Marriage, SAHM, finances

[Ghdppp1]

Struggling a lot knowing what the solution is to my situation. We're largely a single income household. Money is tight. I work very very seldomly, but more for my MH and to maintain experience in my professional field rather than for financial gain. Together me and DH decided I'd stay at home to save on childcare costs. We have 3 kids, a 13yo, 3yo and 1yo. Before the 3yo came along I worked a little more and was able to cover my living expenses. Since having the 3yo and 1yo I've been struggling financially a lot. I generally don't spend on myself anymore. My DH sends me an amount each month (350) but it isn't enough to cover my DDs, transport, stuff for the kids, top up grocery shops, my train travel on the days I work. Most months I manage just by trying to remain at home as much as I can. This month, I had a friend visit and we spent a couple of days out (this involed a train journey, and although we didn't eat out, we sat in a cafe a couple of times). I also bought a gift for my husband's birthday this month for £50, and bought myself a skirt which I'd been waiting to get restocked for a few months for £50- this is the first piece of clothing I've bought this year. This morning I wanted to book an art class for myself and the toddler for £5. This is not something I've been able to do since getting married, but there is a local scheme for low include families that subsides the cost of these classes and I've been wanting to attend one for a while. Ashamedly, my card payment got declined. My husband would pay for it if I asked him- although he would wonder by the 350 hasn't been enough/will suggest I'm mismanaging money. I've never had access to family finances, just the 350 he sends me monthly. I also feel judged if he sees me spend any of this money on myself (which I very seldom do- but then again neither does he). I can no longer afford gifts for family and friends. The last time I visited a friend a distance away, she paid for my train fare. The whole situation is getting me down a lot.

How do other SAHM manage?

He is a bad man because he's not treating you as an equal. He knows things you dont. And he wont tell you.

He's a bad man.

I haven't worked since our children were born, our youngest has autism and was permanently excluded from school at the age of six.

It just worked out the way it did.

My husband is a very high earner, +300k.

He sees me as an equal, we see each other as equals, we like each other and are invested in the family as a unit.

Absolute transparency and joint everything.

That's the way it works.

We like each other. No bollockry.

Whether or not he is giving you as much as he can, it is degrading to not be treated as a partner with full transparency and access. It should be a joint decision how much you have available based on the joint knowledge of what's available and what everything costs to begin with. Childcare shouldn't be paid by either him or you it should be paid by both. Plenty of families don't have 350 disposable income with both working full time after high mortgage/ rent/ childcare costs. I couldn't be with someone who withheld this information from me as if I were a child.

He’s accusing you of this to keep you quiet.

Not because he’s embarrassed. Embarrassment shouldn’t be an issue - but if it is, he needs to get over it.

A lack of financial transparency means you are in a financially abusive relationship. The longer this goes on, the worse the future for you and for your children.

Honestly @Ghdppp1, if a man ever told me I 'degraded him' I would laugh so hard.

Men aren't degraded by women unless they want to be in a sex way. We live in a patriarchy and I'm not into sissyfication. If men feel degraded it's up to them to sort it out.

If he's not happy with his patriarchal shite, sort it out friend

Even if £350/month is all he can afford it’s still financial abuse.

As a SAHP you absolutely need full access to family money and transparency on what he earns.

He may think he is doing what’s best for the family but he is being completely unrealistic.

Either he gives you full access to the finances or you get a job (for which he will need to provide support). The current situation is not sustainable.

This situation sounds more like a parent giving a child pocket money. He is in control, you don’t know what he earns and he won’t accept childcare costs should be a joint expense..
I’d call this financial abuse.

@Ghdppp1 is there any kind of cultural issue at play here OP ,? as some cultures are keen on keeping the woman 'in her place' - I did wonder if that was the situation here -

He is a bad man. He's, sexist and selfish and degrading YOU.

There's only one reason he wouldn't share his financial information with you - and that's because he has something to hide.

If he is giving you all he can afford then he can easily show you that by sharing financial details.

You should be able to sit down together, go over all your incomings and outgoings and work out a budget.

The idea that he refuses to pay for childcare for his own children is disgusting and says a lot about the type of man he is.

You haven't 'lost' it, you've allowed this to happen. Definitely, have a conversation.

I was a sahm for many years whilst my husband worked. I had full access to the account and my own bank card.
I never needed to ask for money once. It was there when I needed it.
You shouldn't be on an allowance. You should have full access to the bank account as you're a family.

An allowance in your case here further degrades you which is also what he wants.

He has most if not all of the power and control in this relationship and he knows it too. I would also readily assume he’s had more visits to the barbers, dentist, opticians etc than you also. He keeps you both quiet and in penury quite deliberately.

