DP says he loves me, but doesn’t fancy me

[JingleBellFlop]

Classic. I (48 soon) have not had the best run of relationship luck. So when DP (53 recently) showed up in early 2022, with promises of the greatest love story of all time, I fell hard. We have lived together for a year and our families have blended well. Lovely. Intimacy dropped off gradually - to begin with he was saying it was work stress, then he said he felt too much of a ‘dad bod’ and then he said at the weekend “I don’t know what it is”. Which I pressed him on last night and he admitted that he doesn’t fancy me - but he “loves me so much”. It was a good chat, everyone stayed kind and calm, but I can’t make it make sense. I ought to know the answers in my advancing years, but I just don’t. Is it how relationships are at a certain age? Do I trade off being fancied for the reasonably nice life/family that we have? I did ask him when was the last time he looked at me and thought “phwoar” and he said it was on a weekend away we had - I looked up the date, as I knew it was a while ago and it was in June 2022, which means he’s been rather dishonest for 18 months. Just needed to vent really.

The comments on this thread are amusing to he honest. A man is made into a pathetic villan and looser with "dad bod" just because he dares not to fancy someone and not want to have sex 24/7

Firstly no one expects sex 24/7 thats a stupid comment and the OP was asked if HER appearance has changed three posts in, second reply.

Well my reasons for suggesting you leave rather than contemplating this type of relationship (and I do of course mean contemplate, reflect and weight up first) aren't so much that it's less of a sexually charged relationship than a comfortable partnership than he hasn't been entirely open and honest about it so you can manage your expectations. He's dropped this on you and he's allowed you to feel hurt and unsettled this way only a couple of years in after moving in with him. He now expects business as usual when you will have a hundred questions involving his past preferences, porn, honesty, what changed etc. but definitely do take the time (and space kf need be) to mull this over. Don't be told you're not being zen enough

Perhaps that is because many of them have enough self-awareness to realise that not only would it be hurtful to their partner, but they themselves aren't exactly the sex-god Adonis they used to be either.

Oh, leave him. The cheeky bastard to say he loves you but doesn't fancy you. He'd like you to continue providing domestic services, would he? Fuck that.

24/7 was obviously sarcasm.

I didn't mention anything about OP's appearance.

Maybe your comment is stupid not mine ?

I didnt say you did say something about her appearance and well you know it! i said that THE OP WAS ASKED about her appearance in the second reply.

Please point out where i said it was posted by you

Yeah thats what i think too. And i bet i can guess who is doing all the preparations for Christmas including cooking dinner.

I didn't say that you said it was posted by me. I'm just wondering why you are replying to me with that information when it has zero revelance to my comment as I didn't write anything about OP's appearance. It's a bit stupid.

He sounds like that arsehole off MAGSUK who was with Polly, who ticked all the boxes personality wise, got the chat etc. but he felt that he was entitled to a small petit gorgeous brunette.

What I’m actually thinking is, who the f*ck does he think he is?

That said, I don’t think my DH thinks I’m phwafff. We’ve been together 30 years though. What I do know though is that my DH thinks I am beautiful because he tells me quite a lot.

I think your DH is an entitled twat. If he’s so amazing why isn’t there a queue at his door?

You really have to leave I think, it will destroy you if you stay and he will eventually leave for someone he does fancy anyway in time and you will be that bit older, your lives even more enmeshed and that bit more difficult to move on. The speed at with this has happened would suggest that perhaps it does have something to do with outside influences like porn but you won't ever know.
Its really difficult.

well done! my Dd did this, took the money, her little family, to warmer climes
so you could argue… that you are riding high and given yourself and your boys
options although it would be a shme to erode this nest egg, you clearly know what
you are doing

Maybe he's just being honest, albeit insensitive (to put it mildly). There doesn't have to be any more to it.

This. Your self esteem will be shot to bits. You sound very mature and level headed so just move on and learn from this. Good luck x

if your boys are teens they’ll be gone in maximum of 10 years. you’ll be left alone with this man who doesn’t fancy you. Is thaf good enough for you?

You definitely moved too fast with him. Forget promises that anyone gives. Observe actions.

@JingleBellFlop to reply to someone either type an @ sign and start typing the name or press quote under their post …

I bet he soon starts fancying you again when you tell him you are leaving. Especially, if you tell him you will leave before Christmas, then he can do all cooking, preparation etc for his kids by himself. He won't have time to "look after himself" in between all the planning, shopping, cooking etc. What an absolute insult to you, does he not care about your feelings at all? How did he honestly expect you to react to a statement like that? You sound like a strong, independent woman, if he isn't attracted to you then they'll be plenty more men out there who are. I've been married 26 years and I wouldn't put up with a comment like that from my dh, never mind a man I wasn't married to, who I'd only been with a couple of years. You are too young to put up with a man like him. Get renting somewhere temporary quickly, don't tell him, do it on the quiet. I bet he soon comes running after you, telling you he suddenly fancies you again when he realises his live in cook/housekeeper has got more self respect than to stay with someone like him.

@Ohnobackagain every day is a school day! Thank you!

You’re right. I will start looking at rental properties.

@JingleBellFlop You sound like a lovely person, good luck to you, you deserve better than him!

He sounds horrible. If he loved you and wanted to stay with you then he would never have told you that. He chose to tell you though, and you can chose to end it. I guarantee that this isn’t about you and how attractive you are though, so please don’t let yourself believe it is (which is what he wants). There is something wrong with him and his sex drive, and I’ll put money on it that he stopped shagging his previous partners after a year or two as well.

My mum whirlwinded into a relationship once (I’d left home was a young adult) Moved him in, married him. Sexually he went off the boil quite rapidly after the marriage.

She was this super confident, very popular with guys type, she knew she had ‘it’ I.e sex appeal, a great personality, could be independent (she managed as a single mum for quite a time) always climbed ladder in any job she ever did. A real force of nature.

Him going off her physically and being uninterested in sex, rebuffing and making it clear he didn’t ’fancy her’ anymore really affected her. I watched her slowly eat away at her self, lose her sparkle and confidence, start to feel ugly and unwanted. She just sort of diminished and folded in on herself. She became miserable and angry and depressed.

Eventually she left him and met someone else who made her feel desired and beautiful again, but watching her crumble away like she did in those few years she was with the guy who made her feel undesirable was painful to watch and I hate he did that to her.

Her amazing self came back eventually but I don’t think if she stayed with the man who made her feel unfanciable she would have ever got ‘herself’ back.

Get out now before you suffer years of gnawing away at yourself and lose your sparkle too. Your kids will see it, I saw it and it caused me so much pain watching my vivacious gorgeous mum disappear like that for so long.

OP, you sound great and far too good from that lug.
What a horrible thing to say and then expect you to react, oh fine!🙄
Twat.

I would quick as lightening be looking at somewhere and be gone so fast.
Calm, friendly, measured, but gone.

Call in friends, family and favours to get out.
Don't be there to cater for him for Christmas.
Leave him to it completely.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

Sounds like he’s setting you up as a dependable wife type while he edges towards suggesting an open relationship or starts sniffing around possible affair partners. But it’s ok because he was so honest and you’re so zen.

What a piece of shit. Get rid of him.

I don't think I'm reading the original post wrongly - from what I read OP and partner have actually been together almost three years and moved in together after two... not slow work but not exactly a whirlwind either!

OP, sorry to hear about what he said. From the info you've given it does sound to me like he wasn't intentionally trying to be cruel, and perhaps he felt he had to be truthful when you asked him. Having said that, I wouldn't be able to get past this. I'd want to know where the feeling had come from and understand why and how his feelings changed, but that would be more for my own need to understand... it wouldn't make me feel ok with it. Sadly I doubt there is any way to move past it, though worth a further conversation - but ultimately without sex you'll just be housemates cohabiting and one or both of you will inevitably look elsewhere for sex at some point which will make things a whole lot messier.

Sounds like he's lined you up for a life of companionship. Hes taken you for granted.