DP says he loves me, but doesn’t fancy me

[JingleBellFlop]

Classic. I (48 soon) have not had the best run of relationship luck. So when DP (53 recently) showed up in early 2022, with promises of the greatest love story of all time, I fell hard. We have lived together for a year and our families have blended well. Lovely. Intimacy dropped off gradually - to begin with he was saying it was work stress, then he said he felt too much of a ‘dad bod’ and then he said at the weekend “I don’t know what it is”. Which I pressed him on last night and he admitted that he doesn’t fancy me - but he “loves me so much”. It was a good chat, everyone stayed kind and calm, but I can’t make it make sense. I ought to know the answers in my advancing years, but I just don’t. Is it how relationships are at a certain age? Do I trade off being fancied for the reasonably nice life/family that we have? I did ask him when was the last time he looked at me and thought “phwoar” and he said it was on a weekend away we had - I looked up the date, as I knew it was a while ago and it was in June 2022, which means he’s been rather dishonest for 18 months. Just needed to vent really.

Most men don't think along those lines. They are very bad at self awareness. Ugly fat men think they have it and still have a chance with a prettier, slimmer , younger woman!

This is powerful. Thank you. So glad your Mum made her way back to herself.

Not me bursting into tears at “We are here for you”. Thank you so much.

Thanks. Yes, I am struggling to get past it and also have a need to understand. My friend actually raised that Avoidants do this - he does fit with that profile.

This is a really tough one and I really feel for you. I don't think he necessarily did anything wrong - he gave other reasons initially (maybe to save your feelings) and only when you pressed him did he then admit the truth. I guess he could have said the spark had gone which might be less hurtful but you may have been left confused. It might be worth understanding from him what has changed (If it has) - did he essentially 'ignore' the fact he didn't fancy you at the start because he really liked you and everything else was goodand he wanted it to work? Or has it gone and if so is there anything he can point to. I don't think jumping to conclusions based on nothing (that it is ED or porn or he wants a cook and cleaner) is helpful.
I'm not sure how you can come back from this though - of course you want your partner to find you attractive especially after 2 years. I agree with PP about prioritising yourself - that may also bring the spark back ironically.

@Bibi12 I don’t think he’s a villain, but I do think it’s unusual to stop fancying someone whom you genuinely love within just two years. It suggests to me that he felt more platonic towards her in the first place and wasn’t honest about it.

DH and I aren’t as physically besotted each other as we used to be, but it’s been over 25 years! 😂 We’re still quite keen on each other though and I think that’s pretty standard.

I agree. I think it's possible he really liked OP's other qualities and assumed that would be enough for a relationship. Good partners are hard to find and prioritising personality and compatibility over sexual attraction is not that uncommon, especially when passionate past relationships failed.

However what I wanted to point out is the double standards because when from time to time a man on here posts about wife not wanting sex/not fancying him he's usually told to do more housework, accept nobody owes him sex and decide if he wants to move on. Yet OP's partner has been called worst names under the sun and made into some kind of cruel villan and weirdo because according to women men should want sex or else they are porn addicts and abnormal.

Sex, especially for men, takes a lot of effort. They are expected to please and perform. It's actually very common for men to lose interest in sex with someone they are not attracted to. Release can be easily attained by masturbation, sex on other hand requires actual real desire.

They both made rushed decision to live together. They are both responsible. He probably had no idea how he would feel down the line and how relationship would unfold. In the beginning everyone hopes for the best and newness of it all keeps the spark warm enough. There is a reason it's called honeymoon period.

He could have kept it to himself but OP pressed him for answeres and pretending wouldn't have been in best interest of anyone either, would it?

It's a horrible situation but unfortunately the choice is to accept or move on.

And the OP was asked if her appearance had changed in the SECOND reply.

Way before the other stuff came up but women owe men pretty eh?

I don't understand why you keep quoting me and saying "She was asked if her appearance changed in SECOND reply " and what revelance it has to me and my comments. The second reply wasn't mine and has nothing to do with me, why don't you address the person who wrote it?

