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Original poster

DP has been left an estate in a will ...

404 replies

spidersnope · 08/12/2024 06:12

First off I've got no interest in anyone else's money , I'm just questioning what future complications this could throw up for a couple.

Between leaving his ex and meeting myself my dp has been left an estate , around £500k

Good for him. However the will stipulates that should he marry the spouse is to receive no benefit from the estate .

We're only a few years in and I've got no intention of moving in together or marriage just yet but this kind of puts me off.

So A. How would this work realistically and B, how would you feel about this?

The person with the will is still very much with us so this would be something far down the line hopefully

OP posts:
Footle · 08/12/2024 08:17

OP, Miss Havisham is alive and well.

Ohhbaby · 08/12/2024 08:17

Honestly I don't see a problem with it.
I now a girl who is married to a farmer. Call him Dave. Dave (and his dad before , him and his dad before him etc) have been farming here for Dave's dad's will stated that his son will continue farming on the family farm after he died (will leave everything to the son) but that his spouse cannot take the farm once they divorce
It will pass on to his son. Meaning to Dave's son and not to be halved and taken by a spouse.
First I thought that's rude, but incidentally in this instant it saved their farm.
This friend of mine is Dave's 2nd wife. They have children together.
He is divorced from his first wife.
When they divorced she got 50% of everything,( savings , pension you name it). As she should, all fair.
But she also wanted 50% of the farm.
Dave's mom and dad was still alive and still living on the farm, but had already given the farm over to their son, Dave.
If his first wife got her way Dave's elderly parents would have had to move out of their home, they would have lost the farm (not viable to farm on only half of it and besides he'd have had to sell to pay her out, she obviously didn't want the farm, just the money).
So only through that clause was the farm saved and Dave is still farming and is helped by his son who hopes to take over. And the same clause still applies to my friend, she also can't take the farm is she divorced Dave.
I can see how it would have been devastating to lose the farm.
I know it's not the same scenario with OP but I actually thought this clause was sensible.

Ophy83 · 08/12/2024 08:20

spidersnope · 08/12/2024 06:27

This is my dilemma
I don't want that
If we marry and cohabit I want the house to be ours jointly like a normal couple and not to be turfed out of my home if he died
We both have decent jobs and I have quite a bit of capital myself . We could buy somewhere nice without this other money .

Show quote history

Don't use the £500k to purchase your marital home - he could buy a second home and rent it out or use it for a different investment/holidays/school fees etc

AmberAlert86 · 08/12/2024 08:20

Mate, the inheritance (that is yet to come and might happen in decades or never) is LEAST of your issues. Wtf is this friendship??
You don't even know if you want to live with him, so why are you still with him? The weird friendship clearly bothers you so just leave him.

GreatGardenstuff · 08/12/2024 08:20

He hasn’t actually been left anything yet, it’s clearly a bizarre manipulation tactic by this woman to try and control his decisions. I’d also doubt if the will even existed!

This would be enough for me to ask him to cut ties with her if he wanted to continue our relationship. If he doesn’t see this as evidence she’s unhealthily attached to him, then he’s also part of the problem and one to throw back.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/12/2024 08:22

A relative of dh cut one of his brothers out of her will because she didn’t want his spendthrift wife (she really was) getting her hands on any of her money.

By the time she died, though, they were divorced, and the others made a Deed of Variation to include him.

AmberAlert86 · 08/12/2024 08:22

Ohhbaby · 08/12/2024 08:17

Honestly I don't see a problem with it.
I now a girl who is married to a farmer. Call him Dave. Dave (and his dad before , him and his dad before him etc) have been farming here for Dave's dad's will stated that his son will continue farming on the family farm after he died (will leave everything to the son) but that his spouse cannot take the farm once they divorce
It will pass on to his son. Meaning to Dave's son and not to be halved and taken by a spouse.
First I thought that's rude, but incidentally in this instant it saved their farm.
This friend of mine is Dave's 2nd wife. They have children together.
He is divorced from his first wife.
When they divorced she got 50% of everything,( savings , pension you name it). As she should, all fair.
But she also wanted 50% of the farm.
Dave's mom and dad was still alive and still living on the farm, but had already given the farm over to their son, Dave.
If his first wife got her way Dave's elderly parents would have had to move out of their home, they would have lost the farm (not viable to farm on only half of it and besides he'd have had to sell to pay her out, she obviously didn't want the farm, just the money).
So only through that clause was the farm saved and Dave is still farming and is helped by his son who hopes to take over. And the same clause still applies to my friend, she also can't take the farm is she divorced Dave.
I can see how it would have been devastating to lose the farm.
I know it's not the same scenario with OP but I actually thought this clause was sensible.

