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Original poster

DP says he loves me, but doesn’t fancy me

159 replies

JingleBellFlop · 03/12/2024 08:02

Classic. I (48 soon) have not had the best run of relationship luck. So when DP (53 recently) showed up in early 2022, with promises of the greatest love story of all time, I fell hard. We have lived together for a year and our families have blended well. Lovely. Intimacy dropped off gradually - to begin with he was saying it was work stress, then he said he felt too much of a ‘dad bod’ and then he said at the weekend “I don’t know what it is”. Which I pressed him on last night and he admitted that he doesn’t fancy me - but he “loves me so much”. It was a good chat, everyone stayed kind and calm, but I can’t make it make sense. I ought to know the answers in my advancing years, but I just don’t. Is it how relationships are at a certain age? Do I trade off being fancied for the reasonably nice life/family that we have? I did ask him when was the last time he looked at me and thought “phwoar” and he said it was on a weekend away we had - I looked up the date, as I knew it was a while ago and it was in June 2022, which means he’s been rather dishonest for 18 months. Just needed to vent really.

OP posts:
GroovyChick87 · 03/12/2024 08:07

I'd end it. You've only been together 2 years. I think sooner or later he'll leave if he's not attracted to you. And it's not fair to you either. It will eat away at you and you'll be left insecure. Maybe he's one of these people that has a low libido and doesn't really experience sexual attraction in the way most of us do so it may be enough for him. But that wouldn't be enough for me.

TipsyJoker · 03/12/2024 08:14

Could it be he’s having erectile dysfunction and he’s embarrassed? It might be he’s not wanting to admit it.

Have you changed in your appearance from when he last says he found you attractive?

It will be hard to hear but try to find out what has put him off you and what he finds attractive.

Also, have a think about your own behaviour. Have you got complacent and stopped looking after yourself as well? Do you make an effort to look half decent most days? Have you let self care slide since you met?

I would also be using this time to start focusing on myself. Do things you enjoy that make you happy. Do things independently of your partner. Give him a chance to miss you. Build your own self confidence up. Confidence is very sexy. And you deserve to feel good about yourself because I’d imagine your partner telling you he doesn’t fancy you must have hurt and been a dent in your confidence.

Also, ask yourself what you want. Do you want a relationship where you are sexually desired? Or are you happy for just companionship? Some people are. I personally wouldn’t be. It sounds like it might be something you need from a relationship. So, have a think about that.

Fraaahnces · 03/12/2024 08:18

Erectile dysfunction is what comes to my mind too. Does he have high blood pressure? Watch porn?

FartSock5000 · 03/12/2024 08:32

@JingleBellFlop you deserve more. If you'd been together for 10 or 15 years, i'd be saying stay but its been less than 2 years. You should still be in the honeymoon phase. I wouldn't stay. He loves you but doesn't fancy you is what we get from our friends, male relatives etc.

Fmlgirl · 03/12/2024 08:48

I really think this isn’t about you at all and the problem lies with him, be it erectly dysfunction or someone else. I’ve had someone say this to me and there was someone else on the scene.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2024 08:53

Was he in need of a subsidised house two years ago?

Chersfrozenface · 03/12/2024 08:56

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2024 08:53

Was he in need of a subsidised house two years ago?

Good question.

Or, do you do most or all of the housework and home and family admin?

Original poster
JingleBellFlop · 03/12/2024 09:09

Okay, I ought to have said that I haven’t posted here before and now I can’t work out how to reply to people individually - sorry. Really grateful for all the replies, as I sit here trying to gather myself for the biggest work meeting of my life. Not good timing at all, so I am so glad for this support here.

I don’t think it’s ED - he keeps himself well looked after, if you follow - possible porn addiction. Not sure though.

I had my own house and so did he, so we moved into his and we share chores pretty evenly. I am a pretty capable cook and everyone in the household (up to seven plus a dog) eats well, but I don’t think that was his guiding force.

i have gained maybe a stone since I met him, but I’m not overweight for my height and I go to the gym, etc.

the only thing I have is that all of his previous significant relationships were with women 10-15 years younger than him (he looks very young for his age), so maybe it’s that?

