DP says he loves me, but doesn’t fancy me

[JingleBellFlop]

Classic. I (48 soon) have not had the best run of relationship luck. So when DP (53 recently) showed up in early 2022, with promises of the greatest love story of all time, I fell hard. We have lived together for a year and our families have blended well. Lovely. Intimacy dropped off gradually - to begin with he was saying it was work stress, then he said he felt too much of a ‘dad bod’ and then he said at the weekend “I don’t know what it is”. Which I pressed him on last night and he admitted that he doesn’t fancy me - but he “loves me so much”. It was a good chat, everyone stayed kind and calm, but I can’t make it make sense. I ought to know the answers in my advancing years, but I just don’t. Is it how relationships are at a certain age? Do I trade off being fancied for the reasonably nice life/family that we have? I did ask him when was the last time he looked at me and thought “phwoar” and he said it was on a weekend away we had - I looked up the date, as I knew it was a while ago and it was in June 2022, which means he’s been rather dishonest for 18 months. Just needed to vent really.

You sound so lovely OP. I would leave. You deserve so much better and I hope you escape this selfish man. Whilst it is normal to not fancy someone, it is not normal at all to choose to move in etc/build a life with someone you don't fancy. If you stay, this man will destroy your self esteem and you will become smaller and smaller. Listen to what he is saying "he doesn't want you!" Have some compassion for yourself and ask why you would even consider staying with a man like this. The drastic change and lack of sex is very typical of an avoidant man. This sounds very much like a him problem not a you problem. What is his previous relationship history like? It might be worth looking into your own attachment style and working out whether there is anything you need to address in yourself as to why you would even consider putting up with this. Better is out there, but you won't find it if you are with him or anyone like him. Sending you lots of ❤️.

From what You say he thinks you are lessor than him. He’s keeping you around for the stuff & nicer life you can provide. You should feel privileged & anticipate his needs so he will continue to deign to keep you around.

He doesn’t like you.

”doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anybody else to have me”

It’s from the same list as;

Not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay.

The misogyny is about not respecting women and not seeing them as equal. Women are valued by their youthful looks.

He could come home to his shirts starched, a cosy house, and a homemade steak and ale pie, but if someone a bit younger and a bit of a looker with no life skills whatsoever gives him the wink he’ll be off like a shot as his penis will drag him over there.

"possible porn addiction"

Well, this was my first thought. Wanking off to younger women so probably not going to be sexually attracted to someone his own age in real life! Pathetic.

I've not read all posts, but from what i have read, most comments are pretty harsh towards OP'S DP.

He's been honest, people area allowed to change their feelings, that's their prerogative, it certainly doesn't make him a 'nasty' person.

I'm not even going to comment on the 'porn addiction' because quite frankly its ridiculous, but I do agree both OP and her DH have 'settled ' and are taking each other for granted.

If my partner said they they loved me, but didn't fancy me, i think that would make me incredibly insecure, and i would be worried that they may look elsewhere for intimacy. Luckily for you OP this is very unlikely to happen as he has a ' porn addiction ' which means he can't have 'sex with real people' 😂

Please know, this is not as good as it gets. I am 52, husband 54. We have been together almost nine years and I still get butterflies when I see him. No, we’re not ripping each other’s clothes off every night but we do have warm, fulfilling, wonderful sex regularly and he makes me feel gorgeous and desired (even though I am heavier than when we first met - thanks menopause!)

Prior to this marriage I was in a relationship with a man that had ED who chipped away at my confidence and sense of self with niggly comments. He used porn and boy did it show. I was only in that relationship for five months but it affected me negatively for a long time. Get out while you have some confidence left. There are good ones out there, I know. Now.

Absolutely this...

You've only been together for two years and he stopped finding you attractive less than six months into your relationship.

That is absolutely NOT 'just how relationships are at this age'.

Maybe he has a really low sex drive. Maybe he's in denial about his true sexuality. Maybe he loves you as a friend but you just aren't his type. Whatever the issue is, there is no sexual/romantic attraction on his part, and that isn't normal. It's not reasonable of him to expect you to stay in a sexless relationship that makes you feel awful about yourself. You deserve better than this.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

I’m sorry. This is very definitely not just how relationships go with age!! My DH is 70 and still fancies the pants off me, as I do him. Good relationships get deeper. You deserve so much more! Maybe try working out what made you fall for the love-bombing, why you moved in together as quickly as you did…they can be very manipulative.

There's a big - no, fucking humungous - gap between Disney princess Big Love romance, and staying in a relationship where you're not valued, because of a sense of safety/duty/fear of loneliness.

I suspect, like many of us middle agers with boomer parents, you've been brought up to think that marriage is all about sacrifice, and being in a relationship is our ideal state, and it's really a woman's lot in life to roll her eyes and just keep on supporting the people around her even if she never gets what she needs back in return.

I say bullshit to all of that. You have yourself a man who has 100% settled with you (the kind of woman he CAN get) having led you on just long enough to make it hard for you to leave, and he intends to keep on getting his jollies elsewhere (the online women he WISHES he can get).

Gross. I could say you can do better, but honestly, no relationship at all would be better than that, because your self esteem won't shrivel up and die. You have everything you need to go and have a long, happy life on your own.

@JingleBellFlop I just wanted to give a friendly hand hold. You sound like a strong, vibrant woman. You deserve better and you know it. And the brilliant thing is you have the financial independence to do it. You will be ok. It's time to put yourself first. It sounds like you were a single parent and you took a leap of faith and it hasn't worked. That's ok. Time for the next chapter.