Where did you come up with "women owe men pretty eh?" and again what revelance it has to me and what I wrote because I can't find any. It's like you're arguing in your head and keep misrepresenting what I wrote in order to keep that argument valid. I do not believe anyone owes anyone pretty, neither do they owe anyone sex or sexual attraction.

Men and women are allowed not to want sex/not to fancy someone. Yes it's a huge problem in a relationship but It doesn't make someone a monster, bastard, looser, weirdo or a crazy porn addic (and countless of other insults people come up with on this thread). If you read it as "women owe men pretty " then I can't help you.

@Bibi12 The fact that he doesn’t fancy me isn’t the issue for me. As you say, he is allowed that. The bits that I am stuck on are that he didn’t tell me and made excuses (last night he said that it’s a “doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anybody else to have me” type of situation), which I feel has removed my agency, as I did not have all the information to be able to make informed choices, until now. He wants us to stay exactly as we are - my questions to the world at large really are: is that what lots of people do/is it actually an acceptable trade off? Does wild and lasting romance exist for everyone else/am I missing out on my Big Love? Is this as good as it gets? Etc.

It’s too short a time to have this said. Maybe a long marriage, even that’s not great but not two years. I’d be out.

I think you should quietly buy another house. You don’t need to rush out immediately, just buy a nice place and move out when he is at work. Don’t tell him you your plans or he will promise you the world, then promptly go back to how he was.

It sounds like he wants you to hang around until he meets another woman he can disappoint.

I don’t think most long term relationships have the fires of passion burning, but I honestly couldn’t stay with dh if he wasn’t attracted to me. With all life’s up and downs, you need
to know that affection is there and that you are desired in some way, otherwise it will eat into your self esteem and confidence.

"Doesn't want me, but doesn't want anybody else to have me."

He is shameless in his selfishness.

I'd absolutely take that as a green light to look after yourself. I wouldn't be rushing if he is non-violent. He just reads as pathetic, dishonest and selfish. Absolutely something to remove yourself from, but easier said than done. You don't have to be acrimonious or bitter, just go with your head up.

Agree with @ Private....so selfish.

EXACTLY how much are you doing and providing for him and his children that he clearly prefers the status quo?

He certainly doesn't genuinely care about you because his statements are ALL about him and HIS needs being met.

100% suit yourself, but I would be actively looking to do my own thing and I sure as shit wouldn't be killing myself creating a lovely Christmas for him.
Screw that.

Yep. I don’t have a great deal of experience of people caring about my needs - including my own parents, so I think that’s what’s happened here, I have gone for a relationship that puts me in the familiar role of not-mattering-as-much-as-everyone-else. He has a good job, but I earn more, so that makes us comfortable - I do the majority of the planning/booking/paying. So, yes, I think his “I love you so much” could easily be “I love what you can provide so much”.

He wants us to stay exactly as we are - my questions to the world at large really are: is that what lots of people do/is it actually an acceptable trade off? Does wild and lasting romance exist for everyone else/am I missing out on my Big Love? Is this as good as it gets? Etc.

What you are now doing is lowering your standards and expectations so that he fits into them and you can tell yourself it’s ok.

As a married woman 31 years in, with loads of ups and downs in these years, I can tell you that no, romance doesn’t always last and your partner won’t always look like the hot 20 something that they were. Love takes different forms. Everyone’s take on love is different, everyone has different things they’d put up with.

DH and I aren’t jumping each others bones much anymore, but neither of us care. DH and I are still really intimate in loads of other ways. I’ve put up with a lot of crap from my DH. Not affairs or anything, just thoughtlessness and he’s a bit selfish and lacking in self awareness. However, the big thing I will never compromise on, the hill that I’d die on is my own self respect and dignity. Go after that and I’ll lose my shit big time.

Your DP is doing just this. He’s taken a sledgehammer at the large part of your esteem that is made up of how you view yourself in terms of looks and desirability. What he’s basically saying to you is “On paper, you are brilliant. We get on great, I like your family, I’m enjoying the practical aspects of our relationship and I’m very comfortable in this set up. I don’t really fancy you though. I wish I did, but I just don’t”.

I think there’s an element of misogyny here too. He’s perhaps got an idea of what a perfect woman should look like and he’s deluded. He thinks he’s settled.

