Marriage, SAHM, finances

[Ghdppp1]

Struggling a lot knowing what the solution is to my situation. We're largely a single income household. Money is tight. I work very very seldomly, but more for my MH and to maintain experience in my professional field rather than for financial gain. Together me and DH decided I'd stay at home to save on childcare costs. We have 3 kids, a 13yo, 3yo and 1yo. Before the 3yo came along I worked a little more and was able to cover my living expenses. Since having the 3yo and 1yo I've been struggling financially a lot. I generally don't spend on myself anymore. My DH sends me an amount each month (350) but it isn't enough to cover my DDs, transport, stuff for the kids, top up grocery shops, my train travel on the days I work. Most months I manage just by trying to remain at home as much as I can. This month, I had a friend visit and we spent a couple of days out (this involed a train journey, and although we didn't eat out, we sat in a cafe a couple of times). I also bought a gift for my husband's birthday this month for £50, and bought myself a skirt which I'd been waiting to get restocked for a few months for £50- this is the first piece of clothing I've bought this year. This morning I wanted to book an art class for myself and the toddler for £5. This is not something I've been able to do since getting married, but there is a local scheme for low include families that subsides the cost of these classes and I've been wanting to attend one for a while. Ashamedly, my card payment got declined. My husband would pay for it if I asked him- although he would wonder by the 350 hasn't been enough/will suggest I'm mismanaging money. I've never had access to family finances, just the 350 he sends me monthly. I also feel judged if he sees me spend any of this money on myself (which I very seldom do- but then again neither does he). I can no longer afford gifts for family and friends. The last time I visited a friend a distance away, she paid for my train fare. The whole situation is getting me down a lot.

How do other SAHM manage?

You are being financially abused.

You don’t know how much he earns.

You have no access to a “joint” account

He makes childcare fees 100% your responsibility, despite being the children’s father

And you’re scared to talk to him about money and family finances

He doesn’t want to pay for childcare if you work - how on Earth do you think that is ok

@Ghdppp1

How did you decide on the figure he pays you monthly?

Are your children eligible for any funding re nursery if so would this be something to explore then you could work more and there wouldn't be as big of a childcare bill? (I appreciate funded is not free) because your 3 year old must have access to more hours now?

You are not bound to this life of penury for the rest of time. You have a profession. You are an intelligent woman. You can work more in the future. Change career. Start a side hustle. You are not beholden to his £350 a month and secretive money management.

I would 100% find an evening or weekend job so he has to look after the dc while you do it, because I’d only ever pay for childcare solo if I were a single mum. I’d also clearly point out everything he expects you to get done during the day and expect that of him on weekends. Financial independence needs to be your first goal here. If he says but I’m working hard for our family, you say yes and I’ve been looking after our family 24/7 and can’t so much as afford a haircut with what you give me to cover costs, so I need to work while you look after the family. I’ve done the meal plan and written you a shopping list so all you need to do is the shop, a load of laundry and look after the kids, an easy day to get you in the habit.

Do you have a joint account? To be fair, if he's on not £45k or less that's a low amount to fund a family of 5 and paying a mortgage/rent in this cost of living crisis. You need to find out where all the money is going, but there might not be any spare.

I’ve never been one for this reason. In 21 years I’ve never even took a £1 coin off mine. Mine is extremely selfish and he sees his money as his. So on maternity leave I had to use credit cards as I still had to meet my 50% of bills. I’ve done jobs I hated to work around the children when younger. They’re all in school now so I have a good job where I work from home 4 days and in office 1 day. Some husbands are very generous but others do see it as their money and if I’m honest i accept that. I see my money as mine I see the furniture I’ve bought as mine my car etc all mine. People will say legally that’s not the case but in my eyes it is and the day we do part I know for a fact neither of us would want a penny from the other. So you need to get a job around the kids and you jeee your own money. My girls will have it drummed into them they will never ever financially rely on a man, they need to be self sufficient otherwise this is the result.

OP, you need to get a job. He needs to be transparent with his wages and you neee a joint account. He doesn’t get to opt out of paying the child care and keeping you in poverty with a measly allowance.
time for a hard chat - you tell him you will be going back to work and he will be paying towards the childcare, if he says no you will be divorcing him and he will have to pay child maintenance and will lose his maid/free childcare.

A lot of men are like this unfortunately. It really is changed days, not one of my friendship group (all married) myself Included have a joint account. I have no idea my husbands salary nor does he know mine, I make large purchases with my own money and vice versa with zero discussion.

So many now are financially separate, I’ve seen the resentment from men who are the breadwinners and it’s terrible how selfish some can be mine included.

Do you know how much the mortgage/rent and bills are, @Ghdppp1 ?

This isn’t okay - it’s financially abusive. The money coming into the house should be joint and you make joint decisions about it - they are your children, you made a joint decision for you to care for them so he could work, therefore the money is household money. If this isn’t something he wants then you go back to work and you split childcare costs.

What you are describing is financial abuse. You are both adults. You both deserve financial autonomy.

you are also letting him get away with simply saying he won’t pay for childcare. He can technically refuse. He could walk away from the marriage and abandon his children and not pay for childcare if he feels that strongly about it. Otherwise he only gets away with refusing to contribute if you let him. Childcare is a family expense.

