Page 4 | Do I report this, or respect teen DD’s wishes?

Safeguardingdilemma · 2024-12-03T05:56:17+00:00

Hi mumsnet. I’d appreciate some advice/perspectives/experiences, I feel completely torn and devastated. Name changed for this too. my DD was raped. They are both under 16 and at the same school. I have spoken to the local SARC who have impressed upon me the importance of reporting to the school/police. This will trigger a MASH referral and it will all be out of my hands what happens next. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to report it and that she just wants to move on. I know reporting it is the right thing to do, but all the advice online and my gut feeling is to respect her wishes. I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been through this? What is it like to report without pursuing a prosecution? My fear is it’ll be hellish but unproductive, I’ll regret it and DD will never forgive me.

Original poster

Safeguardingdilemma · 03/12/2024 11:00

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and experiences, they are all appreciated 💐

I’m so sorry for all of us that it’s such an agonising and complex decision. It shouldn’t be this way.

I would dearly love to just quietly let the school know, and set her up with some counselling. Sadly, this is not possible as it would have the same effect as reporting. There is no halfway, as I understand it. So it’s up to us to create the right course of action, or the least worst one.

OP posts:

Oneanonymouspost · 03/12/2024 11:02

Safeguardingdilemma · 03/12/2024 11:00

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and experiences, they are all appreciated 💐

I’m so sorry for all of us that it’s such an agonising and complex decision. It shouldn’t be this way.

I would dearly love to just quietly let the school know, and set her up with some counselling. Sadly, this is not possible as it would have the same effect as reporting. There is no halfway, as I understand it. So it’s up to us to create the right course of action, or the least worst one.

Would it be possible (with your daughter consent) to talk to his parents. Make them aware it happened, and make it absolutely clear that he is not to talk, come near, or speak of your daughter ever again?

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 11:08

Oneanonymouspost · 03/12/2024 10:59

I was at school with him and also in the same friendship group so seen him often for many years after. It’s awful what has happened to OPs DD but she has clearly stated her wishes, going against them could break her further. We need to trust women to make decisions for themselves. She’s not handling it alone, she has a lovely supportive mother who presumably has given her all the options and what those options look like and she has made her decision.

I know this is probably very controversial but being ostracised by my friend group while people in the town gossiped about how drunk I was that night, or how I had been dancing with a boy, that “male friend” would never do that, that I just wanted attention, would have been worse to me than the rape itself. And that’s before we even get into what a trial would have looked like. We all know this is what happens, most of us have seen it happen.

i have so much admiration for people who report and sometimes that process is healing for the person but often it’s just as traumatic as the assault.

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You’ve misread my post I’m not talking about reporting to the police.

Only to the school. And I meant alone at school not at home. DD needs a point of contact at school and some degree of protection.

She has indeed stated her wishes but she’s under 16 and these may be kneejerk decisions based on fear, rather than a reasoned overview of what would help her the most - for which she lacks life experience.

DD believes suppression will enable her to “move on” but that will be much, much harder than she thinks.

I know girls who have tried to deal with rape single-handedly and it didn’t work out well in the long run.

Oneanonymouspost · 03/12/2024 11:12

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 11:08

You’ve misread my post I’m not talking about reporting to the police.

Only to the school. And I meant alone at school not at home. DD needs a point of contact at school and some degree of protection.

She has indeed stated her wishes but she’s under 16 and these may be kneejerk decisions based on fear, rather than a reasoned overview of what would help her the most - for which she lacks life experience.

DD believes suppression will enable her to “move on” but that will be much, much harder than she thinks.

I know girls who have tried to deal with rape single-handedly and it didn’t work out well in the long run.

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I think the issue is that reporting to the school is doing the same thing. The school will have a safeguarding responsibility to report it, as they would any other abuse made aware to them- although I don’t work in this area so would be glad to heard from teachers on this point?

if it is possible to report to the school and they are able to keep that confidential then yes that would be a good idea but I’m not sure that’s possible.

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 11:21

Safeguardingdilemma · 03/12/2024 11:00

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and experiences, they are all appreciated 💐

I’m so sorry for all of us that it’s such an agonising and complex decision. It shouldn’t be this way.

I would dearly love to just quietly let the school know, and set her up with some counselling. Sadly, this is not possible as it would have the same effect as reporting. There is no halfway, as I understand it. So it’s up to us to create the right course of action, or the least worst one.

I don’t know what you mean by halfway but reporting to the school does not require reporting to police.

There is no guarantee that he won’t target her again, harass or bully her. Or that simply seeing him continually will not be traumatic. School/LA cannot safeguard your DD if they do not know.

Rape survivors can be be protected from the trauma of having to go to school with the perpetrator by asserting a their legal rights under the Human Rights Act 1998. There is a legal framework which can be used to protect students. If you need support making a case to the school or LA for her legal rights to be properly considered, you can contact specialist child abuse lawyers:

https://childabuselawyers.com/find-a-lawyer/

mikado1 · 03/12/2024 11:23

Reporting to the school does mean the mandated staff are obliged then to report it further.

