DP says he loves me, but doesn’t fancy me

[JingleBellFlop]

Classic. I (48 soon) have not had the best run of relationship luck. So when DP (53 recently) showed up in early 2022, with promises of the greatest love story of all time, I fell hard. We have lived together for a year and our families have blended well. Lovely. Intimacy dropped off gradually - to begin with he was saying it was work stress, then he said he felt too much of a ‘dad bod’ and then he said at the weekend “I don’t know what it is”. Which I pressed him on last night and he admitted that he doesn’t fancy me - but he “loves me so much”. It was a good chat, everyone stayed kind and calm, but I can’t make it make sense. I ought to know the answers in my advancing years, but I just don’t. Is it how relationships are at a certain age? Do I trade off being fancied for the reasonably nice life/family that we have? I did ask him when was the last time he looked at me and thought “phwoar” and he said it was on a weekend away we had - I looked up the date, as I knew it was a while ago and it was in June 2022, which means he’s been rather dishonest for 18 months. Just needed to vent really.

I know you said it was a respectful conversation but what he said is deeply hurtful and unkind. He could have said the spark has gone for him or something along those lines. To outright make you feel unattractive to him is so degrading and callus. I would honestly LTB. It sounds like he has a porn addiction and this is no life for you. I'm sorry 💐

Do I trade off being fancied for the reasonably nice life/family that we have?

That makes me feel very sad for you @JingleBellFlop

If you would have said:

Do I trade off being fancied for the amazing relationship with my best friend, life in a mansion, millions in the bank, never have to work a day in my life, treats me like a princess, lots of laughs and making memories onboard our superyacht in Monaco?

I might have said maybe. But even then, it's still sad.

But "reasonably nice"? No. Absolutely fucking not.

Are you happy with a "reasonably nice life" with someone who doesn't fancy you or want to have sex with you?

Yeah, there are men who don't want to be seen as the bad guy who left, so they make their partner's life pretty miserable do she cracks and makes the rescission to break up

It's really not good for your self esteem to stay in a relationship where he is acting like this. Ugh. Sorry.

You sold your house and blended your families for someone you hardly know? That is insane.

We that's not your only issue.

Did things really gone so smoothly that after 1 year you moved into his?

How did his kids take having you there?

What did your kids feel to them moving into another kids house and living with another man?

I know this post wasn't about the blending of families so you obviously didn't give their ages so most of the above might be irrelevant.

Obviously you may not answer as it's quite personal.

“I don’t think it’s ED - he keeps himself well looked after, if you follow - possible porn addiction. Not sure though.”

This is your answer. He can’t get it up for normal sex with a real woman. He can only get off to porn. Bin him. He’s a loser and this will destroy your self esteem.

For me, sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. It’s the difference between a loving, intimate partnership versus a friendship.

You are only in your 40’s OP. There is a man out there who will give you everything that makes a relationship. Don’t stay with this man. He will erode your self esteem and this just builds resentment.

Totally agree with @Shallysally!

His other relationships. How many relationships were there? And how long did those last?

I was looking at our wedding photos today. My wife was an absolute stunner at 22 when we married. Now in her late 40s, same cheeky smile, same gorgeous eyes, and a lifetime of love between us, i honestly still feel like i won the lottery. Attraction should grow, not fade. I think it changes, so that it's the person's character you fancy, through their looks, but if it comes from love, it's definitely something different rather than less. If he's decided he doesnt fancy you after such a short time, its hard to understand how he ever did. And to tell you that, and to expect you to just carry on being with him, it's grim. He should expect you to never want him anywhere near you again.

Its not an age thing. My DH still fancies me and I am 72.

It's not your age - you won't have changed much in a couple of years.

You can't stay with someone who openly admits they don't find you attractive anymore. He will absolutely either have an affair or end it himself. Do yourself a favour and end it amicably.

You sound like a catch - go out there and catch someone who deserves you!

This is lovely. And I agree 😊

When me and DP first got together we fancied the pants off each other and were never out of bed!

