Do I report this, or respect teen DD’s wishes?

[Safeguardingdilemma]

Hi mumsnet. I’d appreciate some advice/perspectives/experiences, I feel completely torn and devastated. Name changed for this too.

my DD was raped. They are both under 16 and at the same school.

I have spoken to the local SARC who have impressed upon me the importance of reporting to the school/police. This will trigger a MASH referral and it will all be out of my hands what happens next.

DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to report it and that she just wants to move on.

I know reporting it is the right thing to do, but all the advice online and my gut feeling is to respect her wishes. I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone been through this? What is it like to report without pursuing a prosecution? My fear is it’ll be hellish but unproductive, I’ll regret it and DD will never forgive me.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I think this is great point about autonomy and respecting her no, I hadn't thought of it in that context. I know not reporting can have its own costs, but I couldn't imagine pushing my daughter to go through the process a PP described if that wasnt what she wanted to do.

Get your DD some weekly therapy to discuss the rape and possible next steps. I think this is her decision to make but keep checking in occasionally to support her or enable police contact if she changes her mind. Obviously her own well-being is the most important.

I am so sorry that this has happened.
It is worth looking at what might be gained by either course of action and the balance is very fine. You as an adult will be aware that if this young man feels he has got away with it he he will see no reason not to do it again .. that is a hard fact to live with.
But what might be gained by reporting it? It is very likely to finish up as her word against his which makes a conviction unlikely. And the process would take a huge toll on everyone.
By not reporting the gain is that your DD will feel that you respect her wishes and that she can safely share her problems and know she is heard.
There is no clear answer, but a priority must be to get some counselling for your DD so that she can talk about what has happened and get some help to move on. And some help to look at how she can process this dreadful experience but go on to have happy relationships and a satisfying sex life. This expetoence will colour her thinking for the rest of her life and there needs to be some damage limitation and long term thinking.

I'd be convincing your daughter to make a formal report. Make a statement to Police with details while they are fresh in her mind - like places, dates . Have any evidence stored correctly and leaving the prosecuting part for when (or if) she is ready to proceed down that track.

The Police need to be alert to the possibility of a probable offender; other girls are at risk.

This has happened to someone I know. She never proceeded with any court actions due to wanting anonymity.
She had counselling though.

If she does report that won't stop him doing it again, the most likely outcome will be not enough evidence to convict him and a child put though what can be a highly traumatising process for nothing. No victim of sexual assault is ever responsible for the subsequent actions of the perpetrator. None of what he has done or will do in the future is her responsibility and this is a horrible thing to put upon any female, let alone a child. OPs only responsibility here is to support her DD and do what is best for her DD, they don't owe anyone else anything.

Neither me nor DD can talk to a counsellor, therapist etc about this, as they will have a professional obligation to report which triggers the nightmare process.

It's staggering to me, the number of posters who are willing to place the blame and responsibility for a rapists reoffending on a 16 year olds shoulders. If she doesn't want to go to the police and have to verbally relive the experience in front of strangers, then that is her decision.
Whatever he does in the future is not her fault or responsibility. She cannot stop him. Must be nice to blindly believe that he will be charged, convicted, jailed and miraculously rehabilitated. It doesn't happen.

you have to respect your daughters wishes. She has trusted you enough to confide in you and if you don’t respect her it could blow your relationship apart. She might change her mind but IT is HER WISHES.

If she is still in the evidential window try get her to attend the SARC and have the samples taken. They can be stored for if she changes her mind down the line.

Just support your daughter with whatever her choice may be, and be there for her. The way I see it, she’s already had one choice taken away from her, don’t take another one.

I agree with @Octavia64. Sadly this is happening all too frequently. Support your daughter and respect her wishes.

My DN was raped at 14 by 'mate' who was 15. She reported it and her life became a living hell. Her peers ostracised her, so she left school (they were utterly useless & expected her to sit in class with her rapist every day) & her family was threatened. Despite the bruising and other physical evidence, the case was declined by the CPS and never went to court. We thought we were doing the right thing by supporting her reporting but honestly, I'd think twice now. Please reconsider counselling as it has been the only thing to help to my DN.
I'm so very sorry this happened to your DD.

Literally awful advice

so sorry for what your Dd went through . I would give her the option of the centre but support her . She lost her voice when she was eaped - she needs empowering not guilt

You are doing the right thing respecting her wishes and giving her back some autonomy and control. Try to keep dialogue with her open and make sure she knows that she doesn’t have to make a once and for all decision now.

I’m shocked at some of the posts on this thread suggesting you try to coerce her by blaming her if another girl gets raped. What is wrong with people?