@Gamerlady whilst I agree in principle I suspect there isn't much money sloshing round here for her to readily access and the bloke is trying to control it by giving her a set amount in order that everything gets paid. I suspect the issue is just piss poor communication- there isn't enough to go around , he doesn't want to do more child care,and he's not an 'open' kind of person so OP has no idea that the basic problem is that there is no spare cash and the fact is she needs to be working when she can and he needs to step up -

'An allowance'

Fuck Off.

It boggles my mind that people have this set up.

We "joined" our finances from as soon we realised were in a serious relationship which i think was around the time I became pregnant. (I can't actually remember)
(a good 10 years before we were married, around the time that we both sold our own houses and bought 1 big house instead of having 2 small ones)

My DH earns far more than me.

Quite simply we have a joint account. EVERYTHING is ours.

Unless buying something really significant (like a car) or spending 4 figures on something major we both buy what we want when we want. We dont have to consult each other.

If choosing something like a household appliance we will typically tell the other which one we have chosen and so long as the other likes it, then we go ahead.

There is no my money / his money. Every penny is "ours"
We do have seperate ISAs and savings in our own names but only for tax efficient reasons. (the money is still "ours" regardless of the label on the account)

He earns a lot / I have inherited a lot, but I put a lot more in at the beginning (when I had more equity in my house, and savings, and didnt inherit until much more recently)

He works very hard all the hours god sends running his company, earning the money that I spend as required, running the house, shopping, buying anything required for our senior school age children / us / our family / our home / our lives / family presents / paying cleaner / odd job man etc etc. He rarely buys more than petrol for his car, or similar, but i wouldnt care if he did.
I work 3 days / term time at a minimum wage job which I really enjoy and suits our family. (the money I earn is not really needed but I enjoy what I do), but its paid into the same account that his salary goes into and becomes ours.

Until our youngest started school I was a stay at home Mum, and all £ was ours even though I wasn't earning anything at all.

There is something very wrong about your situation.
They are his children too so why are child care costs your responsibility?
Access to see financials should be both ways. Why wont he share his financial situation with you. It’s a joint financial situation as you are married.
This can’t continue. I think you know that.

@changedmynam but your situation is very different- clearly there is plenty to go round - whether you work or not - OP seems to be in the situation of the words of the Simply Red song 'moneys too tight to mention'

In OPs case, it's all very secretive from her H - however given what OP has said I think the issue is there probably genuinely is 'little to spare' so the bloke is trying to control it - OP has already said before kids she did like very good food and the odd designer/pricey bit of clothing - absolutely nothing wrong with that- I like all this too but 'his' perception might be that if she had access then OP might be buying stuff they can't afford and then struggling for bills. On the other hand I would if I was OP want to know that was 'indeed' the position and that he's not stashing £750 a month in savings in his name on the quiet or spending on dodgy habits etc .

If everyone knows the score than decisions can be made be it cutbacks or OP working more when he can care for kids-

And by the way OP if he isn't prepared to do any of this I would be using the mumsnet expression be 'getting your ducks in a row' ready to leave-

It's all kinds if wrong and yes is controlling on his part however the only way of getting to the bottom of why this is so is a very open conversation about family income and expenditure- and for that he needs to be open, show statements so she can see 'salary in' and other payments out etc -

How long have you only had £350 a month to spend? Do you know how much he earns. We can only comment on whether this is fair if we know how much money your DH has. I suspect it's finanical abuse.

But this is very controlling behaviour. He's treating you as someone below him.

I think you need a honest open conversation about the monetary situation and how much there is - DH and I have had variable amounts over the years depending on salaries and mortgage and the kids but we have always been transparent with each other as to how much there is for spending and you need that

then work out how much childcare would be and how much you could earn both full time and part time and how that effects your income and take it from there

he is either being too proud or too mean or a mix of both

This is why the birth rate is plummeting and many women won’t entertain the idea of being a SAHM. Life’s too short to attach yourself to a man who won’t see you as an equal. To many men view SAHM as free maid and childcare.

In this day and age, there is so much opportunity for flexible working and working from home (STILL NEED CHILDCARE) before any rants there is hardly any point in being a SAHM?

I go office 1 day a week, sometimes on some weeks I don’t go in at all. Some colleagues just come in for team days. Plenty of colleagues book childcare for 9-3pm, but take their lunch hour 8:30-9 then 3:30-4pm to drop of and pick up kids. Plenty of men do aswell. Plus both parents earn full time salary and are equals, progressing in career too. By the time kids go to school, there’s 0 costs and school is free.

Tbh, I’d advise any woman who wants flexibility at work look into office work. Again, still need childcare. Office work is well paid aswell, plenty of opportunities to progress and earn more too. Then, there’s pension contributions too.

You can’t afford to be a SAHM and you never could. That was sn illusion.

Why are you responsible for paying for kids and top up groceries? You need a joint account that covers all costs of running the home and looking after kids, then you each get the same amount of money for personal spends. That's the only fair way.