If someone told me I wasn’t their type or didn’t fancy me a few dates in, that’s one thing. To keep it to yourself and let things develop to living together is downright underhand.

After 31 years, my DH may not think I’m the hottie I was at 24, and he doesn’t squeeze my arse when I walk past but yesterday I got told I was gorgeous and he makes me feel good about myself.

It’s very clear that he has affected you quite badly. Personally I’d be making plans to leave him high and dry, and I’d also be ripping a few strips off him back to bring him back to the reality that he’s not a 25 year old Paul Newman lookalike and that you can do better than him, but he can’t do better than you.

Yours is a common situation.
Women being reared to give.
Men being reared to take.

Now at nearly 60 that has hugely changed. Menopause is good for finally turning off the giving tap🙏.

Turn that tap off for Christmas.
Organise and pay for nothing.
Go away for Christmas if you can, visit family, airbnb, look at your options.

Expect him to majorly back track the minute he realises that shit is goi g to impact him.

Infact, if you could go away for the weekend and leave him to it.

Stop paying for anything extra today.

In this set up he has effectively said you can be his free housekeeper, PA that makes his life easier via your income.

Honestly, who the fxxk does he exactly think he is?
Delusional about his own appeal for sure.

I would be dropping the rope so quickly and getting organised ASAP to be out of there.
No way would he have a final Christmas on my back.
Twat.

It really depends what your needs are and what you want from a relationship and what you want to prioritise. I’m sure many people are content with little passion if the rest of their needs are being fulfilled, although I suspect this would be after a longer relationship. Or they will stick with it for now because at the moment - kids / health/ finances etc. it’s convenient and meeting enough of their needs.

It sounds like the trust is really damaged for you now he’s finally being honest (ironically!). I’d be having a conversation about whether he’s happy to not have any intimacy ever again if he wants you to stay together. If he’s prepared to write that off it could be (a) that sex just isn’t important to him (b) this is actually about his sex drive. Would you want to consider opening up the relationship if that’s the case?

Every relationship is unique - so it doesn’t really matter what anyone else does - it’s your life, your values, your happiness. Do what feels right for you.

So, yes, I think his “I love you so much” could easily be “I love what you can provide so much”.

I’ve lived in a few other countries and observed that in some cultures it’s the practical side of marriage that takes priority over sex and romance. Our culture sort of does the reverse.

Like I said, it seems like you have ticked loads of boxes for him and made his life very comfortable. I’d be concerned that he won’t be there for you in a time of need.

So, ask yourself, if you got ill tomorrow, would he look after you longterm and make sacrifices to help you?

You aren’t married, your DC are older and they aren’t his. This isn’t a major disaster to extrapolate yourself from someone who is chipping big chunks off your esteem.

One of the things I am working on/ using at the moment is something I’ve seen advised here. It’s “you can’t save your marriage, save yourself”. My marriage is fine at the moment but I am saving myself in other ways. You need to be there for you and your DC. You need to be mentally and physically well for you and them. Save yourself. Get angry. Allow yourself a few days to feel sad then rise up out of the ashes and be the strong woman I know you are, stronger than this stupid fuckface, and sort out your living logistics and give him his Christmas present - his marching orders.

You have had some great advice on here OP. Definitely leave! What he said was cruel and selfish, he does't want you but doesn't wan't anyone else to have you! Yeah right! So he doesn't want his cosy life disrupted but doesn't care about your feelings at all? What a prince!
I don't think it's ED or porn necessarily, he's most likely had his head turned. Thats the way it usually goes. I'm so glad you are seeking therapy and also that you are financially independent. You are still young and deserve so much better than this.

Christ I'd be out of there so fast my head would spin. It's such a vital part of a relationship for me. I'm so sorry OP.

There is a massive difference between a long loving relationship of decades that is kind and happy, but lacks huge romance,....... and a relationship in its infancy that has become a domestic only arrangement that suits a male partner hugely.

She's not a free housekeeper.

It’s interesting that you say about an element of misogyny, I have started to think this, just from various elements of conversations. Thanks for this. The fog is clearing for me, I think.

And this “doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anybody else to have me” is breathtakingly selfish. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart.