Marriage, SAHM, finances

[Ghdppp1]

Struggling a lot knowing what the solution is to my situation. We're largely a single income household. Money is tight. I work very very seldomly, but more for my MH and to maintain experience in my professional field rather than for financial gain. Together me and DH decided I'd stay at home to save on childcare costs. We have 3 kids, a 13yo, 3yo and 1yo. Before the 3yo came along I worked a little more and was able to cover my living expenses. Since having the 3yo and 1yo I've been struggling financially a lot. I generally don't spend on myself anymore. My DH sends me an amount each month (350) but it isn't enough to cover my DDs, transport, stuff for the kids, top up grocery shops, my train travel on the days I work. Most months I manage just by trying to remain at home as much as I can. This month, I had a friend visit and we spent a couple of days out (this involed a train journey, and although we didn't eat out, we sat in a cafe a couple of times). I also bought a gift for my husband's birthday this month for £50, and bought myself a skirt which I'd been waiting to get restocked for a few months for £50- this is the first piece of clothing I've bought this year. This morning I wanted to book an art class for myself and the toddler for £5. This is not something I've been able to do since getting married, but there is a local scheme for low include families that subsides the cost of these classes and I've been wanting to attend one for a while. Ashamedly, my card payment got declined. My husband would pay for it if I asked him- although he would wonder by the 350 hasn't been enough/will suggest I'm mismanaging money. I've never had access to family finances, just the 350 he sends me monthly. I also feel judged if he sees me spend any of this money on myself (which I very seldom do- but then again neither does he). I can no longer afford gifts for family and friends. The last time I visited a friend a distance away, she paid for my train fare. The whole situation is getting me down a lot.

How do other SAHM manage?

do you get child benefit? should add for 3 DC and get an evening/weekend job.

He's a controlling twat I'm afraid OP.

You are doing nothing wrong wanting to see the ins and outs of your household finances. I would not stand for it.

You don't even know your household income. That's insane.

Where does the child benefit go? That is about 250-300 per month for 3 DC...

Thanks for all your replies.

I'm really struggling. I asked to borrow some money until I have my little wage coming in a few days, after which I promised to pay him back, and it's opened up a can of worms. I suggested he wasn't generous and this seems to have upset him. I suspect he's now going to give me the silent treatment for a few days. Of course I'll still be expected to cook, clean and take care of everyone in the meantime.

Fuck this shit.

Don't do anything - laundry, meals etc for him if he can't be a true partner and pull his weight.

You don’t have to op. You could feed the kids and yourself and have nothing left when he gets in, and his washing sitting in the basket. He’s abusing you, and you do not have to housekeep for him while you beg him to not abuse you.

Oh, my darling woman.

You know he's abusive don't you?

He's a bad man.

Let us help you.

Silent treatment?! You need to deal with it properly and tackle it head on. Tell him that you need to know the family finances in details. Enough is enough.

Who gets the child benefit OP? It really needs to be you, to protect your NI contribution record. Also just checking, you know you'd be entitled to it for the 3rd as well right?

You can see that he's abusive in multiple ways, OP, can't you?

He does unfortunately. I've suggested that he allows me to get child benefit, but he keeps reminding me that it's for the children and not to cover my own expenses.

I don't think transparency or joint access to family finances will help here- he'll question my expenditures I suspect, and I won't feel comfortable spending the money even on things I feel we/the kids need (like the Temu Montessori toys). But as I said working FT isn't option without childcare (and a cleaner). I'll be stuck to do everything then, then expected also to contribute financially to household expenses.

None of this seems fair. I gave up not only a career, but financial autonomy, and a good standard of life to have a family. It isn't fair.

It isn’t fair! So you need to leave and try to become independent. This will never be possible with your dh.

So what are you going to do about it - he is trapping you now

I assume though child benefit does give you an idea of his earnings as I assume he doesn’t get taxed

and where does this go if for the kids

you need oversight

OP, please call women’s aid. This is financial abuse. You need to leave him. They can give you some advice and signposting.

Please check your NI record and make sure you are getting credits.

Gosh that’s not good. Sounds like a financial abuse. You need to have a serious conversation with him - marriage is a partnership not a housemaid type of situation. And SAHM is a full time job not a vacation. You need to have full access to the money, and you split 50/50 disposable income. Plus you need to get child benefit in your name. If he’s not ok with it, you need to seriously think about plan B.

Wow, what a manipulative, abusive bastard. He's got you meek and submissive, not daring to stand up for yourself, not letting you be an equal. If he doesn't want to pay for childcare, he shouldn't have had kids. He's now punishing you for daring to speak up for yourself, but expects you to still be his little skivvy, do you see how disrespectful that is? Would you ever treat him like that? If he can't respect you enough to talk, to you, do not cook for him or wash his dirty pants for God sake. Call womens aid, youre being abused, I'd bet my life he earns more than 45k, but if he does, he can show you, can't he? There should be no problem with that.

You are being abused OP. I hope this thread helps you see this clearly.