DH and his bonus

[Docugirl]

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

Where does the money go OP? It's important to find out.

What does he do with it? It's for your long-term play. You need to know the names of the bank account or share platform he uses.

Also, I'd plead poverty far more than you do. Say you can't afford to get whatever it is you need and say unless he pays for it, you won't be able to do.

Try it with food or with something he enjoys that you all enjoy together.

You could even say he must go on holiday alone with the kids - you want to save some money this year so he'll have to take them alone.

That it's got too hard constantly trying to keep up with him and that he's a financial bully. That he enjoys his power and control over you, knowing he can make or break your life.

I earn more than DH and I don’t share my bonus. We also have separate finances and we don’t know what is in each other’s accounts.

I wouldn’t be with someone who expected to have a joint account or expect to have some of the bonus that I earned.

BUT we both work FT and he could earn more but chooses not too. It would be different if he earned less because he took some time out to provide childcare for the children.

this - you may well get more than 50%.

But it's important to be as knowlegable as possible about what he's done with the money. When he's asked for full disclosure by the court, he really must fully disclose or he'll go to prison but still some men try to hide funds.

But your DH still has savings?

OP has nothing by the end of the month.

it's different.

You're meant to be one unit working together and supporting eachother is all I can say.

Right from the start, all of ours has gone in one pot, which us having an equal amount each month paid into our own individual accounts. We fund clothes, personal treats, social outings with others and eachother's presents from this.

It's been give and take over the years. When we first got together, I had more money. However, DH has always earned more, I was able to give up work for five years when we had DD then work part-time and his Mum's inheritance paid off our mortgage. He's now retired and I'm still working part-time and at sometime in the future, I could get a large inheritance from a family member - DH won't mind if it stays in my name or put into our joint names - I'll see it as joint money for both benefits - ie a more suitable house, one dream holiday in our lifetime etc.

He's been out if work for a year.
They aren't married.
No kids.

Yeah that won’t happen- the 50:50 thing. A lot of men will say this to avoid maintenance but when it comes to it, because they have no idea what’s actually involved with childcare, it’ll never last. You’ll have the children more plus maintenance.

It is different which is why I added the last part. In OP’s situation, it isn’t right.

Dh earns about three times what I do (we both work FT but I don’t earn much above min wage) and gets a good bonus at Christmas. Everything is paid into our joint back account and he’s never queried what I spend.
Tbh, I lost all interest in having a career after we had kids but have always worked (part time until they started secondary school then full time) He knows he wouldn’t have progressed as far as he has in his career if he didn’t have me to sort out more of the stuff at home/childcare etc.

Yes, what hours does DH do? Once he realises that shared care means 3.5 days per week with all the washing, organising, feeding, ferrying etc, he'll not want to do it.

He just sounds awful @Docugirl

It's financial abuse as it's affecting you and not him.

We have a joint account, where most of our money goes, we then have separate accounts where we both keep a few hundred pounds back just for us, however, most of our spends including stuff just for us e,g, clothes, hair appointments, restaurants, presents - all discretionary spends comes from the joint account.

He's being an utter dick.

I think you just need to be factual with him.
I can't afford x,y,z as I have no money. We are married finances should be pooled, including bonuses. I will no longer be paying 50/50.
You are a miser and affecting the quality of my life - which hurts the most as you are my husband.

Legally you do own half that money. If he left you, you'd be entitled to it.

I think the only way to bring this up is to say you must have a joint name savings account and current account - current for all day to day bills, and savings for big expenses that might suddenly come up

This is very good actually. Makes it clear how serious you are.

Plus this. Do both.

Does he know you want to leave? Is this why he is hiding his assets and keeping you poor?

When you tried 2 years ago, did he put obstacles in your way?

Is your marriage worth saving?

You know this is financial abuse.

selfishness is not an attractive quality.
Prioritise your leaving strategy, get your name on the council housing list (it will take a long time to get anywhere near the top, but it’s a start & if things get worse with “D”H, it may move you up the list) Look at some private rentals & work out what you can afford on your income.
Meanwhile at home, refuse anything that isn’t the standard bills. Shall we go out for xxx. “No I can’t afford it”. Holiday? “We’ll be doing a caravan holiday in the uk for the kids this year, that what I can afford”.

Tell family and friends why you aren’t going places, don’t be afraid to shame him for his financial abuse.

He sounds awful & the sooner you get away the better.

You know your own financial situation but I would strongly advise you to contact The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse who provide dedicated support to victim-survivors of domestic abuse with their money worries to create the opportunity to regain financial control and economic stability. They can help you prioritise what is necessary for you to be able to leave, and they will also have experience of husbands hiding money.

Any survivor of an abusive or manipulative marriage will also tell you that their partner never actually took the kids 50/50 either, it is a tactic to make you afraid and to make you think that leaving them is more difficult than staying.

Rights of Women is also a very helpful site for their PDFs guides. They spell out the starting position for separation of finances, assets and custody in the event of a divorce. Even if your husband tries to make life complicated, it is useful to know how things SHOULD be.

If it is safe for you to do so, I'd also start talking to close friends and family, or work colleagues about the financial split in your household. He enjoys playing the family man and looking like the big provider, do not perpetuate this fiction.

Does he do half the household chores? & half the childcare pick ups, drop offs, weekend care etc?
If not, start that from now.

look for a better paid job for yourself, or take a part time evening job or an evening class to better your prospects. Make childcare his problem & he won’t be so keen on 50/50 when the time comes.

Technically it's both your money seeing as your married. He's tight. I could never be with a man like this. Gross.

My husband inherited a very substantial 6 figure sum earlier this year. It has all gone into our joint savings. There was not a single moment when he thought he should have kept some or all of it for himself. He has always been the higher earner in our family - I took a hit to be part time since our first child was born - and every penny earned has gone to joint finances.

My DH earns significantly more than me and gets a decent bonus. All finances are shared in a joint account. I have chipped in positive equity from my house when we met and an inheritance. He has chipped in all his bonuses. We decide together how to spend the big items - pay off mortgage/renovate house. We do this because we are married and a family unit. Sorry OP that this isn’t the case for you and that things are so transactional.

My DH earns nearly 3x more than me plus he gets a bonus. I have just done the maths and I put 23% into the joint accout vs his 77%. We treat our money as 1 pot

To add to @notatinydancer's point, @YRGAM has completely missed the point.

On this thread, OP is a wife, mother, and apparently working part-time, while her husband witholds funds. She has a reasonable expectation (an expectation that woud be legally upheld in a divorce) that financial resources coming into the household should be shared. She is concerned and upset that her husband may be squirelling away money while she drains her own savings and the kids potentially go without.

On the other thread, the OP's boyfriend has burned through his savings paying his half of living expenses while remaining unemployed for 1 year and not lifting a finger in the house. The boyfriend is now asking the OP to access savings that she has in a high interest account to cover ALL living expenses until he finds work (despite having spent a year unable to find it).

The two situations are not comparable, and if they were, they would be about educating and empowering women to protect their own financial security.

This OP could protect her own financial security by refusing to go halves and insisting on a proportional split of all family expenses, or by leaving her husband and having full control over her entire household finances.

The other OP could protect her own financial security by refusing to unblock her own savings for her unemployed boyfriend and having a very serious think about whether she wants to remain in a relationship with a partner who does not want to pull their weight.

50-50 on the big expenses is not better. It's worse. You make far less than him but he's so stingy he won't even take you on vacation without making you pay? Disgusting.

50/50 doesn’t necessarily mean no maintenance.