ShinyPrettyThings87 · 03/12/2024 11:25

I have personal experience of this. She's maybe not mentally ready to report. Support her how she's needs it. She may not realise how much it's going to affect her. It was months later that it hit me. Follow her lead. She's not responsible for his future actions, she is only responsible for taking care of herself for the time being. She can always report it when she's strong enough. Don't break her when she probably doesn't realise how fractured she is yet. Extra cuddles and time with her is what I'd recommend. I had none of that but it was what I needed most.

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 11:33

mikado1 · 03/12/2024 11:23

Reporting to the school does mean the mandated staff are obliged then to report it further.

That’s not true. The DfE guidance does not give clear guidelines to schools about what to do if they are made aware of an allegation of rape.

If the victim chooses not to report to the police schools are not obliged to report.

Crucially - schools have their own distinct legal obligations under the Human Rights Act which apply regardless of whether the police are involved.

DD needs to be properly protected from further contact with the perpetrator. School can only do that if they’re aware.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 03/12/2024 11:34

Have you looked to see if your local Rape Crisis offers support for under 16s?
Some do and some don't but can refer on.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 03/12/2024 11:35

The other thing is, they might be able to support you while you process what's happened. You will need to be strong for her and get as much support as you can for yourself.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 03/12/2024 11:43

Safeguardingdilemma · 03/12/2024 07:40

Neither me nor DD can talk to a counsellor, therapist etc about this, as they will have a professional obligation to report which triggers the nightmare process.

Don’t make this about you. I know it’s hard but this happened to your daughter, not you. Don’t mention in front of her about you needing counselling. Also, don’t push counselling onto her. Sometimes it’s easier to just forget about it; if that’s what she wants, let her.

leia24 · 03/12/2024 11:47

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 11:33

That’s not true. The DfE guidance does not give clear guidelines to schools about what to do if they are made aware of an allegation of rape.

If the victim chooses not to report to the police schools are not obliged to report.

Crucially - schools have their own distinct legal obligations under the Human Rights Act which apply regardless of whether the police are involved.

DD needs to be properly protected from further contact with the perpetrator. School can only do that if they’re aware.

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I think this becomes very difficult with things like school have a duty to report to the Local Authority and a duty to risk assess around the perpetrator.

OP I think your daughter needs to hear that you love her and will do anything to support her, you aren't going to make her talk to the Police, but that you do need school to be aware so they can make sure she is safe.
The Local Authority will hold a meeting with Police however if your daughter says no complaint then that's fine the Police won't investigate with no complaint and it'll close there. You can also decline involvement from the LA as long as there aren't concerns around your parenting, or that she is at ongoing risk of harm outside the home etc.
She might not feel ready to speak to somewhere like a rape crisis centre but she might find it helpful to talk to someone who isn't her mum, that could be a mentor at school etc.

Postitnotess · 03/12/2024 11:48

Oneanonymouspost · 03/12/2024 11:02

Would it be possible (with your daughter consent) to talk to his parents. Make them aware it happened, and make it absolutely clear that he is not to talk, come near, or speak of your daughter ever again?

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This is an awful suggestion. This just gives them a heads up if OP's DD decides to report in the future.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 03/12/2024 11:49

Oneanonymouspost · 03/12/2024 11:02

Would it be possible (with your daughter consent) to talk to his parents. Make them aware it happened, and make it absolutely clear that he is not to talk, come near, or speak of your daughter ever again?

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Christ almighty, NO! Honestly, do you want this poor young woman to be ostracised by her peers and community? I suggest you go back through the thread and actually read some of the real stories from women who this has happened to.

I despair of some people, I really do.

Oneanonymouspost · 03/12/2024 11:50

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 03/12/2024 11:49

Christ almighty, NO! Honestly, do you want this poor young woman to be ostracised by her peers and community? I suggest you go back through the thread and actually read some of the real stories from women who this has happened to.

I despair of some people, I really do.

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I am one of the real people who have gone through this as mentioned up thread thanks…

it was a suggestion only (possibly not a great one) but OP is desperate to protect her daughter from seeing him further.

Anotherworrier · 03/12/2024 11:52

Lovemybunnies · 03/12/2024 06:07

If your DD doesn’t report it he will do it again. She may also change the way she sees this incident when she is older and wish she had dealt with it differently. I hope more qualified people will be along to advise you but I think you have to be the parent here. It’s too serious.

What an awful thing to say.

She’s been in a horrendous situation where the choice was taken away from her.

Don’t do that again @Safeguardingdilemma , this is her decision.

leia24 · 03/12/2024 11:53

Oneanonymouspost · 03/12/2024 11:02

Would it be possible (with your daughter consent) to talk to his parents. Make them aware it happened, and make it absolutely clear that he is not to talk, come near, or speak of your daughter ever again?

