DH and his bonus

[Docugirl]

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

It's important to make clear that your spending is not out of control - this situation is because of family expenses. You are not buying fabulous designer shoes for yourself, you are buying shoes for your children. You are not broke - the unequal split is unfair and unsustainable. You assume he is saving it all into a pension, but what if it is going on gambling? You literally have no idea. He probably will try and turn it back on you, by allowing you to feel guilty, financially irresponsible, grasping - do not let that happen. Just make it about how the partnership is unfair, it undermines your relationship by the fact he doesn't trust you, and you're not happy that he is so disengaged from the costs of running the house that he is happy to see you go without. Also, he is making a lifestyle choice for you (shop in Aldi) while not for himself (big holiday together).

Ok. Can you hide away a bit of money for yourself...I literally mean an account he has no clue about, and just put in a bit each month. I think it is really important you have a bit of a cushion for yourself...think of it as your going away fund. A friend of mine did this via selling stuff on ebay/etsy and then after a couple years, had enough to go. I don't normally advise deception, but crikey you are in a grim situation.

It’s not for us to say whether this is right or not op, because there’s no rules on it. All we can say is how we feel.
And in my humble opinion, no, it’s not right.
You’re married. In my world that means you share everything. Heartaches, successes, a home and finances.
When I get a bonus, it’s usually put into savings, but my DH knows exactly how much it is, and although it’s in an account in my name, there’s 100% transparency and it’s there for both of us.
When DH gets his bonus (his is much bigger) he first usually does something to celebrate (meal out, something for the house etc etc) then he puts the rest in savings. Again, complete transparency, and it’s for both of us. We also each know each others banking log ins.
This, to me, is the way it should work.
But for many others your way also works.

The main reason I say it’s “not right” is because for it work, you both have to be happy and in 100% agreement. You do not appear to be. You are also now without savings, and whichever way you do finances, neither of you should be poorer because of it

You should both be on the mortgage, and the deeds. And share your bonus.
Clearly when you have the power of more money, it makes you a less nice person.

Genuinely interested why do you not have money just in a joint account? When we got married we just pooled everything together, mine is his, his is mine etc and we have full transparency of each other. Is this not what most people do?

I think you need to spell it out that you can't afford it because you earn xx and don't get a bonus and have no savings. You need to say that if he wants this holiday then he needs to pay for it. You shouldn't have to because it's obvious but he is choosing not to understand. He is expecting you to match his standard of living on less than half the money.

Ours was complicated with an ex wife and child support.

You live and learn.

Im sure he also thinks that he won’t share anything with me, if the worst happens.

ALL MONEY should go into a joint account, and be pooled. His money is your money and vice versa. You are married with kids ffs!!!

No, we don’t. Never have, and that was my choice. We share all our finances and he pays the majority of the bills-but I was adamant we keep separate bank accounts so he doesn’t know how much I’ve spent on him or where and when I’ve been present shopping

With our situation I earn around 3x what my DH earns. However, I don’t see the money in our account as mine or his, but ours. All our money is paid into the joint account and we have individual accounts and both get the same monthly “allowance” for personal spends like clothes, day to day expenses like lunch or personal items we want.

Anything for the house, our DD, pets , petrol, insurances and bills etc all come out the joint account. If we want something personal to us that we can’t afford immediately (new phone, laptop, new car) etc we agree between the two of us and it comes out the joint account or joint savings account or we can save from our personal money.
In a marriage, I feel we are a team and as long as we are both contributing the same level of effort, it doesn’t matter what that person earns. He works just as hard as I do. Any bonuses I get are shared into the joint account and we can decide what to spend it on; likewise any inheritance has been split this way too. He doesn’t get a bonus so it doesn’t make a difference to him but I imagine it would work the same as splitting mine.

We're obviously a very small minority as we don't pool money. He earns x3 my salary and as a result we pay 60:40 ish into the joint account for bills, 50:50 for groceries.
The rest of his money, including bonus, is his, and mine is mine. He can spend his bonus as he see's fit, some years he'll pay off a chunk of the mortgage, others invest, others buy himself something. I'm genuinely happy with how we do things and i know he'd never see me struggle if i got low on money.
He does pay for the big things on the house, such as last year building a deck and new fencing, he paid for the lot as knew if i contributed it would come out my holiday pot. He also pays for him and our daughters holidays costs, i pay my share.

My husband actually is getting back pay this Christmas and he rang me to tell me and told me to go book a spa day. I’m the higher earner and could go for a spa day if I wanted one but with the rare extra income he’s bringing in he wanted me to use it. I’m saying this to show you there are nice men out there who want to do their best to enhance your life, not hinder it!

I’ve just had a redundancy payment. It’s only gone into my pension at DH’s suggestion. I was going to leave it in our joint account because we share everything.

I keep my bonus, I need some bloody reward for all the work and travel.

Doesn’t your DH do extra childcare/home stuff while you are doing extra hours and travel? If so, don’t you think he should get a share?