Wow some women can be so ruthless.
I wouldn't dream of asking for 1/2 of my DH estate and basically what is their life

Nosleepforthismum · 08/12/2024 08:23

I mean, I’m very confused why this is an actual issue. If one of my mates said, “oh I’m leaving you my house in the will as long as you never get married” I’d think they were completely nuts and ignore it. The fact your DP is even taking this future inheritance seriously is weird

Rosscameasdoody · 08/12/2024 08:23

Ohhbaby · 08/12/2024 08:17

Honestly I don't see a problem with it.
I now a girl who is married to a farmer. Call him Dave. Dave (and his dad before , him and his dad before him etc) have been farming here for Dave's dad's will stated that his son will continue farming on the family farm after he died (will leave everything to the son) but that his spouse cannot take the farm once they divorce
It will pass on to his son. Meaning to Dave's son and not to be halved and taken by a spouse.
First I thought that's rude, but incidentally in this instant it saved their farm.
This friend of mine is Dave's 2nd wife. They have children together.
He is divorced from his first wife.
When they divorced she got 50% of everything,( savings , pension you name it). As she should, all fair.
But she also wanted 50% of the farm.
Dave's mom and dad was still alive and still living on the farm, but had already given the farm over to their son, Dave.
If his first wife got her way Dave's elderly parents would have had to move out of their home, they would have lost the farm (not viable to farm on only half of it and besides he'd have had to sell to pay her out, she obviously didn't want the farm, just the money).
So only through that clause was the farm saved and Dave is still farming and is helped by his son who hopes to take over. And the same clause still applies to my friend, she also can't take the farm is she divorced Dave.
I can see how it would have been devastating to lose the farm.
I know it's not the same scenario with OP but I actually thought this clause was sensible.

That makes sense because it’s designed to keep the farm within the family - probably will be irrelevant now if they can’t afford to comply with Rachel Reeves’ inheritance tax changes, but the principle is the same for OP. Lots of people here saying it’s unenforceable, but it depends on whether the friend has put the inheritance in a trust, which will oversee how funds are spent.

holju · 08/12/2024 08:25

The women is obsessed with him, he has been encouraging it and feeding it because he likes the attention, and that's far more of an issue than a hypothetical will. I'd be seriously contemplating where this could go, and I'd be telling him why.

mindutopia · 08/12/2024 08:28

Your partner, if you ever get to the stage of living together and marrying (it’s very early days, cart before horse here!), he can decide to do what he wants. You are not being forced by this not yet even dead person to live in this property. They’ll be dead! Your partner can sell it. If he wants. And with the proceeds of that sale, he can do what he wants. He can’t be forced to do anything he doesn’t want to.

I received a significant inheritance of a similar amount. I put it into my marital home because at that point I had been with Dh for 16 years and i wanted that money to support our future together and our joint children. But I sure as hell wouldn’t be thinking about sharing it with someone I just met and was only dating. Sounds like your partner is setting the stage that he doesn’t want your motivations to be about money. He can’t still choose to do what he wants when the time comes.

Honeycrisp · 08/12/2024 08:29

Saschka · 08/12/2024 08:03

This. The will likely doesn’t actually exist, and if it does, items almost guaranteed to be changed to something less batshit when this woman gets over her crush on your DP. Just behave as if the will doesn’t exist.

What I would be slightly more concerned about is your DH’s attitude to shared money - it does not sound like he is on the same page as you, and it also sounds like he’s enjoying leading on this friend of his. Both of which are far more serious relationship problems than some fictitious will.

Show quote history

Agree. I'm not sure I'd want anything more than a very casual relationship, in this kind of situation.

Supersoakers · 08/12/2024 08:30

Just sounds like talk to me. I wouldn’t even think about it. Get on with living together on your equal terms as you would if the will wasn’t there as it is unlikely to materialise in what could be 30 years.

saraclara · 08/12/2024 08:32

He hasn't been 'left' anything. A will is just an intention at this point. There's room for it to be changed multiple times before this person dies, and given that the friendship has been dialled back and he's with you, she might well leave it to someone else. Or of course it might all go on care fees

I'd not give this money a thought. Making decisions on your future together based on something that might well never happen, makes no sense.

JustAFear · 08/12/2024 08:33

You’re totally worrying about the wrong thing OP. He may or may not ever get this money, if he does it will probably be a long time from now. You’re both financially solvent, you’ll almost certainly be in a fully paid off house before he inherits this if you stay together and live together. It’s vastly different to this being an elderly relative and you both being skint! I don’t understand why the scenario you’re worried about is that you could be living in the house he has inherited when he dies.

