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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage, SAHM, finances

142 replies

Ghdppp1 · 05/12/2024 13:48

Struggling a lot knowing what the solution is to my situation. We're largely a single income household. Money is tight. I work very very seldomly, but more for my MH and to maintain experience in my professional field rather than for financial gain. Together me and DH decided I'd stay at home to save on childcare costs. We have 3 kids, a 13yo, 3yo and 1yo. Before the 3yo came along I worked a little more and was able to cover my living expenses. Since having the 3yo and 1yo I've been struggling financially a lot. I generally don't spend on myself anymore. My DH sends me an amount each month (350) but it isn't enough to cover my DDs, transport, stuff for the kids, top up grocery shops, my train travel on the days I work. Most months I manage just by trying to remain at home as much as I can. This month, I had a friend visit and we spent a couple of days out (this involed a train journey, and although we didn't eat out, we sat in a cafe a couple of times). I also bought a gift for my husband's birthday this month for £50, and bought myself a skirt which I'd been waiting to get restocked for a few months for £50- this is the first piece of clothing I've bought this year. This morning I wanted to book an art class for myself and the toddler for £5. This is not something I've been able to do since getting married, but there is a local scheme for low include families that subsides the cost of these classes and I've been wanting to attend one for a while. Ashamedly, my card payment got declined. My husband would pay for it if I asked him- although he would wonder by the 350 hasn't been enough/will suggest I'm mismanaging money. I've never had access to family finances, just the 350 he sends me monthly. I also feel judged if he sees me spend any of this money on myself (which I very seldom do- but then again neither does he). I can no longer afford gifts for family and friends. The last time I visited a friend a distance away, she paid for my train fare. The whole situation is getting me down a lot.

How do other SAHM manage?

OP posts:

oopsupsideyourheadisayoopsupsideypurhead · 05/12/2024 18:03

So basically you're housekeeper, nanny, etc etc and paid £350 per month. Sit down with him and explain this can't go on.

user1471538283 · 05/12/2024 18:09

I think it depends on how much he earns. If he earns alot and gives you very little that's different to his earning very little and giving you what he can.

You need to work more either way. He may not like paying for half the childcare but you cannot go on like this.

TwilightSkies · 05/12/2024 18:11

How much does your husband earn?

Dweetfidilove · 05/12/2024 18:18

You haven't said he's a high earner or has a job that's likely to pay a big salary, but you've said he's working hard to pay for the family and doesn't live lavishly.

As you have no other bills to pay, could you do some extra hours of it would pay enough to cover part-time childcare and put some extra in your pocket?

That might help until you can figure/sort out joint finances.

StormingNorman · 05/12/2024 18:41

It doesn’t sound as if you (you as a family) can afford for you to work so PT. Your DH seems to be living as frugally as you are so there just is t enough money to go round.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/12/2024 18:49

It doesn’t sound like you can afford for only one of you to be working full time. Lots of couples can’t any more, sadly.

I would sit down together and go through your outgoings and look at getting a full time job.

Viviennemary · 05/12/2024 18:52

It's no fun having no money. Either your DH needs to give you more or you need to get a job. If he is paying all the bills perhaps £350 a month Is the most he can spare.

Original poster

Ghdppp1 · 05/12/2024 19:26

Many thanks for your responses.

To answer some questions:

I don't know exactly how much he earns. I cannot imagine its more than 45k though.

He doesn't want to pay for childcare if I work. That will be on me, and I don't think I could easily secure a FT role in my profession. I will not be able to afford childcare by myself.

When I did work PT before 2nd child was born, I still did all housework and cooking and childcare. He does help out occasionally but I'd say 95% of it will always fall on me regardless of if/how I work. This is another reason I was reluctant to go FT before.

He works hard and as long as my requests are reasonable, he generally doesn't say no. Very occasionally we've had an argument about something I feel the kids need and he doesn't want to buy- the last time was some Montessori-style toys for the babies (from Temu of course). He told me they were unnecessary so I bought them myself the next time he sent me money.

Also it's worth noting I am very smart with my money- I never ask him to buy branded clothes for me or the kids, I do the fortnightly shop and budget and plan appropriately, I'm always looking for ways we can cut costs with discounts and vouchers etc.

I don't resent him for affording me so little to get by, but that he has financial autonomy that I will probably never again experience.

OP posts:

lakesiders · 05/12/2024 19:29

Do you at least get the Child Benefit? You need this if you're not working for your pension.

Julietta05 · 05/12/2024 19:30

Hang on a second. This is financial and economic abuse!

Please go to BBC sounds and listen to this week Moneybox podcast or Google financial and economic abuse. It is not only about management of money but restricting your social life and prevention of getting job.

