Uol2022 thank you, i have been sharing my funny stories with my sister, we had periods of our life where we weren't that close, always there for each other but just not the real closeness but this has brought us together. Trauma bonding I think. She has been my absolute rock, and we're both flourishing with the stronger bond.

@Bittenonce I am so sorry my post hit a rawness in you, i would never want to upset anyway even unintentionally. It's hard not sharing the stories but as I said H never listened, he told me a few times to "stop talking about work" when I never shared the hard bits only the light things, he was never there for me and it hit it home. But your more than welcome to offload anytime, I'm always here as you have been for me.

@AcrossthePond55 I do know that divorce is the best thing, our life together is over and there is no going back. I find myself thinking less and less about when we were together in a positive way, the nice memories are tainted as now I see his true behavior behind them in some little details I didn't notice before. We have our new normal (me and dd) and it's nice, we talk more, have grown more close which was a worry when I started this journey.

@Peachy2005 thank you. I am very aware of what is in my house and I am not sure of his intentions on coming in, a part of me thinks he misses the dog but I know he will be stopping, there are no payslips here everything is online, literally there is nothing here he could find that would help him I removed all the important things months ago and I haven't brought them back, not whilst he has a key.

Me and dd have had a nice week, busy but nice in our routine. Dd stayed at H last night but again she went late and I will collect her from her club later.

Spoke with my sister again yesterday and we both agreed that he isn't the dad we thought he would be, the lack of effort from him compared to when we were together is shocking, like two different people but I think its because I am not there, there is no audience to be a good dad, when he has her he makes no effort at all and does nothing with her. I may not be going lots of different places and spending money I can't afford but I am having conversations with dd (he is barely when she is there from the bits she's said or when I've read between the lines) take her to visit family, discuss school and make plans with her for the year with what we want to do. I don't care what he does but I care about how it is affecting dd, and I can see she is pulling back from him. There's something they always do together, dd loved it and it was her special time with her dad, its been 2 months and she has refused each time to go with him, its.on again today I asked her and she said "mom i just don't want to go, I want to come home" I said that's fine and I will pick you up, I am asking but respecting her feelings if she doesn't want to go, I am not sure if H is even asking her now, if he isn't it's more rejection for dd. But I can't get involved he needs to be making the effort for her but I don't think he will ever realise or admit how he is with dd is wrong.

Me. Well I am doing ok, had a busy but rubbish week at work, nothing exciting just mind numbing but it pays the bills and I will take no drama all week so it's quiet and peaceful even if a bit boring. Like I said me and dd have had a nice week together in our little routine and I've made some plans for mothers day weekend, nothing spectacular but some nice plans all the same. I am assuming H won't take dd to get me a card but it's going to be shocking for him it's the first time in nearly 20 years I haven't reminded him and then brought the card and presents for his own mum....shame!😂😂
Being an adult sucks sometimes but moreover for him now...

@LostInMyLife

We have our new normal (me and dd) and it's nice, we talk more, have grown more close which was a worry when I started this journey.

You've really come so far haven't you?

So it sounds as if all that's left is the 'logistics' of getting a divorce. Get sound legal advice, make your decisions, and start that journey. You'll get through that, too, just as you're getting through the emotional part of splitting up.

OP, very kindly meant, but you need to draw a line across what you are not responsible for.

You are not responsible for your daughters relationship with her father.
You can wish it was different but it is not yours to fix.
You can facilitate it if he wishes to work with you, but not force him to be a man he clearly is not.

This is why women end up in long shitty relationships with shitty men because they mistakenly believe it is their job to do everything, be everything, fix everything, take responsibility for everything.

This is a huge error.
You are responsible for your relationship with your daughter and facilitating your daughter with shared lifts to see her father.

That is it.
Nothing else.
Ask nothing of her.
Let her speak to you and get her some counselling for her if you can.

You cannot take on the responsibility for her relationship with a man that has abused you for years.

That is just allowing him to continue to abuse you.

Focus on yourself and your life with your daughter.

