Do I report this, or respect teen DD’s wishes?

[Safeguardingdilemma]

Hi mumsnet. I’d appreciate some advice/perspectives/experiences, I feel completely torn and devastated. Name changed for this too.

my DD was raped. They are both under 16 and at the same school.

I have spoken to the local SARC who have impressed upon me the importance of reporting to the school/police. This will trigger a MASH referral and it will all be out of my hands what happens next.

DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to report it and that she just wants to move on.

I know reporting it is the right thing to do, but all the advice online and my gut feeling is to respect her wishes. I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone been through this? What is it like to report without pursuing a prosecution? My fear is it’ll be hellish but unproductive, I’ll regret it and DD will never forgive me.

Therapist here
it depends- if the therapist is working for eg SARC or CAMHS etc then yes they will have to report.
therapists in private practice should be signed up to an ethical code, which will be more flexible. For example, it could be considered that, as the main carer knows, then the carer has safeguarding responsibility so the therapist could work with the 16 year old and not report.

I would report it so that a thorough investigation into what happened, how it happened and how it can be prevented from happening again.

I think you need to be guided by what your dd wants to do. Just support her. Lots of people saying to tell her that he could do it again, I'm sorry but I don't think it's right to put that guilt on a young traumatised woman.

I'm sorry sorry op, I hope you're holding up ok and that your daughter gets through this the best way she can x

Reading these replies has absolutely broken me. I've never been raped or know anyone who has, thank God. So I was completely unaware that the majority don't bother reporting because they're treated terribly, rarely believed and the perpetrator rarely gets a conviction. I cannot wrap my head around how something as serious as a rape can get swept under the rug so often. It makes my blood boil and my heart breaks for the victims.
I'm so sorry she went through this and I'm even more sorry that even at her young age, she's aware reporting will be more hassle than it's worth. Definitely don't break her trust, just be there for her. I'm so so sorry.

I would call a rape crisis charity who can talk you through your options as there are professionals she can work with a long side the police or to help her make a final decision.

Reporting to the school is very different from reporting to police. I think the school need to know and personally I would accept her wish not to report to police, but continue to work with her to empower supportively her to report to the school.

Are you a woman?
And do you live in the UK?

I genuinely don't understand how an adult woman in the UK could be unaware that reporting rates are woefully low (and be fully aware of the reasons why), and that the conviction rate is miniscule. This isn't new; the issue has been reported on and debated, again and again, since the 1970s.

Also, unless you are a hermit living in a cave, I can guarantee that you do know some rape victims.

I too am old and cynical and agree with @Octavia64. I would also try and organise some counselling for your DD, Op.

Plus just a reminder in case needed. No woman is responsible for a man's decision to rape. Ever.

This is hopelessly naive. The only way you prevent rape happening, is by stopping the rapist. But very, very few reports result in a conviction.

OP please be guided by your DD, she needs to trust you. It's not her responsibility to protect others to her own detriment. If you can gently persuade her to have it logged for future reference then that might be an idea as long as she can be reassured she wont have to go through any further trauma. How is she coping with seeing this boy? She can seek therapy, she doesn't have to name him.

All those people saying, "Report it to protect others!" - Is that honestly how you think it works?

The vast majority of reported rapists do not end up even being charged, let along getting as far as court and a conviction. Look at the stats I posted above - reporting is very unlikely to result in protecting other potential victims.

Which means that the main driver should be how the OP's DD feels about it. The Pollyannas who think that reporting is going to magically protect others don't seem to have any idea about how these sorts of cases actually work in practice, and the impact they have on the victim.

It’s not on the victim to protect others. It’s on the perpetrator. It’s not fair to guilt trip the victim into this, they’ve got enough to cope with with their own situation.

In terms of reporting to the school I think this is about protecting DD not other kids. If it’s reported, steps can be taken to either remove him from the school, (unlikely without police report I’d have thought) or at least separate him from her, and keep an eye on her.

When you’re 15 you can think you have to deal with stuff on your own and it’s too shaming to tell anyone or ask for support. Dealing with this alone at school will be very tough. Some kind of adult contact at the school whom DD can go and talk to if things get tough, would be desirable.

Double-check that. Right now, I think she would benefit from counselling.

The school can help to safeguard her from this boy if they know, but they cannot if they don't know.

This is spot on. Many forget that rape is about power, much more than it is about sex. Your daughter has had her autonomy violated, and you should not worsen that sense of helplessness by ignoring how she wants to handle it.

All that said, she may change her mind about reporting, and it would help to have it officially documented somewhere. A SARC is a great place to go where they can record the details, check for any injuries, do sexual health testing etc but won’t report unless she wants to. I would encourage that.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist - I’m so sorry for what you have been through. It’s extraordinary that you are using your experience on here to help others. I hope you are as re obeyed as possible.