Ladybird982828282828 · 05/12/2024 19:49

Oh OP, I also agree this is emotional and financial abuse, you’ve been isolated away from your family and friends due to the financial abuse…..

This isn’t normal or fair, if the agreement was for you to be a SAHM then the finances should be open and free for you to access, they are family finances not just his.
what will happen when the children are older, school trips, uniform, new clothes?

Have you anyone you can confide in IRL?

bakewellbride · 05/12/2024 19:51

As others have said your set up is not healthy or normal. I'm a sahm and have been for over 6 years. Me and dh have one joint bank account that we each have a bank card for and the money is there for us to both spend on ourselves / each other / our children/ our dog as we see fit. We are equal partners, we are family and it's family money 100%. This is how it should be, a team.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/12/2024 19:56

He doesn't want to pay for childcare if I work.

Well, he’ll have to!

OP, you are making yourself very vulnerable by being financially dependant on a man who really doesn’t sound very nice.

Tell him it’s not working with the household only relying on his wage and you need to get back to work so childcare costs have to be split. What was your precious job?

Iaminthefly · 05/12/2024 19:56

Your husband is financially abusing you.

mitogoshigg · 05/12/2024 19:58

2 words, joint account!

Money was always tight when the kids were young but we shared what we had

DarkForces · 05/12/2024 20:03

I absolutely agree that you should have access to household money, but 45k with 3 kids sounds very tight to me. Costs are crazy at the moment.
Refusing to pay his share of childcare so you can work is abusive imo. He's completely hamstrung your opportunity to improve family finances and earn independently.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 05/12/2024 20:06

It should be that you both put what you earn into a pot, take out any bills, foods etc and then whatever is left you split 50/50

Of he's not prepared to pay for childcare for yo it work then you shouldn't be expected to contribute towards bills, mortgage/rent

cestlavielife · 05/12/2024 20:09

Get access to joint account otherwise it s control and abuse
He and you decided you would stay hone so you and he finance that decision
Not with scrimping pennies

Opentooffers · 05/12/2024 20:10

If you don't have a clue what he's earning it's because he's chosen to hide it. He is financially abusing you. How long have you been on £350 a month? Was he paying you that when you had 1 DC and still paying you the same after 3? I bet he was fine about you giving up work, because 3 DC's childcare costs would be far more than what he's paying you. Given that he is treating you like hired help and doing nothing in the household ( lazy man, plenty of women work ft and do their fair share in the home, why should anybody gets to just work and do nothing more just because they are a man?) I think you should be negotiating terms. You should be getting him to up the money he gives you at the very least. By law that money is half yours. He earns for the family, not just himself.
An alternative route is to go back to work ft. Until you know how much he earns, how much the mortgage and bills are, you don't know how unreasonable he is being by not paying for necessary childcare as tbf, all that probably costs more than childcare would, especially now you get free hours.
I suspect he'd still want you to do all the housework, but we can't all get what we want in life and fair would be him pulling his weight in the home too once you aemre ft.

NoSquirrels · 05/12/2024 20:10

I don't know exactly how much he earns. I cannot imagine its more than 45k though.

You need to know for sure. You need visibility over the household finances.

If he won’t give you that, you are in a relationship with a controlling, potentially financially abusive man. That will get worse the older you and your children get.

He doesn't want to pay for childcare if I work. That will be on me, and I don't think I could easily secure a FT role in my profession. I will not be able to afford childcare by myself.

It’s not his choice to choose that you provide all childcare for £350 a month.

He is not your boss.

Blankscreen · 05/12/2024 20:11

£45k is only about £3k a month net which really isn't much money for a family of 5 to live on.

If you go back to work will you cover the cost of childcare, (not that it is just your cost) would you be better off overall? If so then that is what you need to do.

If not then you need to find a job that fits around your husband's job so he can look after the children while you work.

By the sounds of it you can't afford to be a 2 income family.

NoSquirrels · 05/12/2024 20:14

Together me and DH decided I'd stay at home to save on childcare costs.

You shouldn’t have agreed without knowing the household finances.

Despite this, you can make a plan together now on how you’ll return to work and what the finances will look like then.

VivaVivaa · 05/12/2024 20:14

Being a SAHP is only safe if the single wage is viewed as being paid to both parents equally, as both parents are ‘working’, albeit in different capacities. You need a joint bank account with equal access to his salary or something similar.

Your situation now is extremely precarious and financially abusive. He is abusing you OP by not allowing you to work but equally leaving you hand to mouth each month. It is excruciating that you don’t know how much he earns. Who sorts out paying the bills?

somuchtodonextyear · 05/12/2024 20:18

£45k is not a lot to support a family of 5....was this not a consideration before you had child 3?

roseymoira · 05/12/2024 20:20

He'd have to pay more than that in child maintenance if you left him

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