Marriage, SAHM, finances

[Ghdppp1]

Struggling a lot knowing what the solution is to my situation. We're largely a single income household. Money is tight. I work very very seldomly, but more for my MH and to maintain experience in my professional field rather than for financial gain. Together me and DH decided I'd stay at home to save on childcare costs. We have 3 kids, a 13yo, 3yo and 1yo. Before the 3yo came along I worked a little more and was able to cover my living expenses. Since having the 3yo and 1yo I've been struggling financially a lot. I generally don't spend on myself anymore. My DH sends me an amount each month (350) but it isn't enough to cover my DDs, transport, stuff for the kids, top up grocery shops, my train travel on the days I work. Most months I manage just by trying to remain at home as much as I can. This month, I had a friend visit and we spent a couple of days out (this involed a train journey, and although we didn't eat out, we sat in a cafe a couple of times). I also bought a gift for my husband's birthday this month for £50, and bought myself a skirt which I'd been waiting to get restocked for a few months for £50- this is the first piece of clothing I've bought this year. This morning I wanted to book an art class for myself and the toddler for £5. This is not something I've been able to do since getting married, but there is a local scheme for low include families that subsides the cost of these classes and I've been wanting to attend one for a while. Ashamedly, my card payment got declined. My husband would pay for it if I asked him- although he would wonder by the 350 hasn't been enough/will suggest I'm mismanaging money. I've never had access to family finances, just the 350 he sends me monthly. I also feel judged if he sees me spend any of this money on myself (which I very seldom do- but then again neither does he). I can no longer afford gifts for family and friends. The last time I visited a friend a distance away, she paid for my train fare. The whole situation is getting me down a lot.

How do other SAHM manage?

Your food? Do you not eat together? That's abuse OP if you can't even eat decently

I am a SAHP because we have a disabled kid and one with a health condition. I work a few hours a week on an ad hoc basis for a charity. DH works full time. We have one joint account that all wages and disability benefits get paid into and all bills go into. We both have free and equal access to it. We spend what we need on daily living expenses as we both need and discuss large purchases before we make them. We are married and a family so it’s all family money, not his and mine.

With full access to all bank accounts and equal discretionary spending budgets. If my husband had suggested anything else, I would have gone back to work full-time immediately.

We eat together. But I mean I was used to eating a certain way before. I'd never cook with veg oil. My bread was also homemade or from a local bakery. Veg and fruit and meat was organic. This is a petty point I perhaps shouldn't mention however. Especially given the cost of living crisis.

How much does he earn? How much spending money does he have?

The real crucial point is whether there is any more money. You need to find that out. You and DH need to look at your joint finances so you both understand them. If you (as a family) need to make economies, you should both be on board.

Equally, if DH has loads of spare money, then you need to have a conversation about how you are meant to afford things out of the money he gives you, and evening things up.

You mention you pay for top up shops. So if you want these things (and there is money in the budget) can't they just go in the main shop? Homemade bread doesn't even cost much in terms of ingredients.

So you had access to your finances before you had children but not now? I don't understand? Did he just stop you being able to access the accounts or something?

Did you both decide you would be a SAHM? Or is it something one of you wanted?
Is he generally controlling? I know you said you do the housework, childcare etc. Does he ever help out with any of these things, or is it seen solely as your responsibility?

It does sound as though he is very controlling/financially abusive. If you work extra hours will you be entitled to the free childcare?

Time for a meeting! Request a chat about finances once kids are in bed. Explain how much you are struggling and all the things you cannot afford, and that you cannot go on like this - you either need to adjust the finances or work more. Start to put together a spreadsheet of the family finances and request the info you need like what his monthly income and outgoings are. Point out the value of all the things you do - how much it would cost to pay for them if you worked full time. Try to do it all jointly so he doesn't feel like you are criticising or demanding. It's a mutual problem which he probably isn't really aware of. When you have children of pre-school age it is relentless and your lack of earning potential is depressing.

I think you really need to sit down and make a plan for the future, it sounds like you are sinking the way things are and those kids will only get more expensive.

You have gone from a family of three with two incomes to a family of 5 with one income, what was the original plan to manage that? I couldn't run a household of 5 on my income alone and be in any way comfortable either so I can also understand the stress your husband is under. Having said that, by refusing to use childcare he's making things unnecessarily difficult. Most families rely on two incomes these days and use childcare.

Are they all joint children? You should have a joint account. Does he have savings?

@Ghdppp1 yep I think you need to get to the bottom of this - he's either being tight andkeeping far more cash for himself which isn't ok or there genuinely isn't more cash around to spare , in which case staying at home really isn't an option- it comes down to then a balance between earning and childcare costs and maybe working when he can take over childcare / even 2 evenings a week at something could bring you £500 a month

If he gets all defensive - what's he hiding? And ask to have the statements on the table too

Could you go to work FT/4 days a week? Use the funded hours plus tax-free childcare for childcare costs perhaps to make it cheaper.

Personally, with a DH like that I would be making sure I had my own financial independence a high priority, and that typically means getting back to work. Financial independence means options.

You say he is not having a lavish lifestyle but you do not have any idea by sounds of things how much he earns and what he does with money! You need to have this information, this is family budget! It was a yours and his decision to be SAHM

That is an expensive way to eat for a family of 3 on 2 wages, possibly not feasible for family of 5 on one salary.
When you say he won't pay childcare does he mean he won't pay it while you're a SAHM or would he pay if you went back to work full time?

Shared finances and equal access. DH should want the best for his wife and his children. That equals the best for him too in turn, if the people he is living with are happy and able to buy what they need.

I wouldn’t be a stay at home mum without a shared bank account.

I suggest you go back to work full time and share all cooking/cleaning and childcare expenses with your husband. He sounds rather tight and not someone I would want to rely on to share his pension with me in the future!

Yet again, some arse hole man totally fails to appreciate the unpaid labour and salary sacrifice of the mother of their children.

So who looks after your younger children when you are working? is this childcare you have to pay for?

By communicating better and working together - you need oversight on what money there is and he needs to respect your role and what money you need

It’s possible that this is the case but it could also be that OP giving up her paid job wasn’t a joint decision and there simply isn’t money in the bank account to spend more than they are at the moment. Either way, OP should have access to family funds too.

There needs to be transparency. He does sound a bit clueless and people are going to say he's tight or abusive. He is tight and possibly abusive if he has savings piling up or more disposable income than you. Is he a high earner that he should be able to afford all household costs and childcare?

What are all the expenses. What's wrong with both of you working and pooling all income, paying all expenses (including childcare,things for children, family savings) from the pooled income and then having equal amounts left over for you and him and enough for the needs of the children? Would you get more from him if you left and were receiving child maintenance?

I agree. While it's not right that you are struggling I think the reality is that you can't afford not to work. Do some research first about day nurseries, free hours etc and present that to him eg. The cost of childcare will be xx and I can earn xx.

The childcare cost will also decrease over the next few years.

I suspect that plan made about you staying at home was based on his recollection of how cheap your one older dd was (with free childcare from grandparents) rather than based on the reality of now.

If he refuses to engage then you'd probably be better off going it along, sadly.

What about child benefit OP that should be over £40 extra?
How much do you earn yourself on top of the £350 he is sending?
Tbh if things are so tight financially is it time to consider working more?