OP - I’m so sorry your daughter (and you) are going through this. I hope she is able to recover in good time. Best of luck to her.

I was sexually assaulted at a much younger age I was 6. At the time it was all hushed up, of course I didn't know about police etc then. But now as a grown woman I feel angry that this man wasn't prosecuted.

Therefore if your DD is able to consider just perhaps providing the police the details means if this person does re-offend there is info on file.

Wishing your DD well, I really hope the gets the support she needs.

I have always said I would not be able to report if this happened to me. Too many times we've seen how rape is not proveable or punished. I wouldn't put myself through it and so I wouldn't ask my daughter to put herself through it if this was her wish. If you can report, with her consent, without doing more, I would do that. Horrific that he is in her school.

I am so sorry for you and your daughter OP, its a really difficult situation.
I have always told my DC that I will respect their confidence unless there is a serious safeguarding issue and they do seem to tell me everything so my instinct would be to report this
BUT rape is different in that its a real loss of agency and control for the victim and unfortunately I think you have to respect her wishes here
I wish you and your family the best while you try and navigate this

@Soitis83 also absolutely horrified by these replies whilst simultaneously understanding that they represent the reality. As the mother of only boys it feels so hopeless, I know not all men but only men.
so sorry for your daughter and you OP and so sad that the law doesn’t support you both

I was sexually assaulted years ago but just knowing that I could report it if I wanted too and I would be taken seriously has given me some of my power back . I've let the perpetrator know too . So he never knows when that knock on the door will be. I hope he has sleepless nights worrying about it .

Rape crisis counselling for sure.
It happened to a family member who did call the Police, nothing was done and the Police made out she was to blame it was her own fault (back in the late 80's), she knew him as a friends husband.
She had no-one to take to about it and so It has had lifelong repercussions for her and led to other problems, she is still dealing with.

Get her to talk to professionals about it even if she doesn't want to report it to the Police.

I was raped at 17 at a house party by a male friend. I didn’t report it. I don’t regret it infact I’m glad I didn’t. Reporting can be argued as the moral thing to do but I refuse to take accountability for someone else’s actions. By not reporting it your daughter isn’t letting anyone down, the justice system is letting people down and indeed letting your daughter down as I’m sure even at her young age your daughter knows that rape is the single crime least likely to get a conviction for.

for what it’s worth it hasn’t destroyed my life, I’m married with 2 children and a career I love. I’m happy, my husband knows and I’m able to talk about it with him if I want to. I don’t think about it very often and certainly don’t hold the “victim” status, I worry that would have become who I was if I had reported. The people who are able to report are very strong and that may be what is right for them but it isn’t for everyone.

if you go behind her back you will be taking her choice away again. I would have never forgiven my mother if she had went behind my back. All you can do is support her, make her aware you will support her choice no matter what that is, offer to listen, get counselling if that is what she wants.

Were you at school with him? If you were 17 probably only for a year longer.

Whereas DD will be at school with this boy for a much longer period. This could be seriously distressing for her in the long term. It would be a shame if she ended up moving school over it. That’s why I think school should know - she’s just too young to have to handle this alone. It could end up breaking her.

Wow! It’s absolutely not her responsibility.

Having been in this situation with my own daughter, I would 100% listen to her and respect her wishes.

My daughter was raped by her (now ex) boyfriend when she was 17. She confided in a friend at college, who told a member of staff - it was then reported to the police and social services (as per their safeguarding protocol) totally against my daughter’s wishes.

She (eventually) understood that college had to do what they did, but she is still angry and upset that they had done it without talking to her first. She felt like her control had been taken from her again.

Her ex boyfriend admitted it, but she was adamant she didn’t want to press charges.

The police were great actually, listened to her, gave her lots of information and phone numbers, and explained the door was left open if she wanted to change her mind and press charges in the future.

Listen to her, don’t guilt her, see if there’s some counselling or therapists that specialist in this, and just let her take it at her own pace.

Certainly do not push her into something she doesn’t want to do

And, to be honest, we’ve all seen how women who report rape are treated. I’m not sure I, as an adult, would report it either.

I was at school with him and also in the same friendship group so seen him often for many years after. It’s awful what has happened to OPs DD but she has clearly stated her wishes, going against them could break her further. We need to trust women to make decisions for themselves. She’s not handling it alone, she has a lovely supportive mother who presumably has given her all the options and what those options look like and she has made her decision.

I know this is probably very controversial but being ostracised by my friend group while people in the town gossiped about how drunk I was that night, or how I had been dancing with a boy, that “male friend” would never do that, that I just wanted attention, would have been worse to me than the rape itself. And that’s before we even get into what a trial would have looked like. We all know this is what happens, most of us have seen it happen.

i have so much admiration for people who report and sometimes that process is healing for the person but often it’s just as traumatic as the assault.