His relationship with her is on him.
Don't make it harder for yourself than it has to be.
Hope you have a lovely mothers day.

@Creameded is right. Be proud of your choices, your life, your dd and let everything else go. Teach her to care 100 percent less about people who let her down or don’t care about her. Its good that she is seeing how inadequate and pathetic her dh is and is withdrawing her attention from him. Better than if she were to struggle to make him show care. Or acting out to get his attention. She will grieve the relationship but better to be clear eyed and grieve it now than be misled by false hope.

Thank you all for your kind messages.
@AcrossthePond55 thank you, the emotional part was what I was most worried about getting through and as you said, I know I am getting through it, sometimes i think December was so long ago and I was a different person then, other times I feel it's gone quick because I have changed so much. Sounds weird but I know what I mean! The legalities aren't bothering me as much, everything will be done and quite easy tbh, we have nothing of any value that we would fight over, only custody of dd but given her age and that she lives with me and I am the only parent providing for her, I know he would be silly to try and fight me. He has also never been one to fight anything, just the easy life and he knows it would be the biggest fight of his life.

@Creameded I completely agree. I am facilitating half of the time to give him the other half to step up, if he doesn't that's not down to me. I feel sad for dd, that he is acting like this and also shocked he has stepped back so much but again that's not on me, I won't force him to see dd more or make more of an effort, I am just doing me and dd, he can do as he pleases. I am there for dd, that's always been my goal since I found out I was pregnant, and it won't change.
@pikkumyy77 I am so proud of my choices, looking back i am so proud I never gave into reacting, to shouting, screaming anything I just accepted it and didn't try to change his mind, my self respect has always been more. He broke me but I got back to myself, the old me. I know because it's been commented on by someone who doesn't know what's happened and I saw for the first time in years the other day (a friend of my sisters) i feel like the version of me, the real me, he didn't like was hidden but not anymore.
And dd, i couldn't be more proud of her, she hasn't reacted in a negative way, but I have been level headed (even when in my head i didn't want to be) and positive and I hope that has made a positive impact for her because she has always been funny and smart but now she seems really open to my feelings as well as her own. We spoke today as she kept telling me things I was doing that was embarrassing her (normal teenage stuff) but lots of it recently, I had a chat with her and told her how it makes me feel and that i am me and I don't try to be "embarrassing" but I get that's what teenage think about their parents but I asked her to be mindful of the comments and how it would make me feel, she was receptive to what I said and acknowledged me, like I said I am not sure if its normal teenage stuff, I think it is but with having a father who turned me into someone else I can't take the risk that she sees it as "normal" so I needed the chat to assure her that that behaviour is not ok. Also for my own mental health i can't be dealing with that.

A lovely day here, collected dd from club, H was there, I said a goodbye to the group and he said it back to me, would be strange if he didn't but still felt weird. I did talk to him (about 2 sentences last night dropping dd off) and he looked so rough, he didn't look like him, but again not my problem, I was civil and polite (my parents brought me up right I would never be anything else) I know (hopefully) i won't be seeing him the rest of the week and that suits me fine. Me and dd visited a relative tonight who we don't see often, it was really nice and then we came back and watched half a film (going to watch the rest tomorrow as it's late for her) just some nice time together, our little family.

Discussed mother's day plans with dd and she is happy with the plans especially as I have worked them around her club(as if I wouldn't, but she seemed shocked but happy shocked)I've always worked everything around her, that doesn't stop now or ever.

Lovin your wee updates OP, both on you and your daughter. Like many I've been following since you posted 3 months ago. You've come a long way. It's great that others see the old you again.

Thank you @ChessorBuckaroo I like to keep posting my journey, so when I'm struggling or having a wobble it keeps me optimistic at how far I have come, I also love the help and support I have found. This thread and the wonderful people supporting me on here have helped me so much, many times this has been my safe space to say things I wouldn't have felt comfortable with or knew how to articulate in RL.

Each day is another step and I'm trying to make sure each of those steps is a step forward.

