DP says he loves me, but doesn’t fancy me

[JingleBellFlop]

Classic. I (48 soon) have not had the best run of relationship luck. So when DP (53 recently) showed up in early 2022, with promises of the greatest love story of all time, I fell hard. We have lived together for a year and our families have blended well. Lovely. Intimacy dropped off gradually - to begin with he was saying it was work stress, then he said he felt too much of a ‘dad bod’ and then he said at the weekend “I don’t know what it is”. Which I pressed him on last night and he admitted that he doesn’t fancy me - but he “loves me so much”. It was a good chat, everyone stayed kind and calm, but I can’t make it make sense. I ought to know the answers in my advancing years, but I just don’t. Is it how relationships are at a certain age? Do I trade off being fancied for the reasonably nice life/family that we have? I did ask him when was the last time he looked at me and thought “phwoar” and he said it was on a weekend away we had - I looked up the date, as I knew it was a while ago and it was in June 2022, which means he’s been rather dishonest for 18 months. Just needed to vent really.

Also - yes, he wants to stay together. He said that I am so ‘Zen’ that he didn’t think I would take it so badly and that we have such nice times together it would be a shame to break that up. He said this morning that he loves me and I was like “no, no you don’t” and he said “I really do, that’s the thing”.

Today, I am not feeling very Zen.

The old Scrote has a live in housekeeper, a good cook and you sold your house, yours and your son’s security to be with this horrible man?

That was such a rash move

As a second time buyer you now have to pay stamp duty.

No way in hell should any woman or man sell their home to gamble on a new relationship!

Rent it out, but never sell!

You press the quote button on the post you want to reply to...

You deserve to be found irresistible and to be loved, touched and to have a happy and full sex life.

My H and I are look different from how we did 15 years ago. We're both carrying more weight. He has much less hair. I have much more grey hair and stretch marks and bloody sag everywhere. If he said he didn't fancy me I'd be incredibly hurt. I am attractive because of all that I am not just the superficial.

Ah right so he's telling you how he expects you to take this news too, calmly without question or change. Nice. Ok so you've rushed in a bit and can learn lessons but so what? The lads are all older and can come away from this as friends. You gave it a go wholeheartedly. I'd say 'try counselling' etc if it was more recently but he felt this way when it was brand new.

Oh good grief. There I was looking for a “reply” button. Many thanks. And I love hearing these stories of love that last through our various stages - thank you

I have known ( and know!) older couples who both have their homes despite getting together.
It’s like a lovely safety net.

If you can afford it’ @JingleBellFlop Buy a new place asap before house prices rise too much.

Is the house you live in now in his name only?

Yes it is. I am financially independent though - turns out that what I lack in choosing relationships I make up for in business acumen 🙃

No. They are older and we managed it carefully, with collaboration. It actually solved a huge interest rate hike for me to cash in my mortgage at the time.

But another house now, before the market rises again.

You can always rent it out for 6 months before moving in yourself.

He is saying he loves you platonically.

Lovely, that's friend zone.

He should have mentioned this before you moved in together. The man has issues. Do not let thembe your issues. Move on and I hope you have a brighter future.

Ignore the people calling you insane. You took a punt on love. You have financial acumen. Just get out and move on lessons learned.

I’d do whatever suits you, OP. If you are happy to have this type of relationship, fine. If not, prepare to separate. Don’t rush things though, why should you? Take your time to ensure that you’re not too financially impacted.

None of this is your fault, he should never have agreed to move in together if he felt this way. I’d be fuming with him.

I'm so torn because if he really really loves you then maybe he really really loves you but just sex isn't the guiding force as it would be with most men. But saying that of course you don't believe him as sex is everything to men. Plus yes, so hurtful too, but he was just being honest. Sorry op no help

Well that didnt take long this time did it The "has your appearance changed thing" third post in

Thanks - this does help because I was wondering if lots of people would think this. It’s difficult to put ego aside, so I’m just furious at the moment.

Get planning your move, he will find someone else that he fancies and leave you even if he swears he loves you now. I'm in my 50's, don't look anything like I did when I met my husband but he definitely still fancies me, if he didn't and I knew it would end us. I don't need another friend, I need a husband who makes me feel good about myself. Start hunting for your new house and your new start, staying with him is going to destroy your self confidence pretty quickly

I’m 45 tomorrow and my DH is 62. He absolutely adores me and is very sexually attracted to me. His sex drive has natural decreased as he’s a bit older than me but he takes great delight in being intimate with me despite him not being able to finish due to age/ medication. I know he still finds me attractive. But we are intimate in ways that ( to us) are much more important than just having sex. We snuggle and give each other massages and I make him a gorgeous scratch made packed lunch every day with home baked favourites and top notch snacks. We go out of our way to do the nice little tuna and that means the bigger tubs don’t matter so much. But only you know if you can put up with your situation, I’ve got to say if me and my DH were just 2 years in instead of 22 I’d likely walk away and look for somebody that DID find me attractive.

OP you mentioned you've not had the best relationship luck, and you moved in with this guy very quickly when he "promised the greatest love story of all time". Do you think maybe your radar is a bit off, or maybe you jump into things? Once you've got yourself established and single again, maybe have some time working out what patterns might be showing up for you in relationships, so you're not so vulnerable to being swept off your feet. Best of luck

So he loves you but doesn't fancy you? Yes, well I don't suppose he's the greatest thing since sliced bread either.

I’m really sorry but I don’t think this is something you can carry on with, it will only eat away at you. Let’s face it, the only way it would seem okay would be if you accepted that you were objectively unfanciable which is obvious horseshit, you deserve a partner who will find you desirable.

If you stay, imagine every time he ever says something like ‘you look lovely’ when you buy a new dress or get a haircut, ask yourself how you’re going to feel.

Yes, my radar is off. I have already engaged the services of a therapist and will start The Work now.

"the only thing I have is that all of his previous significant relationships were with women 10-15 years younger than him (he looks very young for his age), so maybe it’s that?"

Well, there ya go. He can't accept the fact that he is knocking on. He's uncomfortable about his "dad bod"- well, he is a dad. Comfortably old enough to be a grandad. In fact, technically old enough to have a grandchild legally old enough to consent to sex and have children themselves if you want to be a bit weird about it.
He doesn't really view himself as mid 50s and the fact that the face in the mirror looks younger than that helps him fool himself.

Dumping him is probably the best answer but if not, organise a get together with some of his school friends and college friends that he hasn't seen for a while. All the balding heads and pauches of his peers will either drag him back to his own reality and mortality or finally make him run further into denial and help the situation resolve one way or the other.

is the lack of sex a deal breaker for you? Or is it the fact that he doesn’t want it?

Good for you, OP. Hope it's helpful

I think a lot of men grow out out fancying their partner as time goes on but not many would admit it. That's just cruel!

The comments on this thread are amusing to he honest. A man is made into a pathetic villan and looser with "dad bod" just because he dares not to fancy someone and not want to have sex 24/7.

He is allowed to feel how he feels. We can't always help who we are attracted to.

I assume he really liked you and admired your less superficial qualities which made him believe that attraction is not most important (milions of women do it all the time). Or maybe he really fancied you in the beginning but later that changed for whatever reason.

Moving together quickly is always a huge risk but you both made that decision and seemed like you both benefited at the time.

This situation is obviously very upsetting but you both need to take responsibility and decide how to move forward together or separately.