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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I report this, or respect teen DD’s wishes?

130 replies

Safeguardingdilemma · 03/12/2024 05:56

Hi mumsnet. I’d appreciate some advice/perspectives/experiences, I feel completely torn and devastated. Name changed for this too.

my DD was raped. They are both under 16 and at the same school.

I have spoken to the local SARC who have impressed upon me the importance of reporting to the school/police. This will trigger a MASH referral and it will all be out of my hands what happens next.

DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to report it and that she just wants to move on.

I know reporting it is the right thing to do, but all the advice online and my gut feeling is to respect her wishes. I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone been through this? What is it like to report without pursuing a prosecution? My fear is it’ll be hellish but unproductive, I’ll regret it and DD will never forgive me.

OP posts:
allthatfalafel · 03/12/2024 13:00

Zimunya · 03/12/2024 11:55

I too am old and cynical. I agree. Your DD needs someone she can trust right now. Let that person be you.

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She is a child who has been through one of the most traumatic experiences possible, the parents should be making the decisions here.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/12/2024 13:01

allthatfalafel · 03/12/2024 13:00

She is a child who has been through one of the most traumatic experiences possible, the parents should be making the decisions here.

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If her parents take away her autonomy, they will have repeated the actions of the rapist and she will never trust them again.

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 13:07

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 12:24

Exactly. My daughter reported it to school first and they had to get the police involved by law.

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That may be what they told you but it’s not true.

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 13:24

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 13:07

That may be what they told you but it’s not true.

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The OP's school may take the same course of action. That's the important thing to note, not dancing on the head of a pin about whether the school were correct in reporting a serious sexual assault or rape to the police.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/12/2024 13:24

allthatfalafel · 03/12/2024 13:00

She is a child who has been through one of the most traumatic experiences possible, the parents should be making the decisions here.

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Her DD is 15, not 6. The OP would be destroying any hope of a trusting future relationship with her DD if she ignores her wishes on this.

If she ever wants her DD to confide in her again, she needs to respect her boundaries. Reporting carries major implications, and the person who would bear most of the weight of it would be her DD, not the OP.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/12/2024 13:31

(Not sure where I got 15 from - I could have sworn it was in the OP but doesn't seem to be. Regardless, the DD should have her view listened to and respected.)

Oblomov24 · 03/12/2024 14:13

Your poor dd. As if the terrible experience isn't bad enough in itself, the next year will be very tricky, as pp's have explained. Take care, talk to her. Flowers

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 14:20

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 13:24

The OP's school may take the same course of action. That's the important thing to note, not dancing on the head of a pin about whether the school were correct in reporting a serious sexual assault or rape to the police.

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It would be very strange and very wrong of them to report to police contrary to OP’s wishes - and pointless too as without her there is no case.

Thats why I suggested OP gets in touch with a lawyer specialising in child abuse. They can outline to the school their obligations wrt keeping DD safe and also what the school is and is not legally obliged to do.

Soitis83 · 03/12/2024 14:24

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/12/2024 09:53

Are you a woman?
And do you live in the UK?

I genuinely don't understand how an adult woman in the UK could be unaware that reporting rates are woefully low (and be fully aware of the reasons why), and that the conviction rate is miniscule. This isn't new; the issue has been reported on and debated, again and again, since the 1970s.

Also, unless you are a hermit living in a cave, I can guarantee that you do know some rape victims.

Edited
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How rude. I'm from an extremely small town, I genuinely do not know a single rape victim personally. And as I've been fortunate enough to not have it around me I had no idea it was like this.

Soitis83 · 03/12/2024 14:27

Thewildthingsarewithme · 03/12/2024 10:21

@Soitis83 also absolutely horrified by these replies whilst simultaneously understanding that they represent the reality. As the mother of only boys it feels so hopeless, I know not all men but only men.
so sorry for your daughter and you OP and so sad that the law doesn’t support you both

I also have 3 boys. I'm doing the best I can to raise them in a way that these stories would also horrify them. What a scary world to be a woman

Tipsyscripsy · 03/12/2024 14:43

Lovemybunnies · 03/12/2024 06:07

If your DD doesn’t report it he will do it again. She may also change the way she sees this incident when she is older and wish she had dealt with it differently. I hope more qualified people will be along to advise you but I think you have to be the parent here. It’s too serious.

