DH and his bonus

[Docugirl]

Can anyone help me articulate why this bothers me so much?

This is not the first time money issues have come up with my DH.

I can’t figure out how to actually say this without sounding grabby and needy.

We pay for our family day to day expenses proportionally. DH earns over twice as much as me.

He gets a large bonus at the end of the year and as per previous years, he does not mention anything about it. He expects anything outside of our usual set up to be spit 50 50. This wouldn’t be a problem for me if our earnings were equal.

We have had some big, essential expenses over the last few years and I have no savings left after paying for my half. We have no joint accounts and he has form for being tight with money so this is a sensitive issue for me. I really have to work at putting some money aside and often go without myself just to have some savings. I have no visibility of his bank account, I know about the bonus payment from our online tax account, and can only presume he has substantial savings.

How does this play out in other houses? He is good at his job and deserves this bonus. I don’t actually want any of it from him but I can’t explain why it bothers me, I think it’s that he won’t celebrate it with me. Like he doesn’t trust me.

Years ago when I wasn’t working full time and our kids were little, he use to give me 200 from his bonus. I used to buy Christmas presents with it, often for him, it wasn’t for me to spend on myself. I actually posted about it one year as he mistakenly transferred me more than 200 and asked me for some of it back.

He really sees this as his own money. Is he right? Some years he has used some of it for household stuff but not recently. I would be happy for him if he treated himself or splashed out on himself. It’s the radio silence that bothers me. While I am always scrambling around looking for deals or trying to do things cheaply so the burden on him isn’t too big, he is earning almost 6 figures.

AIBU about this? I really don’t know

Whatever large amount of unexpected extra money my Dh receives he does 25/25/25/25
25 % for him 25% for me 25% on something for the kids ( big day out / weekend away ect ) and 25 % to savings ( shared ).

There a famous case from 2014 with spousal maintenance- albeit not permanent, might be worth a google search?

In a divorce you need to be adequately housed, you may well get more than 50%

I’ve not read all the posts but what stood out to me is that you say ‘I’d be happy if he splashed out and treated himself’ but you dislike the radio silence.

to me savings should be considered as ‘treating himself’ and you shouldn’t see that as a negative. To me putting a big amount in savings releases as much endorphins as buying myself something and you shouldn’t underestimate different people’s pleasures. I’m very anti consumer in some aspects and people who buy things frivolously I could easily get annoyed with.

that said the radio silence is concerning. You clearly have different attitudes to saving and spending and neither is right or wrong. But if you’re partners you need to be able to discuss and agree. And it sounds like your issues are bigger than the bonus and more general in terms of how much you have to spend or save. As partners I think you need to have an open and honest discussion about the imbalance.

sorry just read more of the threat and I clearly posted too soon as the convo has move more into the LTB theme so maybe my input is no longer relevant.

OP, you are TOTALLY justified in feeling pissed off. Financial transparency is really important in relationships.

The difference in responses between this thread and the one below is quite illuminating

That other thread was an unmarried woman cohabiting, no children, her partner had been the higher earner and not shared the bounty, had managed to be unemployed for a year and as an extra bonus did shit-all housework.

Not exactly comparable.

We’re a family therefore everything we have we split equally between us. I earn a pittance due to disabilities and he earns a very good wage. Never once has he ever made things out to be his money and my money, it’s all our money, because again, we’re a family. And he isn’t a selfish prick. And if the situation was reversed I would do exactly as he does with me. No wonder this bothers you! So sorry you’re married to someone like this, and heartened to see you are making moves in the right direction 💪

Gosh this has very quickly escalated into a divorce situation.
Just to say OP you would be entitled to half of any savings, even if in your husband's own personal account, if you divorced.
Not to mention his pension, can't see him wanting a divorce on those grounds alone.

Honestly I have done the maths and research. It's not preventing me from leaving but it has and will delay it.

Op I really feel for you. I haven't read everyone's replies so not sure if it's been mentioned.
If you are going to save for a future split open a new bank account at a different bank, one that your DH doesn't know about.
Just in case in the meantime he somehow accesses your account, sees savings he didn't know about and it kicks off a process you're not quite ready for.
Good luck 💐

I do understand (I have been through divorce). Have you actually had proper legal advice? Every single divorce is different.

Why is this only his money? This is a huge problem in my opinion. My husband has always earned far more than me and has received some amazing bonuses over the years but not once, ever has he hoarded that money seeing it as his.
We are a team and each member has a different role but all money is available equally and all bills are paid from the shared pot. There is no such thing as his money or my money. I feel so sad for you that he doesn’t see you as his equal.

I know, I tried to leave 2 yrs ago. I know what is on the table. Believe me if it was straightforward I would have done it then.

Yes I have. I've spoken to 2 different family lawyers

Well, then whining is the least of your worries. You aren't going to change his mind even if you explain it to him with a Powerpoint presentation and dancing girls.

So the holidays don't happen for a couple of years; the kids will survive.

Tell him the family needs to live on a budget that you can afford, if you are expected to pay for half of spending, and proceed accordingly.

Why aren't you using the proportional-to-income method?

What is the obstacle?

You only get one life here on Planet Earth.

Your posts sound very sad , lost as if this marriage has taken all your energy.
Please find the strength to stop being an observer in your own life.
Start managing your own money , get legal and financial advice - nothing wrong with a second opinion . Your husband has too much control of your own money .
You need to take control of your own life OP

I think he’s being really unreasonable. You’re married, all assets are joint assets really. In our household all earnings go into a joint account. Some years I’ve earned more, and some years DH has earned more, but long term he’s probably gonna be the higher earner because im less career motivated. I know what he has in his isa and other investment accounts because we track our assets in a monthly spreadsheet. We spend from the same joint account but if we are considering a big purchase we’ll discuss it first. Your husband’s approach of keeping his bonus and investments to himself would absolutely not fly with me. You have a right to know how your family’s finances are doing and he’s being incredibly selfish acting this way. If he wanted to keep all assets to himself then he should not have gotten married.

if you tried before, was that why you say he would want 50% of the kids. You do understand that many many men say this, but hardly any are actually able or willing to actually do it, when it comes to it.
If he is working the Big Job, Id have thought doing 50% himself is going to be tricky.
I mean I may be wrong.
what are your current working patterns - how is the childcare / sick days/appointments etc done. because a judge does often like to keep the status quo

He’s being a dick. My husband earns four times what I do plus bonus. all money is shared, all savings are in shared accounts. We are a family

If you continue to pay for holidays and house renovations - how will you save to leave?

It’s usually men that do this—they have big important jobs and control it all.

I have yet to see a post that a stay-at-home mother bills her partner for his half of childcare. No, women provide that for free.

It's not fair you paying half for things like flights.
If you're earning less you should pay less.

In real life I don’t know any couples that have joint accounts. It was being discussed at a group the other day and out of 10 woman none had joint financed with their dp

I did when married

In our household, this is reversed.

I earn probably earn close to double what he does plus a big bonus.

In our case, everything is shared. We just transfer our salaries into a joint account and treat it as one pot. Savings are joint too.

When I got my bonus he encouraged me to treat myself, he was just as excited as I was and we used a bit of it to just be ridiculous and frivolous.

The way I see it, he facilitates our life so I can earn this money, he collects the children from school, doesn’t complain when I work late etc. I couldn’t imagine your situation and forcing him to skint himself while I squirrel all my money away.