The 'doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me' line made me furious. He doesn't own you. It's time you looked in your bag of fucks and see clearly that you have no more fucks to give. This is your life. @Electricalb is spot on with her advice and articulated what I wanted to say. Maybe as we age our tolerance lowers. You still have half a life left to live. Set yourself up for a happier one with your self esteem in tact.

last night he said that it’s a “doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anybody else to have me” type of situation

Another poster who finds this a nasty and moronic thing to say. No wonder OP mention being furious earlier on in the thread! I think you’re getting a lot of responses because people are angry on your behalf, OP! And because you sound lovely and switched on:).

You also mention possible misogyny, when you think back on conversations. I had a short-term relationship with a misogynist - my first - and certainly when I looked back there were a few clues in conversations, but I put them to one side, as I found it confusing. A man like that thinks a woman should be grateful for his pathetic attentions. And also thinks that he’s better, even though he brings less to the table. (PS. He may or may not be a porn hound, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was let’s say, so he expects a porn star in the bedroom and a slave in the kitchen.)

He’s not even worth getting angry with, dickhead. Or even having a “respectful“ conversation. Don’t express any regrets or feelings to him. Just be matter of fact. He doesn’t deserve any pleasantries or emotional explanation. Just pack your bags when you’re ready and go.

I agree with the previous poster said just quietly get on with sorting yourself a new flat to move into (you are so lucky you have the resources to do this easily), treat yourself to some nice stuff, a holiday, whatever, and start again. Every day is a new day.

He might want it to stay as is for now but how long do you think that is going to last ? You said yourself he looks young and is in shape. As soon as a better replacement comes along he will be gone
Also, I'm sorry but if you stay any respect he has for you is going to evaporate .. I would have to be really really desperate to stay with a man who only after a few years declares he doesn't find me attractive. I'm not saying this to be mean, I understand how hard this must be for you but seriously, after your last update.. RUN. At least this way it will be on your own terms.. better than seeing him swaning off into the sunset with some younger women leaving your already battered self esteem in tatters
I think most things you can come back from but saying you don't fancy someone isn't one of them..
You need to find your pride..

Another thing to 100% believe is when a man like that sees you purely in terms of his convience AKA a white appliance, he has 0% loyalty towards you.

He will absolutely still be looking around at other women.
I wouldn't trust that turd as far as I could throw it.

You are worth 10 of him.
Twat.

He's a total shit. He's waited until you have sold your own house and settled your dcs into his to then start withholding sex and admitting he doesn't fancy you?!

I mean, over time the sex-mad stage wears off of course and you go through peaks and troughs but to be saying he doesn't fancy you and letting sex drop off a cliff after two years? That's bad. I've been with dh 20+ years and we still fancy one another and have pretty regular sex. He's always telling me I'm gorgeous etc.

You'll slowly fade away and become very resentful if you accept this. I'd also not be surprised if it's a precursor to him starting to look elsewhere.

Sorry to be crude (I genuinely dislike that) - but I have a suspicion he’s nothing special - or worse -in the sack 😮

Another thought re. misogyny. I bet he doesn’t even like women. Would you say that stuff to someone you respected or liked ? (Though I could be projecting my experience here).

It doesn’t really matter what the cause is- I’m pretty sure it’s his issue and nothing to do with OP though. Maybe he’s gay, maybe low sex drive, maybe he wanted a wife to look after him & his sons.

However, @JingleBellFlop you do have choices now (well done for being good with money- could you advise me please!? 🤣).

As long as you don’t feel threatened there is no rush to move out and waste your money on rent, but you could benefit from the slow house season to start a search immediately for a new home. Or maybe plan a lovely, memorable holiday for Christmas this year- you and your boys or just you if they’re with their dad- you could go on retreat in Portugal, learn to surf in Morocco, rescue goats in India or whatever you fancy. You don’t even have to tell him until you’re ready, but all that will depend on how things are between you and whether there has ever been any suggestion of malicious behaviour on his part (I really hope not, I really hope that this is a smooth new start for you rather than a brutal ending).

good luck! Let us know how you get on.

Just a 🤔 p.s. I think it’s a pretty weird thing to say that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you, after putting you down. If he said that maybe I would be a bit wary of him. It’s hard for an outsider to tell if there’s controlling vibes here or is he just a rude misogynist moron. Be careful and put yourself first.

It doesn't matter what other people do or how their relationships look like. The question is what do you want?
You've only been together for few years.

I understand you're disappointed he didn't tell you before but he was also called "bastard" on this thread because someone thought it was cruel he told you. It's just not something that can be easily communicated, especially when it seems like he does love you and doesn't want to lose you.

The most important thing is what do you do now that you know. Do you see future with him? You are still young and it sounds like you need something more from a man so relationship will be very difficult to continue.

Has he withheld sex and made those comments to deliberately knock your self-esteem and confidence so you don't dare to leave him? Trying to knock your independence, given you out-earn him? Whether this is deliberate emotional manipulation or not, a relationship that leaves you feeling confused and undermined is not a healthy relationship. I'm sorry that it has turned out like this, but please leave for your own preservation.

My other thought, is he laying the grounds to have an affair, which if you found out and objected to, he could respond, but I told you I didn't fancy you?

The problem isnt you. It’s the porn usage. If he stopped the porn you wouldn’t have this issue.
Will he give up the porn for you in order to improve the relationship. That’s a question to ask you.
Its also really sad he think it is ok to say this to you.

Thank you all, just thought I would update on this. I will be moving out first week of January. I’ve tried to make sense of his feelings/see if I can tolerate the option on the table. But I can’t. Today when I said that I could possibly settle into an ‘arrangement’ if I felt that the love was deep and committed and he said he doesn’t want to promise anything. So I went and looked at a property. Wish me luck. And thanks to all of you for your kindness and wisdom. Merry Christmas xx