This is ABSOLUTELY NOT the responsibility of your daughter. If this person does it again the responsibility for that lies SOLEY at their door.

I think you have to respect your daughter’s wishes on this. It is up to her. It is she who it happened to and she who will have to go through police interviews and possible court etc.

Take her lead.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/12/2024 14:47

Soitis83 · 03/12/2024 14:24

How rude. I'm from an extremely small town, I genuinely do not know a single rape victim personally. And as I've been fortunate enough to not have it around me I had no idea it was like this.

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Like I said, assuming you're not a hermit and you have a normal size social circle, I can basically guarantee you do, based on the stats. You just don't know that you do because they haven't told you.

Pretty much everyone with a normal size social circle also knows a rapist. Which is chilling, but that's the reality. Rapists don't come with signs on their foreheads.

Rapes happen in small towns, villages, and rural areas too. You say you haven't had it around you, but do you not watch the news? Read newspapers? Engage in current affairs even just a little bit? These stats have been regular headline news for my entire adult life

BlitheSpirits · 03/12/2024 15:40

The first rule of safeguarding is that you cant promise to keep secrets

If teh school are told, the will absolutely have to report this to the local authority, and i think it is almost icertain thatthe y will report this serious crime against a child to the police.
I think OP you need to take legal advice about your own position in this. If t later comes out that you have covered this up and continued to send your child to the same school as the attacker, and not sought the necessary protection and care for your dependant child. where will that leave you? .Questions mayl be raised about your ability to keep your children safe. Also your daughter in years to come, especially when she has children of her own,may tiurn round and ask why you didnt act.
It is a very difficult podition you find yourself in and I dont envy you in this impossible decision

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/12/2024 15:50

BlitheSpirits · 03/12/2024 15:40

The first rule of safeguarding is that you cant promise to keep secrets

If teh school are told, the will absolutely have to report this to the local authority, and i think it is almost icertain thatthe y will report this serious crime against a child to the police.
I think OP you need to take legal advice about your own position in this. If t later comes out that you have covered this up and continued to send your child to the same school as the attacker, and not sought the necessary protection and care for your dependant child. where will that leave you? .Questions mayl be raised about your ability to keep your children safe. Also your daughter in years to come, especially when she has children of her own,may tiurn round and ask why you didnt act.
It is a very difficult podition you find yourself in and I dont envy you in this impossible decision

I'm really struggling to see how any of this could be construed as helpful. The OP is having a hard enough time as it is without fear-mongering.

BlitheSpirits · 03/12/2024 15:55

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/12/2024 15:50

I'm really struggling to see how any of this could be construed as helpful. The OP is having a hard enough time as it is without fear-mongering.

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i may be wrong on this.i am just throwing in things to consider, The OP specifically asked for perspectives and that is what i am doing.
I would try to anonymously get advice in her position.

BlitheSpirits · 03/12/2024 15:58

BlitheSpirits · 03/12/2024 15:55

i may be wrong on this.i am just throwing in things to consider, The OP specifically asked for perspectives and that is what i am doing.
I would try to anonymously get advice in her position.

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legal advice that is....I realise she is getting advice on here

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 16:00

leia24 · 03/12/2024 11:47

I think this becomes very difficult with things like school have a duty to report to the Local Authority and a duty to risk assess around the perpetrator.

OP I think your daughter needs to hear that you love her and will do anything to support her, you aren't going to make her talk to the Police, but that you do need school to be aware so they can make sure she is safe.
The Local Authority will hold a meeting with Police however if your daughter says no complaint then that's fine the Police won't investigate with no complaint and it'll close there. You can also decline involvement from the LA as long as there aren't concerns around your parenting, or that she is at ongoing risk of harm outside the home etc.
She might not feel ready to speak to somewhere like a rape crisis centre but she might find it helpful to talk to someone who isn't her mum, that could be a mentor at school etc.