We still fancy each other massively now but obviously life is "normal" and not the honeymoon phase these days! But we still take every opportunity to give each other a little kiss or a squeeze on the bum, we have sex most nights (which is even better know we know each other so well) and the love I have for DP now is far, far deeper and stronger than what we had in the early days.

The feelings you have for someone are meant to grow over time, not diminish...

Love 🥰

I'd end the relationship. I think it will ruin your self esteem. I also wouldn't have a sexless relationship.

If you're not having sex, then you're just housemates. Can you imagine a future - say, 30 more years - like this? It was so cruel of him to say he doesn't fancy you. I think you should call it a day. Being on your own would be better than being with someone who doesn't want intimacy.

He has at least been honest, however hard it is to hear.

up to you now, you know where he stands.

You didn’t really sell your house, did you? 😬
Please say it’s rented out, not sold..

He doesn’t fancy you?

The “ I love but don’t fancy you “
He’s after having an affair. (Most likely).

I completely agree. I've been with my husband 8 years. He's a bit younger than me so was early 20s when we met. He's gained more than a few pounds and he's gone from boyish looking to manly. But I can honestly say despite getting comfortable with each other and the monotony of day to day life, I am way more attracted to him than I was then. I'll never get bored of him or want anyone else.

You surely haven’t compromised yours and your children’s security by moving in with this man after a year and having to start from scratch a year later now he’s gone off you? Where’s the money from your previous home?

OP he is sleeping with his housekeeper who has put on a stone in weight, result of your good cooking, you look after 7! and a dog : you have slipt into a role and forfeited romance, physical and sexual love.

As others have said, sincerely hope you didn’t forfeit your house.

here is a key phrase for you -

“ living as his guest and dependent on his goodwill “

good advice here as ever from the wise women of mumsnet

we should have an offshoot - world weary womansnet - or WWW

This is a deal-breaker for me, I don't care if everyone else in the world doesn't fancy me, but I need my husband or partner to fancy me! It doesn't have to be fireworks all the time, but a kiss that gives you a little tingle, a regular sex life, thinking he's got nice arms, anything, but if that is all dead, what's he carrying on for.

I'm guessing he likes you running the house, cooking for everyone and my guess is the main emotional carer as well, I bet he has kids and you look after everyone very nicely.

It's easier for him this way, but I a) don't want to cook, clean and bring money in for another man or his kids anyway and b) he may well have had his head turned, and if he hasn't, surely that might happen quite soon if he doesn't fancy you and c) I bet he does have issues with ED in real life as opposed to when he's viewing porn. He's avoiding sex and that's kind of the point of a later life relationship- flirting, sex, fun, not more drudgery, no?

Fuck that! Get the hell out op, he will kill your self esteem the longer you stay. He wants a nurse with a purse as he trundles toward old age, and doesn’t care about you or your feelings (well not enough). Seriously, end this now.

This isn't a very long relationship, I wouldn't let it destroy your self esteem by getting involved in the finer detail. Are you in a position to move out? I know it feels nuclear when all else is ok but just 'i don't fancy you' after such a short time doesn't leave you much to work with. It's not like you've become disconnected after a long marriage or have stopped having sex due to stress or health reasons. The porn and preferences for younger women are a knot I'd leave him to untie himself. He shouldn't have let you move in knowing there was a lack of attraction. Please don't take this all personally. It's a him issue.

Thank you all. Sorry, still haven’t worked out how to reply individually. For those that have asked, kids are all late teens (mine are boys) I have the equity from my house sale still, untouched in savings, so I am in a position to move out. I guess the thought of the upheaval is overwhelming just now, but there isn’t really any evidence to suggest I should stay. The kids all get on great - and there’s no reason why they shouldn’t still hang out together. This will be our 3rd Christmas together, and I guess sadly our last.

This. Do you have minor children who were subjected to this hasty, whirlwind "blending"? Why on earth do that to them? Now the relationship is dead. I hope you kept your house.