I’m a SAHM always been. Never work since married 11 years ago. All DH wages its in joint acc and i can spend it freely. I know how much he makes, bonuses and extra money all goes in the joint acc. I can spend it for whatever i need and i want, of course if i spend too much it means less saving that month. DH never questioned my spending. He never check the money even.

i’m south east asian and lots of my friends who sahm also have this “allowance” money every month. But 350 its way too little. I dont know about your money condition but maybe you can ask for more to your husband?

I agree you should have a joint account and full access to it and knowledge of his wages and household bills

But and this obviously depends on your outgoings £45k for a family of 5 sounds tight he maybe can't give you more than £350 as you say he isn't spending on himself

I think you need to sit down and talk about the family income and outgoings and form a plan together to make things more comfortable for you a family could you work evenings or weekends to fit round his hours to bring more money in or go back to work splitting the childcare costs

But 350 its way too little

In your opinion, maybe. For all we know, the OP’s husband earns £40k, has a £2k a month mortgage and gives her every spare penny going.

Obviously we don’t have any details because either the OP doesn’t know or isn’t telling us, but she says his wage is low, money is tight and he isn’t frivolous so you can’t just say he needs to give her more. There might be no ‘more’z

This is what I suspect.

When I have attempted to broach the topic of transparency (not even joint access), he accused me of deliberately degrading him. He isn't a bad man, pretty old school and stuck in his ways, and stubborn. But if he had more, I think he would increase this "allowance".

Your approach is so frustrating! I really wish I could gove you a hug to be able to see that lack of transparency and you being in the darkness is fundamentally wrong. Whether he does it on purpose or not is to certain extend irrelevant. You should be able to know how much you as family is put away into savings or kids future! It is fundamental.

I know it is extreme but just imagine (putting aside everything else that was discussed), he drops dead tomorrow or has accident and is in coma in hospital. How the hell you are going to manage? how you are going to survive for the next few months?

You do need to have a discussion with them as food alone has massively increased in price.

It needs to be around "it seems your salary isn't enough for me to be a SAHP anymore".

If you worked would you get the funded hours? Does he have access to a salary sacrifice childcare scheme?

What is not working doing for your pension?

Op, he is degrading you by not disclosing his earnings and refusing to contribute to childcare costs so you can work and be more independent financially

Whichever way you look at this, it's financial abuse.

Even if he's giving you every last penny in his account once the bills are paid it's still financial abuse because he's controlling the finances.

If he is giving you every last penny left over, he's not very kind accepting a £50 gift knowing that was £50 of a family's £350 budget for the month...

The bills and all other outgoings should be a joint decision or at least joint access to said information.

If you go back to work, he'll have to help cover childcare as he's their parent and both parents are working. It's another control element telling you you can't work because he's not paying childcare.

This isn't a kind, hardworking family man OP! Far from it.

This is financial abuse and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I would seek legal advice re divorce and also consider using a forensic accountant as these types of selfish men hide money.

He will likely sabotage all and any attempts for you to go back to work. He will not help you with childcare, that will be still on you.

@Ghdppp1 both of you need to be a bit more mature about this.
both of you NEED to know what the household finances are. not to berate you for spending and not to belittle is wage but simply to know what income you both have.
and indeed if his income alone is massively tight for a family of five you need to reexamine the household situation.
which could mean reducing expenses to increasing income.
but until both of you are aware of the full picture (including extra workplace deductions) neither of you will feel good about your financial situation.
so two to three months of reviewing all income sources and all expenditures.

the amount of money is irrelevant. The problem is a lack of transparency, equality of decision making, and access.

Op and her husband should be going over the family finances and making these decisions together.

It could be he is allocating too much of the monthly budget to her spending, we can’t know. What matters is that she is in the dark and can’t just get money from the account in an emergency.

Dear Ghd, first time posting on Mumsnet this end. Firstly, I respect what you’ve chosen for yourself and your family. I was a SAHM for a number of years. Hardest and most worthwhile job I’ve had. Whether or not you’ve been paid for the time you’ve put in, it is banked - nobody can take that away from you or place a value on it. It deserves recognition and respect. You may not always get that from others. I’m opening my laptop this end before my DC wakes. Like you, I gave up a job I loved when my DC was born and sleepwalked into a really awful situation. Some men can be trusted to handle power - and frankly, some just can’t. If that sounds melodramatic, well, I’ve also been in tears of frustration trying to justify the £20 I spent on my DC - to an angry man in a dressing gown laying down the law. Who is driving a car whose tyres cost £250 a pop. I don’t seek to judge your situation since only you can, but I understand that the there are things here making you unhappy. When my XH left, it was because after years of accounting for my ‘allowance’, I got fed up and found a job once my DC started school - in doing so, I made myself redundant(!) - he left us the week I finished my probationary. At every step, I think I made the choice I honestly felt was in my DC’s interests. Society still does not make choices straightforward for mothers. Please, don’t give up hope of restarting your career - I started back below where I left (felt like a hopeless case) and I’ve worked like a dog in the years since the split (‘you can’t afford a lawyer - don’t waste money on one’ - being one of XH’s parting shots). It was a scary decision, but I’m back to where I was career-wise and that (just about) supports me and my child as a single mother. Please don’t give up on the woman who loved Maxmara - she’s in there somewhere - and still as stylish. Sending hugs.