OP posts:
Newgirls · 03/12/2024 09:11

The porn isn’t helping is it.

also their testosterone drops at that age and they do feel less virile. It’s easier for him to blame you than face up to his aging brain and body

Startingagainandagain · 03/12/2024 09:15

End it.

You have only be together for a relatively short time. You deserve better than someone who just sees you as a friend...

If he has physical issues (erectile disfunction) he should be able to discuss this with you, rather than giving you the impression he does not fancy you because he no longer sees you as attractive.

Also, how old are your kids? I am very cynical so I would also look at any hidden motives for him pursuing you.

Regardless of the reason for his behaviour, I would end the relationship.

Lastbushome24 · 03/12/2024 09:19

Well what kind of relationship are you going to have if he doesn’t fancy you? Will you continue to have sex knowing that? How will that feel? Are things likely to change? (Probably not.)

I would definitely not stay in a relationship where my partner is not attracted to me. That would feel demeaning.

Isthereanypointtoallthis · 03/12/2024 09:21

If he is a porn addict you have your answer there: he is not capable of having a normal relationship with a real woman.

I would end the relationship because it's not going to get any better and it will affect your self esteem.

Why would you want to share your life with some one who gets off on seeing women abused and violated ?

PeanutCat1 · 03/12/2024 09:37

I would end it, I don't think it's something that's going to get any better. It is most likely very much a "him" issue in terms of him watching too much porn or being into younger women or whatever, you will probably never 100% know the cause. Either way I would end it, you deserve to be with someone who finds you attractive and you can have both love and attraction, don't settle.

Icanttakethisanymore · 03/12/2024 09:40

Does he want to stay together? If so, Does he offer a solution or just propose a sex-less relationship?

pimplebum · 03/12/2024 09:47

i don’t expect to be turned in by the look of my partner like that and definitely not these days
that was shit if him to say that
love is different as you get older if it’s not for you leave

StMarie4me · 03/12/2024 09:47

Fuck that. He doesn't love you either as if he did he would not have said such a thing.

Leave!

Littlemiracles232504 · 03/12/2024 09:49

I think the porn is the issue, gives men false expectations of how normal women should look without clothes
When I found out my kids dad was watching it just after I'd given birth I was mortified and I found it soul destroying tbh, I looked like someone's had stuffed marbles into a sock and he was watching these "perfect" women online
How do you feel about the porn?
Especially now he's said this to you?

Beastiesandthebeauty · 03/12/2024 10:00

Did anything else change since 18 months ago ? More work pressure ? Menopause ? Other intimacy?

Possible porn addiction is a major no brainer.

Judging by the dates.. he found you attractive for 6 months? But moved in together 6 months after that?

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 03/12/2024 10:02

I would rather be alone than with somebody that does not fancy me. I do not need a house mate or a friend - do you?

smallsilvercloud · 03/12/2024 10:04

He's told you the reason, it's a big thing to admit he doesn't fancy you, it's such a new relationship for it to die off quickly, perhaps he was never that truthful to himself and got carried away with being in a relationship, makes me think, did he move in with you because he had nowhere else to go? As moving in happened quickly after just a year and that's a big commitment if you're not totally head over heels unless he had something to gain from it.
I think it would be too difficult to continue, it's not like you've been together years, you don't need to put up with a pretence.

FrenchandSaunders · 03/12/2024 10:07

What a cruel thing to say.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 03/12/2024 10:08

You moved him in and blended families before the honeymoon period was over. I really don't think it's possible to fully know someone or predict how a relationship will go after such a short time together.

HelenHywater · 03/12/2024 10:08

He's told you he doesn't fancy you - I'd take that at face value and leave.

You may think you're old and you don't deserve/won't get more from a man, but you will honestly. I feel fancied and I'm 54! I couldn't be in a relationship (at least one that's only 2 years old) and not be fancied by my partner.

Lastbushome24 · 03/12/2024 10:11

I agree it was a cruel thing to say. If he doesn’t want to be with you, he could say his feelings have changed. Does he want to continue the relationship even though he has told you that? What does he want you to do with the information?

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 03/12/2024 10:16

Please, for the love of God tell me you haven't sold your house ?!?!?! 😬