Show quote history

This would be awful.
So the boy finds out and there is no professional involvement and school don't even know... this is a one way road to bullying and being completely ostracised.

OP as someone who has tried to suppress sexual abuse and then a rape as an adult, its come out to haunt me many years down the line and I'm in therapy now processing the trauma but also how devastated I am that no one supported me or cared when I was a child. Show her you love her and you believe her and spent time with her and do nice things with her.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/12/2024 11:54

Oneanonymouspost · 03/12/2024 11:02

Would it be possible (with your daughter consent) to talk to his parents. Make them aware it happened, and make it absolutely clear that he is not to talk, come near, or speak of your daughter ever again?

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Are you actually serious?!

All this would do is give him the opportunity to get his story out there first with their peer group at school. And his parents would get lawyered up as fast as you can blink.

And trying to make orders that you cannot possibly enforce (i.e. don't contact her again, don't speak of her etc.) is always a stupid idea.

Zimunya · 03/12/2024 11:55

Octavia64 · 03/12/2024 06:13

I'm old and cynical.

If you report it your DD will never trust you again.

The police process of investigation is not supportive and she will be challenged in her story. Many rape victims find the investigation very difficult.

Very very few rapes ever make it to court much less result in a conviction.

If you report it chances are high he'll still be able to do it again. The judicial process won't stop him.

I wouldn't accept the price I know my daughter would pay for the remote prospect of him actually being convicted.

I too am old and cynical. I agree. Your DD needs someone she can trust right now. Let that person be you.

Doireallywanttodothis · 03/12/2024 12:02

Twoshoesnewshoes · 03/12/2024 09:24

Therapist here
it depends- if the therapist is working for eg SARC or CAMHS etc then yes they will have to report.
therapists in private practice should be signed up to an ethical code, which will be more flexible. For example, it could be considered that, as the main carer knows, then the carer has safeguarding responsibility so the therapist could work with the 16 year old and not report.

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https://sexuallyinappropriatebehaviour.org/the-law/

Another counsellor here. Agree with this. The law is different in NI - there is a duty to report there. But if you are a counsellor in private practice in the rest of the UK there is no legal duty to report - it would be an ethical consideration. But if working for a public body, NHS, CAMHS, or a psychologist covered by the HCPC, they would be required to report.

The Law – Sexually Inappropriate Behaviour

https://sexuallyinappropriatebehaviour.org/the-law

JustMyView13 · 03/12/2024 12:13

You’ve got some really good advice on here already. But I just wanted to add that at the heart of all of this your daughter’s trust in you is the priority.
I think you’ve got some great tips on how to move this forward, but you do need to explain to your daughter why getting it on file is important, and bring her on side.
Please also make sure she knows that this is not at all her fault.

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 12:21

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 10:14

In terms of reporting to the school I think this is about protecting DD not other kids. If it’s reported, steps can be taken to either remove him from the school, (unlikely without police report I’d have thought) or at least separate him from her, and keep an eye on her.

When you’re 15 you can think you have to deal with stuff on your own and it’s too shaming to tell anyone or ask for support. Dealing with this alone at school will be very tough. Some kind of adult contact at the school whom DD can go and talk to if things get tough, would be desirable.

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Schools won't remove him if he goes to the same school and it happened outside school and often the victim gets bullied. Even when the police are involved, unless he is formally charged.

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 12:24

Oneanonymouspost · 03/12/2024 11:12

I think the issue is that reporting to the school is doing the same thing. The school will have a safeguarding responsibility to report it, as they would any other abuse made aware to them- although I don’t work in this area so would be glad to heard from teachers on this point?

if it is possible to report to the school and they are able to keep that confidential then yes that would be a good idea but I’m not sure that’s possible.

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Exactly. My daughter reported it to school first and they had to get the police involved by law.

godmum56 · 03/12/2024 12:43

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 03/12/2024 11:43

Don’t make this about you. I know it’s hard but this happened to your daughter, not you. Don’t mention in front of her about you needing counselling. Also, don’t push counselling onto her. Sometimes it’s easier to just forget about it; if that’s what she wants, let her.

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I think the OP meant her talking to a counsellor to arrange the counselling for her daughter, not that she was "pushing in" or making it about herself.

mikado1 · 03/12/2024 12:48

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 11:33

That’s not true. The DfE guidance does not give clear guidelines to schools about what to do if they are made aware of an allegation of rape.

If the victim chooses not to report to the police schools are not obliged to report.

Crucially - schools have their own distinct legal obligations under the Human Rights Act which apply regardless of whether the police are involved.

DD needs to be properly protected from further contact with the perpetrator. School can only do that if they’re aware.

Show quote history

Apologies. I'm not in the UK. I'll report my post.