But the idea of this money, the fact that she’s using this to control him (to put him off marrying and to keep him around), the fact that he is letting himself be controlled. She texts him 100 times a day, he sees her twice a week, but in two years you’ve never met her?! That is the thing you have to worry about. Respectful opposite sex friendships are absolutely fine, but this one is not.

Enoughofthisnow · 08/12/2024 08:33

Rosscameasdoody · 08/12/2024 08:06

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. The friends’ will stipulates that OP can’t benefit from the inheritance, so he wouldn’t be able to bequeath her anything connected with it. The question is whether/how the terms of the are legally enforceable. I wouldn’t assume that they aren’t and would get some legal advice.

I don’t understand the relationship between DP and his friend. OP has never met her - that’s a red flag right there. Why is he keeping them apart ? He’s also expected OP to take a back seat and cancel their plans several times so that DP can spend time with his friend. Sounds like she’s easily able to manipulate him, which is a big concern.

Friend is controlling, and is trying to ensure she can exert that control over him from beyond the grave, which is batshit. If l were OP l would make it clear that he needs to untangle himself from this friendship before there is any suggestion of marriage or even moving in together. And that, for me, would include telling her he doesn’t want the inheritance and she should change her will to that effect. She’s clearly obsessed with him to quite a dangerous level if this is what she’s planning - it ensures that he’s still thinking about her long after she’s dead and gone.

Sorry OP but l think you know there is something very wrong with this friendship - he may have stepped back but he’s still involved and still allowing her unspoken control. There are three of you in your relationship with DP. For me, he would have to choose. Her or me.

Edited
Show quote history

This. 💯

100 x texts a day, daily call and seeing him twice a week was completely and utterly insane.

This is not about a maybe inheritance at all OP.

It's whether you have confidence that he has this relationship under control. I'm in my fifties and can't fathom how on earth I'd have such a close relationship to a single man 15 years my junior to the point I'd want to leave him everything.

Mrsredlipstick · 08/12/2024 08:33

If you have never met this friend that is more of a problem than the potential inheritance. Why have you not met her?
I appreciate that this will was drawn up prior to you meeting your dp but it seems odd she wants to restrict your partners options. It does snack of control and an attempt to keep him for herself. It's weird and not how a balanced person behaves.
I would be questioning his commitment to you and suggest he is playing games.
If you have no children with him and don't intend to do so there is not benefit in marrying him. He's telling you that he can't share any inheritance with you because his 'friend' says so.
I wouldn't waste my time.

Wordau · 08/12/2024 08:34

Meadowfinch · 08/12/2024 08:02

Firstly, it's not legally enforceable unless it's in a trust.

Secondly the benefactor is still alive so they could spend it, use it for care, change their mind or get married themselves. All of which would mean the money woulldn't arrive.

Just ignore it and carry on with your life as normal.

All of this. She's only 15 years older. Could outlive you both for all you know.

I'm sure if she gets wind of you she'll change the will anyway.

I really hope that's not DPs motivation for not introducing you!!

MiddleClassWomanOfACertainAge · 08/12/2024 08:35

It's unlikely that the bequest will ever materialise, and the best thing would be for your partner to tell his friend where to stick her 'estate'.

GridlockonMain · 08/12/2024 08:36

The only reasonable way for both of you to proceed is by assuming nothing with ever come of this. He hasn’t inherited anything and in all likelihood never will - she’s using the promise of this money to try to control him, but there is every chance she will change her mind and leave him nothing.

If your partner is unwilling to do this, I.e. if he prioritises trying to secure this inheritance by catering to her rules over building a life with you according to the finances you actually have, then it’s just another red flag (and it sounds like there have been a lot of those already in respect of this friendship to be honest)

vtrdcat · 08/12/2024 08:37

spidersnope · 08/12/2024 06:23

We're not married or cohabiting yet
This may decide if we do or don't tbh
So as far as I know , he's been told this.
Im not sure if he's seen any official documents

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Yabu and I hope your partner see you for the red flag you are.

crochetmonkey74 · 08/12/2024 08:40

I'd also be on high alert for situations being floated where you 'lend ' him money on the basis of him receiving it back in her will and paying you it back.
There are lots of red flags here

ExceededUsefulEconomicLife · 08/12/2024 08:43

Weird way to inherit but I think it's fair. Not the same but if I left money to DC, I'd have this stipulation too. No way would all my money be at risk of going with someone else if they got divorced etc.

She's 50. She'll be around for a long time yet and you're not even living with him. You'll have bought a house 50/50 by then.

OneTaupePoster · 08/12/2024 08:43

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