Do I report this, or respect teen DD’s wishes?

[Safeguardingdilemma]

Hi mumsnet. I’d appreciate some advice/perspectives/experiences, I feel completely torn and devastated. Name changed for this too.

my DD was raped. They are both under 16 and at the same school.

I have spoken to the local SARC who have impressed upon me the importance of reporting to the school/police. This will trigger a MASH referral and it will all be out of my hands what happens next.

DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to report it and that she just wants to move on.

I know reporting it is the right thing to do, but all the advice online and my gut feeling is to respect her wishes. I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone been through this? What is it like to report without pursuing a prosecution? My fear is it’ll be hellish but unproductive, I’ll regret it and DD will never forgive me.

If your DD doesn’t report it he will do it again. She may also change the way she sees this incident when she is older and wish she had dealt with it differently. I hope more qualified people will be along to advise you but I think you have to be the parent here. It’s too serious.

I appreciate that you feel you need to keep her confidence and I totally understand her reluctance but I would be reporting it asap.

I'm old and cynical.

If you report it your DD will never trust you again.

The police process of investigation is not supportive and she will be challenged in her story. Many rape victims find the investigation very difficult.

Very very few rapes ever make it to court much less result in a conviction.

If you report it chances are high he'll still be able to do it again. The judicial process won't stop him.

I wouldn't accept the price I know my daughter would pay for the remote prospect of him actually being convicted.

Thank you both

Thank you @Octavia64 - the plan is to report without pursuing a prosecution/investigation so social services etc can step in.

Police here.
I would contact 101 and advise them of the circs and your daughters wishes at present. It could be at the moment she is overwhelmed with the thought of a police process along with emotions she is feeling.
If she is willing to go to a SARC any evidence can be preserved for many years. Even if right now she doesnt support an investigation.
If this has recently happened I would place any clothing in a sealed bag.
The police will go with whatever your daughters wishes and help her access emotional support.
It could be this person has previous or will offend in the future and this report will form part of this wider picture.
Sending love to you and your daughter.
Despite the press there are some wonderful cops out there who really do care.
Make sure you access any support services for yourself.

Take care.

I second all of this. I have personal experience having reported a rape that went all the way through to a criminal trial.

Your DD has had her control and autonomy ripped away from her in a very painful and traumatic way. What she needs now is to feel that you respect her autonomy, that her 'no' will be taken seriously, that she still has some control in her life.

It is possible to arrange for the collection of physical evidence without going through with a full report - would she be happy to do this? It would give her more options later on. (As it would allow for her potentially changing her mind at a future date.)

"DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to report it and that she just wants to move on."

I've never been raped but I do know women who have been. It's not something you move on from and your dd is going to need a lot of support to navigate this. Irrespective of the reporting you cannot possibly think going to school every day and seeing her rapist is going to be alright? What counseling or therapy is she getting access to? She might not fully grasp the seriousness of what has happened yet. Please make sure she is getting some support, even if it's accessing support anonymously through a helpline. I am sure there will be someone along with some ideas of where.

This happened to me many years ago as a teenager. I didn't report it and didn't tell my parents, or anyone. That was the right decision for me. Had my parents known, they would probably have taken the decision out of my hands and reported it, which would have been a nightmare for very little point. At best, a short sentence but still unlikely and the added trauma of a prosecution, having to look at that person, describe what he did. I couldn't do that.
I think you have to listen to your daughter. There's no good outcome other than maintaining your daughter's trust.

It's a hard one.. in theory the absolute right thing to do would be to report but the reality is it can feel like it's made things worse. I personally wouldn't report a rape, there's no point. You get treated like shit.

On the other hand though, even though it'll be kept on file for when he does it again. So could help future victims.

Either way she's going to struggle with it when the initial emotions wear off. She might feel differently. Keep the evidence safe maybe.

I would try really hard to get her to give physical evidence but respect her wishes totally. I thought you could have rape kits done at a rape crisis centre without going directly to the police but I may be wrong.