As i said earlier the version of me from 4 months ago was like a complete different person, I feel more me, more well rounded and ultimately a better, happier and lighter version of me. Who knew one bad apple really does ruin everything??

It's amazing how quickly we revert to our true selves once we escape a bad marriage with a husband who brings nothing but misery. I remember playing loud disco music and dancing around the kitchen like it was 1984!

Well done on pushing back gently but firmly with your daughter on how she speaks to you.

She may have absorbed some negativity from him and you modelling firmly that whilst you will love, care and prioritise her, treating you with respect is a complete non negotiable.

So many women put up with far too much poor behaviour from teens and accept that it is being part of the teen years.

I do not agree with that at all and have never accepted it from my 4 teens.

Her father is such a loser and a poor example to her, it really is critical to her long term growth and sense of herself, that she sees you stand tall and assured in how you expect to be treated.

You really are doing great. 👏

@AmandaHoldensLips I agree, it is scary how we do go back to our true self once we are removed from the bad marriage, I have also took to dancing a lot more around the house especially when I am doing the housework, I also song a lot more (I mean it isn't great singing by any means) but I have always loved singing to myself as I go about my day, I even do it at work now when I'm alone.

@Creameded I agree, i don't believe "teenage years" should be a get out of jail free card for poor behaviour, I wasn't like that, my mum wouldn't have allowed it as it was not expected, and I am reinforcing those boundaries for dd. She can be upset, she can be angry she can be anything expect disrespectful or rude. But tbh since yesterday she's been fine, we've had a nice day today and just been around the house this afternoon after she went to her club. I took her H dropped her back she said "dad brought me straight back as he has work" given he has worked 1 Sunday in 3 years and that was a shift swap I highly doubt it but again it doesn't bother me, I am happy to have more time with dd and he only did the lift because I was waiting for my food shopping so couldn't leave not that I told him the reason why. I don't need too.
H really is a loser, i think that sums him up completely and I have to show dd how to stand tall because all he does is knock things and people down to his level and he won't do that with dd, i won't allow it especially now I feel like I'm standing taller myself.

I'm sure when you read back all your posts you can see how you've grown and taken control. Well done. It's lovey watching you thriving!

@LivelyMintViper thank you, i do feel like I'm becoming more myself now. It's has been life changing in many ways!

Happy Mothers day to you.
Today will hopefully be sweet in your newly Free Mother mode.💪

@LostInMyLife when I saw that you’d updated, I must admit I felt some dread about opening it - so Im pleased and relieved to see you’re ok and more yourself 😁
I’ll assume no news is good news and (in the nicest possible way) hope to see very little more from you!

Happy mothers day to all mums here!

I've been away a few weeks, not literally just not posted because I've been busy and been trying to wort the tenancy agreement out, its not easy especiallywhen the LA lose your application despite it being online on their portal. H has stepped up his game at winding me up, still not reacted but he did come in my home unannounced when I was at work this week, I called him and told him this is my home and he is not to come in without asking me, to say he was shocked was an understatement but its the truth and one of my boundaries I am putting in.
He's also done lots of little things that have driven me mad and just been completely selfish but I've held my head up high and not reacted at all to him, I know my time will come and most importantly he wants me to react.

Dd is doing well, she's much happier at home, we've had some quality time together and plan on having the day together. I don't have a present because I refused to transfer him money so she could get me something....yes you read that right. I never got anything when he was here and having the day with dd is more than anything else I would want.

I'm also doing quite well, I have been thinking more about what I want for the future and how it shapes up, I need to do some work on myself to help build my confidence but it is getting there and I'm certainly a million times more confident than before.

@Creameded thank you, yes I am going to enjoy my free mothers day! No visiting the in laws...priceless! Dd speaking about it in front of him yesterday and he forgot...apparently despite dd asking him to order me a present but he didn't have the money (that's another story that annoys me because he brought something quite big and expensive this week he didn't need) again priceless!

@Bittenonce no need to worry, I am doing well just plodding along in life atm but thank you for worrying!