Marriage, SAHM, finances

[Ghdppp1]

Struggling a lot knowing what the solution is to my situation. We're largely a single income household. Money is tight. I work very very seldomly, but more for my MH and to maintain experience in my professional field rather than for financial gain. Together me and DH decided I'd stay at home to save on childcare costs. We have 3 kids, a 13yo, 3yo and 1yo. Before the 3yo came along I worked a little more and was able to cover my living expenses. Since having the 3yo and 1yo I've been struggling financially a lot. I generally don't spend on myself anymore. My DH sends me an amount each month (350) but it isn't enough to cover my DDs, transport, stuff for the kids, top up grocery shops, my train travel on the days I work. Most months I manage just by trying to remain at home as much as I can. This month, I had a friend visit and we spent a couple of days out (this involed a train journey, and although we didn't eat out, we sat in a cafe a couple of times). I also bought a gift for my husband's birthday this month for £50, and bought myself a skirt which I'd been waiting to get restocked for a few months for £50- this is the first piece of clothing I've bought this year. This morning I wanted to book an art class for myself and the toddler for £5. This is not something I've been able to do since getting married, but there is a local scheme for low include families that subsides the cost of these classes and I've been wanting to attend one for a while. Ashamedly, my card payment got declined. My husband would pay for it if I asked him- although he would wonder by the 350 hasn't been enough/will suggest I'm mismanaging money. I've never had access to family finances, just the 350 he sends me monthly. I also feel judged if he sees me spend any of this money on myself (which I very seldom do- but then again neither does he). I can no longer afford gifts for family and friends. The last time I visited a friend a distance away, she paid for my train fare. The whole situation is getting me down a lot.

How do other SAHM manage?

Find an evening job. DH can look after the children.

Children get much more expensive as they age too.

What is your profession?

We've always had a joint account and equal access. How much does he earn?

How much money does he have to spend on himself?

This is not normal OP.
You are supposed to be equal partners in your marriage and as such you need to understand your financial situation as a family. Long gone are the days when the man had complete control over everything.
If your H is not happy to have genuine discussions , then you need to work more so you have some financial independence and he will need to pay for the increased child care .

Also I just wanted to add because I get accused of drip feeding. I do everything at home. Cooking, cleaning, childcare. He refuses to pay for childcare - he says he cannot afford it.

Oh for God's sake. Surely you know this is not OK? A nanny and housekeeper or nursery and cook would cost him way more.
Sit down with him and explain it's not fair for you to live like this. A stay at home parent is working for the family. You should have access to family funds.
You'd be better off on benefits without him. He'd be much, much worse off too. Tell him you refuse to live like this anymore.

Throughout our whole marriage covering time as two ft workers, DH lowering his hours while I worked ft while he built a business, while I was a sahm, when I worked PT we have always shared our money equally, with equal access to all pots of money, over the last twenty plus years.

I can't imagine any financial aet up where I would have stayed if I ever had to beg for the basics. This is financial abuse.

So if you went back to work full time, he wouldn't contribute to childcare?
Did you go back to work when your eldest went to school?

I went back to work but not FT (enough for me and my child to live well, I didn't contribute any more to the family finances back then, just paid for extra things like top up grocery shops and eating out as a family). My mum lived close to us then and we relied on her for free childcare- this is no longer the case.

He works hard for the family and doesn't spend on himself a lot as far as I can see. The difference is our access to family finances/financial autonomy which I've lost since starting a family.

Have you had the conversation 'I'm going back to work full time, WE'LL need to sort out childcare'?

Is it that there isn't enough money or that just that your DH is an arse and expect you to live on fresh air.

How much does he take home a month?

You need to understand your household expenses so you know whether he is being unreasonable.

You need full transparency on your finances.

im so sorry that sounds utterly miserable

with 5 mouths to feed and no increase in income you may be struggling. But it’s not a partnership if your dh controls it all. Can you ask if you can both sit down and work on a budget and brainstorm how you could get more hours of work to help family income?

what is your earning potential - could you access free hours (I know they aren’t totally free) and pick up more hours?

do you get the child benefit paid to your own account?

It’s only going to get worse as the kids get bigger

Spreadsheet with all outgoings, what's left is divided by the two of you. Nothing else required. No joint bank account.

You need to have full exposure to his side of finances. If he cannot give you anymore as he's running out of money each month that's one thing. If he's sitting there with 1000s spare that's another conversation.

Don't loose sight of who you are xx

He’d wonder what the 350 goes on

see the thing I’d the person who’s not at home is clueless as to the cost of day to day life, the money requests from school, the clothes that don’t fit, medicines etc. I’m beginning to think sahm is just code for free childcare and maid to men. He needs to trust you to know you’re not just randomly spending his money- something my dh struggled with even though I hadn’t changed clothes, never got hair done went to cafes etc

With food prices rising etc how does he respond when you inform him and ask for more?

This isnt right! He can only work full time and because you are taking care of the kids or he will have to pay £££ for child care. You should have access to all the family money not a fixed allowance. Its insulting to just give you £350 to manage on your own.

£350 isn't enough for all the things you mentioned. Financially it isn't right. So next time he gives you that much show him reciepts and say this doesn't cover it.

You need to sit down with statements and have full transparency as this clearly isn't working - how do you know for instance you aren't Asa family under the limits for claiming some UC ?

See what all the bills he's paying come to , including the money he is sending you - what all the consistent income is and work out what's left - if he's still got say £1000 and you've got just the £345 and are expected to cover lots out of it , whereas his is just pure spending money then clearly he needs to give you more or he has to accept you get a job a couple of evenings or 1 day at weekend and he has to step up childcare wise- unless you can get a high paying job ( and by that I mean at least £2500 take home- I don't think working full time with nursery needed for 2 will work - or even a 3 days week job etc. I think you can revisit this when the 3 year old is in school and 1 year old getting some hours covered off.

If however he's only got £400 left then clearly he's not really in a position to give you much more- so you will have to look at evening/weekend work whether he likes it or not

This is financial abuse. Next time he says your mismanaging money tell him to come with you and see where the money goes.

I've never visited a salon since I married. Never had my hair done. I haven't bought a new bag since I got married. I used to buy 2-3 expensive pieces of clothing a year before I married (think Max Mara)- I'm happy to use Vinted these days but even so, would very rarely buy any clothing for myself anymore. Even the quality of my food I have compromised on because of a lack of access to funds. It is miserable. But I'm also conscious that my DH isn't living a lavish life himself, and I can see him work hard for the family.

All money earned is our money, joint account, the same amount of personal money to spend on ourselves each month, anything else is utterly unfair

Don't make yourself ill over it and start spending on yourself and don't feel guilt. It's house money as a family. You look after the kids he earns and should cover the costs.