I'm not married, we're engaged though and have 2 children each from previous relationships and one together. He earns a considerable amount more than me each month (I'm part time and study, he's never asked me to go full time) and so he pays rent, utilities, council tax and I pay for food shopping, my car expenses and whatever I need. He usually pays for meals and trips out plus holidays. Sometimes I run out of money towards the end of the month and he gives me whatever I need, sometimes he asks me to pay some of it back but usually doesn't. I feel I'm very lucky to be with a man like this, my ex earned twice what I did and expected everything to be 50/50 which left me in a bit of debt.
I think this is how it should be, I feel like we're a family unit working together rather than separately which is how I think it should be.

Same with us. Any bonuses we discuss how to use it jointly. Do we put into ISA’s, pensions, pay off the mortgage, make the most of all our allowances etc. I maximise all our interest and transfer money accordingly. We are both working towards our life together. It just seems bizarre to have separate finances when you are married.

It doesn't matter if you "sound whiney". Right is right and wrong is wrong and he is very, very wrong. Of course anything you say that he doesn't agree with is going to "sound whiney" to his ears. He can shut you down by accusing you of whining. Or else you shut yourself down.

He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50.

Then why doesn't this also apply to his bonus? As things stand you pay 50% of all the "unusual" expenses and he gets to keep 100% of the "unusual" income. You pay for family stuff and have nothing left while he saves.

This sounds like financial abuse. He is using the financial inequality (where you pay out all of your small salary on family holidays while he pays out the same amount and keeps all the extra from his large salary to himself) to keep you poor and under control and to stop you leaving.

Honestly he is clearly a fucking horrible person and a crap husband. How unkind that he won’t share finances with you really when you have children and are married! Ludacris. See a family solicitor, you might be better off without him tbh. He might be pleasant day to day but the fact he won’t share this with you when you are his wife and mother of his kids tells you everything you need to know about his person. In our household everything is shared and there are no secrets about money. You’re either a team or you’re not. Lots of luck x

We don't pool money although we do have a joint account for bills.

I inherited some money and have spent the majority of that for our family's benefit. Some's invested in lieu of a private pension.

Our salaries aren't that different though.

He is a financial ostrich and I do resent having to be the grown up all the time, but I wouldn't be all right with him having a different lifestyle to me, now or in retirement. We’re married!

It's not acceptable OP and you know it isn't - as others have said it should all go into a joint pot , 'all' family expenses paid out of it ( including holidays/xmas etc)!and then remainder split 50/50 so you get the same to spend/save - as you wish . To be frank if you were divorcing , it wouldn't matter if he had 120,000 savings and you nil- because at that point he would see how the law sees it and that is that you would likely get 50% - this of course works both ways too- if the woman had all the cash - that's the thing about marriage- you are seen as a joint entity - regardless of who is the big earning cheese and who isn't .

I would come right to the point and say 'can we have a chat about finances because at the moment it's not working for me ( not sure if kids still at home- presume they are) I'm in the position where I can't save because I'm expected to pay 50/50 on many things outside of the day to day - but I simply don't earn enough to do that and end up with no money or savings. . I think it's fair we have access to similar amounts of money as not only do I work but have the majority of domestic work too .

His reaction will tell you a lot- I don't get why people get tight/funny about this because sure as shit if you split having 'more' in your own name isn't worth the paper it's written on unless you hide it- I suggest you also know 'where' he is saving surplus cash.

On the other hand, women are often advised to keep an escape fund, so I don't know.
It's between the fact that guy has got a family
and probably a desire to keep something for himself. Who knows.

There's no "should" about it.

My DH was similar but this was when we first brought a house and had our first child.
It took a good proper talk about how we’re a family unit now and not living our lives individuals.
He did end up realising it wasn’t fair on our family and we opened a joint bank account.

At first we split everything 50/50.
Then we decided to put all wages in the joint, then keep X Amount for our own personal use.
Now, he covers all of the bills/outgoings, my wages cover all the niceties.. holidays, gifts, days out ect.

I wouldn’t have stuck around in the beginning tbh,
I can’t stand people who don’t think like a family once they are one

This is so miserable OP. I think you do need to figure out a plan to leave, but in the meantime just stop splitting stuff. Tell him you just cannot afford it and walk away.

I'm a sahp, and DH is due a huge payout in the new year. Bigger than we've ever seen. As soon as he got the news, he called me in to eavesdrop the call, and we sat down and figured out what we will do with it. It will all go into my account and I'll make the final choices. Because I run the family finances and home, and he provides the cash. I want him to spend some on major dentistry he needs, we will have a big holiday and pay a wedge of mortgage. And have some fun. If he thought I wasn't equally enjoying the fruits of our teamwork he'd be truly upset. Just saying this so you know it doesn't have to be the way you're living.

I earn more than dh, by about 40%, and I get a bonus. Until recently he didn't at all, and he's in a new job so not sure if he will going forward. But everything goes into the same pot, we pay the bills from that pot, and the big expenses get planned for and paid from that pot too. We don't really have his and my money, just family money. I don't see how we could do it any other way.