I definitely wouldn’t be reporting to the police against her wishes.

thank you for your perspectives and 💐 to all the survivors, me too 💔

just to clarify, I’m not considering pursuing a prosecution, trial, full investigation. What I’ve been told is that we can report it without it coming to that. I would not put my DD through that.

With first hand experience unfortunately, where it is two young people and there were no witnesses it will not go to trial. The police can actually be very good - and what others said about keeping it on file - but I would respect your DD's wishes on this ultimately. She needs to know you have her back more than ever.

As far as I am aware, this is correct.

OP - I would suggest this to your DD. Going to one of these centres isn't a commitment to report, and she would be treated sensitively. They will also be able to signpost help and treatment she may need - both mental and physical. For example, they will provide emergency contraception without her having to go to a pharmacy etc.

I would let her know though that what happened to her is serious and a crime, even though it is not being pursued, you take it seriously and it doesn't mean that because it is hard to prove it is somehow her fault and she should not blame herself for someone else's appalling action. Counselling may be good if/when she wants to talk about it. Also think of yourself - do you want to talk to someone? It is very hard for parents as well. If you do go down that route I'd try to get a personal recommendation (without necessarily giving details what it's for - you can check the counsellor's experience out online).

You can do pregnancy and std tests at home, if it hasn't only just happened there is no need for the rape kit. A local centre may send them home for you.

“If your DD doesn’t report it he will do it again.”

That is not the OP’s daughter’s fault or problem. Talk about victim blaming. She’s already had her choice and her autonomy removed by this boy, having it removed again by her mother is all kinds of wrong.

It is none of anyone else’s business what your daughter chooses to do about this OP, even yours. If you break her trust she will never forgive you, and she will never confide in you again.

It’s amazing how many people on here claim to be “pro choice” or “my body my choice” but only about one issue. This young woman is making a choice and it should be respected.

I'd ask dd to think of the next person he does this to and try to protect them. What if it's her best friend? Or her little sister/cousin (someone relatable to her).

Give a statement and submit any evidence (clothes etc) so that he is on the radar if nothing else. Then get her counselling.

That said, if she still refuses, I'd just seek the counselling. She can always report it in the future if she feels stronger. But right now you absolutely can't break her trust.

Do you have any idea how it might feel, at 16, to have been raped and to have your mother tell you that future rapes are your fault if you don't put yourself through a legal process? What a horrible post.

"I'd ask dd to think of the next person he does this to and try to protect them. What if it's her best friend? Or her little sister/cousin (someone relatable to her)."

Do not do this! It's a terrible, awful idea.

She's traumatised. Do you think she also needs guilt heaped on top of what she's already feeling?

Exactly. What a horrible, insensitive thing to suggest saying to a teenage rape victim.

I think this is a really tough one , and one that only you and your daughter can choose.

I can give you my experience, my daughter was sexually assaulted in year 10 . We of course told the police, we encouraged her too as did school.

the year of absolute chaos that followed was so unsettling for her , that actually I would think twice about reporting again. That’s not to say ignore it, maybe I would have had a private councillor talk to her for as long as she wanted.

when I say chaos I mean police visits , social services, chms . Vast majority came to visit her in school multiple times.School made a massive deal out of it (they were supportive to a point ) and I feel it caused turmoil where it wasn’t needed .

the end result with the police was no evidence, one word against the other.

it felt like the entire world knew by the. End of the year , which my daughter hated ( of course we reinforced she had nothing to be ashamed of , but I would too have hated that level of involvement) she started to refuse school at this point, but again she didn’t know what person would be taking her out during maths for yet another little chat.

it wasn’t until Christmas year 11 that she settled a bit , but a lot of damage had been done to her attendance in her gcse years by that point.

it could have been handled better, and the outside agencies seemed to come in then drop her just as quick .

maybe I haven’t explained myself very well, but if I could have provided a more settled school environment for her I would have done

It's not her responsibility! Don't victim blame! I don't blame her for not reporting this. She will end up in court and be questioned by lawyers like a criminal because victims are treated like criminals and rape/severe SA is never taken seriously by the courts. Victims rarely get justice.

This is exactly my fear and what I want to protect her from. Also, any therapist she speaks to would be obliged to report it as she is under 16.