A bit different but a late teen family member was physically assaulted. It was difficult to even get to court but once there they were offered a deal so as not to have to testify at all, though ultimately they chose to tell their story in court. It was quite bad, easily tripped up, made to appear a liar and the perpetrator found not guilty to assault, although guilty of damage to a phone - this was devastating for them and led to some depression. It did unfortunately come over as a bit of a ‘game’ between counsel in court, which is disconcerting.
However, 18 months later the perpetrator was back in court with charges brought by next partner - the family member actually supported the new victim after they had reached out asking for advice - advised what to expect, and general support. Horrible games again and new victim told they were lying, but in the end this time they were found guilty and on sentencing the previous minor damage to property was considered as being part of a ‘pattern’ of domestic violent behaviour so taken into account. This time the family member finally got what could be called ‘closure’ and thought they’d done the right thing in proceeding initially and that helped so much.
Whilst this experience shows how a pattern can be important or how things can work out ok, actually over the years, with various random experiences, I’ve come to think I wouldn’t want to put myself through reliving a trauma over and over, and being put through this system, as it’s not worth it. Making the decision for another must be so so hard.
There is no right or wrong for your daughter as either will impact her for a long time. It’s not her responsibility to protect anyone else either - she’s enough on. I’m wondering though if there’s a more middle ground, as in having some details of this that can be validated as this date, and if she heard of it happening again then they could be put forward to make the pattern. And don’t think she could have stopped it - if he’s going to continue he will (hopefully not but) - and if she did report now it is beyond vanishingly unlikely there would be any outcome that would stop him.
It’s a horrible, horrible time for you all - look after yourselves.

This is a fucking awful thing to say to a child who has been raped. It is not the responsibility of women to prevent other women from being raped - especially when to do so they have to be put through degrading and abusive treatment at the hands of the justice system, police and defence barristers, only for their rapist to get away with it the majority of the time

Are there any counsellors or therapists on here who know if there is a work around to this? I know they have to report safeguarding risks, but if its in the past are they able to keep it confidential?

It did unfortunately come over as a bit of a ‘game’ between counsel in court, which is disconcerting.

This is a good description. Having testified in court as a rape victim, it often did feel like a weird game (one which I didn't understand the rules of). Trials are not about finding the truth or achieving justice - the adversarial system means that it's essentially a competition between prosecution and defence. It's not a nice process to go through.

My rapist was convicted and given a reasonable sentence. But even knowing that I got a 'good' outcome, I don't know if I would do it again, if I could go back in time and choose again. I got the 'best case' scenario, but it was still horrific - two years of my life spent being retraumatised.

Agree with this
Then if it a year, or 2 or whenever she changes her mind, the evidence is there

I know it's hard but I wouldn't betray your daughter's trust, especially when she's so vulnerable and is trusting you. Your poor daughter, what an awful situation. She'll need time to try process everything.

I was raped by another student in my school years. I was made to feel much worse. He turned people against me said I was trying to ruin his life. Teachers gave no support and obviously were embarrassed/rather I'd kept my mouth shut. The head wanted to shush it up to avoid the school looking bad- this was the tone they took with my parents/police etc. I ended up attempting suicide and refusing to go to school. Admittedly this was years ago and we would hope schools are better these days but I have no faith in that. The trauma of the rape is nothing compared to what the fall out was with adults who were supposed to protect me- I've never been able to trust authority figures and never feel safe with people like uni lecturing dr police etc. Unless you plan to remove your dd from the school I advise you respect her wishes. Yes in theory reporting protects others that was why I did it, but one girl who was my friend who turned against me still got assaulted by him within a year of me coming forward. She apologised to me years later when we bumped into each other said she should have believed me but that doesn't change the hell i went through at that school and that going through that protected nobody because no one believed me. As an adult I do think we have a duty to report rapes to protect other women but when it's school age girls who have no choice but to face the school I don't think anything but that girls wishes and needs matter

I would gently convince her to report it but reassure she doesn’t have to go through a police investigation. They will come out to talk to her, and offer her support services and they will want to know who the perpetrator is so that safeguarding risks can be assessed. (Is he at school with her etc)

But she doesn’t have to do anything more than just have that one chat with police specialists and if she is adamant she doesn’t want to take part in the investigation, then that is entirely her choice and they won’t pressure her.

No victim of sexual assault is ever responsible for the subsequent actions of the perpetrator.

I do not think anyone has suggested the the victim here has responsibility for what the perpetrator might subsequently do, but simply pointing out the danger that he might reoffend. That is quite simply a fact to be put into the mix. All victims of rape know this and will be thinking about that as a factor in their decision making. It is not a fact that can be magicked away. An unpleasant fact, but there it is. Both the OP and her DD will be well aware of this. It will be part of the impossible conundrum with which they are faced.

The dilemma for OP is that they know full well that whatever they decide will carry massive downsides. If they do not report, then somewhere deep down they will always worry that another girl might suffer as a result of that decision; if they do report then they will have to watch their child go through a gruelling public process, and they risk losing her trust.

A very very difficult dilemma. The realities are very harsh.

A helpful post. I am sorry that you went through this.

Please do it.

My teen daughter’s friend (13/14) was also recently raped by a boy in the group. My daughter has told me this is the second time he has been accused but it wasn’t reported the first time. He also pulled a boys boxers down and got on top of him, they had to pull him off while the child screamed in terror.
Some of us parents came to a head at the weekend and have reported him too.

I hope your daughter is doing ok.

Your DD is a minor. So in this instance I'd view it from the lens of child protection and report it.

The key thing will be ensuring she has plenty of support through that process. If she was over 18 I'd be inclined to say absolutely let her have autonomy over what happened but she is a child. You could potentially protect another child from being raped by this same person.