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They should notify the LA and if they don’t OP can notify them herself. The OP needs to make a case to the school or LA for DD’s legal rights to be considered wrt to exposure to the perpetrator, and there’s a legal framework to protect students.

I’ve supplied a link above to lawyers who specialise in child abuse who can advise her and make the case for her.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/12/2024 18:46

Soitis83 · 03/12/2024 14:24

How rude. I'm from an extremely small town, I genuinely do not know a single rape victim personally. And as I've been fortunate enough to not have it around me I had no idea it was like this.

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Statistically, you know at least one rape victim but don't know it. We don't tend to wear t-shirts saying "I was raped".

Catoo · 03/12/2024 19:03

What DD wants must come first.

She needs to feel she has control and that her trusted people can be trusted.

Does she take any classes with this boy?

leia24 · 03/12/2024 19:22

Soitis83 · 03/12/2024 14:24

How rude. I'm from an extremely small town, I genuinely do not know a single rape victim personally. And as I've been fortunate enough to not have it around me I had no idea it was like this.

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You absolutely know someone who's been raped, small town or not. 1 in 4 women have been raped or sexually assaulted.

leia24 · 03/12/2024 19:23

Mirabai · 03/12/2024 16:00

They should notify the LA and if they don’t OP can notify them herself. The OP needs to make a case to the school or LA for DD’s legal rights to be considered wrt to exposure to the perpetrator, and there’s a legal framework to protect students.

I’ve supplied a link above to lawyers who specialise in child abuse who can advise her and make the case for her.

Show quote history

Sorry I missed a sentence thinking my first line was more clear than it is. Yes school will notify the Local Authority who will inform Police but if your daughter says no to a complaint then there won't be an investigation

myslippersarepink · 03/12/2024 22:03

Safeguardingdilemma · 03/12/2024 06:33

thank you for your perspectives and 💐 to all the survivors, me too 💔

just to clarify, I’m not considering pursuing a prosecution, trial, full investigation. What I’ve been told is that we can report it without it coming to that. I would not put my DD through that.

If you report it it's the police/cps that decide if he'll be charged, not you. They don't need your consent. Having said that they'll probably need your dd on side to aid conviction. Sorry this happened, terrible thing to happen.

H112 · 04/12/2024 00:38

I was raped at 21 and 24. I never went and regret it now.

Bring her. You're the adult and her mum. Explain the importance of going.

Google Nikita hand. Big case here in Ireland a few weeks ago. The more that go the police,the more that will.

Hug her tight and be there for her like many of our mums weren't xxx

SharpOpalNewt · 04/12/2024 02:00

H112 · 04/12/2024 00:38

I was raped at 21 and 24. I never went and regret it now.

Bring her. You're the adult and her mum. Explain the importance of going.

Google Nikita hand. Big case here in Ireland a few weeks ago. The more that go the police,the more that will.

Hug her tight and be there for her like many of our mums weren't xxx

I'm sorry about what happened to you, but that's nhelpful. Daughter needs support from her mum, yes, not to take on a protracted legal battle that will almost certainly not end in conviction and will be known about by everyone locally in spite of anonymity, when she is likely to be taking exams in a few months' time.

Also the Nikita Hand was a civil case not a criminal one and her hundreds of thousands of legal fees will likely exceed her damages, plus she is a grown woman not 15 years old, plus with all the notoriety - I'm glad she won but that is a really terrible and largely irrelevant example to give a mother of a 15 year old girl.

Nat6999 · 04/12/2024 04:33

I was raped by my exh, I reported it, did the horrendous video interview & everything. I put myself through the trauma of all of that for the CPS to decide it didn't reach the threshold for prosecution, I wish I hadn't bothered. Contact Rape Crisis for support for her, speak to the police & ask if the evidence can be held on file without further investigation, less than 2% of reported rapes ever lead to prosecution.