Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

He’s showing you who he is

he doesn’t deserve you

move on (though it’s so hard when you have a home and a wedding booked)

Well done you for facing up to this and questioning it. It takes a lot of courage and you absolutely need to listen to your gut. You deserve so much better.

My friend cancelled her wedding a few months beforehand for similar reasons. It took a lot of strength. But its the best things she ever did. And has since met someone else and has a family. So many people have said to her since they wish they'd had the courage to not go through with their weddings. As they knew it wasn't right, but didn't face up to it. Ended up in unhappy marriages and ultimately divorced.

Be brave. This is not the man to have kids with.

Far far better to call it off now. He doesn't sound as though you are important to him, he's not making you feel loved and cherished and you are already questioning things.

My father asked me at the top of the aisle if I was 100% sure. He said that it wouldn't matter about any of the expense or anything if I felt I was making a mistake, the most important thing was to be sure and to feel happy walking towards DH. (My DH was outraged that he did this, but I'm so glad he did. If I had had doubts, I knew I could say no, even with 150 people in the church!) You have time to avoid this situation and walk away, however difficult it may seem now, it will be a lot harder further down the line, possibly with children involved.

If you feel like this now it will only be worse after th wedding.
you should both be in a loved up haze right now.

nah, he’s not the one to marry

If you are unhappy now you will be even more unhappy this time next year. 30 is not too late at all, it is much better to give yourself a chance for happiness and a family now, rather than years of tears and misery and maybe ending up single anyway in another 5/10/20 years.
Explain to a few of your closest supporters (family members or friends) what's happening and why you are breaking up. Make arrangements if you need to move, pack his stuff etc. Then just tell him, cancel the wedding and tell the guests the bare minimum.... like you regret to say that the wedding is not going ahead and you hope they will appreciate your need for privacy and space at this difficult time. There was a thread on here last week or the week before from a girl that was working out how to go about cancelling her wedding. She got lots of very good advice. I will try to look for the link.

Don't walk, run.

It'll be easier to leave him now than at any point in the future.

Most of your friends and family would admire you for having the strength to call this off.
Some people will treat it as gossip.
Everyone will have forgotten and moved onto the next drama by summer.

Unless you’re 100% certain you would like to spend the rest of your life with this man, run. Very fast.

Many years ago ,i wished I had never got married . I was young ,scared to say beforehand and woke up the next day thinking ' what have I done '.
It lasted a miserable 7 years before I plucked up the courage to leave , and became a much happier and assertive person in myself .
Please, be brave and think of yourself , is this the relationship you want ?

This is the thréad i was thinking of
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5158241-cancel-a-wedding?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

OP my friend's fiancee called off their wedding a few years ago, just weeks before they was due to get married. My friend had family and friends all over the world who had already bought plane tickets, booked hotels etc for the wedding (myself included). It was a terrible time for my friend, and, I assume, for his (now ex-) fiancee.
But fast forward 8 years and they're both happily married to other people. It was 100% the right decision for her to call it off, although it was excruciating for them both at the time.
FWIW, the only opinion I had of her for calling it off was that she was very brave. I can only imagine what a difficult, painful decision it was for her.
I wish you the best with your decision.

If he is like this now, he will be like this after the wedding and it will only get worse as time goes on or if you have children with him. Do not marry him expecting him to change, this is him, take him as he is or call it off. If people judge you it says more about them than you. They don’t know the inside of your relationship. Good luck.

Not one person is going to tell you to marry him, DO NOT DO IT!

I married someone like this. We are now divorced. I should have trusted my got the very first time he was pissed and disrespected me.
I was terrified of starting again, of being unable to meet anyone else who made me laugh like him (he was so socially engaging and everyone loved him), and if I knew how my life would pan out without him, I'd have been whistling all the way to being 50! I've changed careers, remarried, we run our own business and I have the most wonderful DSd. We separated as can't live well together but are still the best of friends. I still get men showing interest in me - I'm no oil painting but I think I look for OK for my age. However-I don't WANT another man. Personally, and it's not for everyone, I've never been happier. Just me, my adult kids, dogs cats and chickens.

Don't waste your life on this man-police are a nightmare - I know, I used to work in a large police headquarters 😞

Don't worry about the sunk costs - cancel. His priorities Will. Not. Change. If you have kids with this man his work and golf will always come first. He won't change his life at all and you'll be left resentful having had to change yours completely to enable him to do whatever he feels like.

It'll feel awful for a while, but a few years down the line, you will be gad.

You're not even 30 yet!! You're most definitely in a good place to 'start again'. Esoecially these days when people are starting families much older than they used to.

However, I found my 30th very very hard, much more so than my 40th or 50th, because I wasn't where I wanted to be in my life. I (genuinely) felt old.

looking back that seems SO daft, 30 is young. I'd give my right arm to be 30 again.

I wish I'd ditch my bloke (who I thought was my forever bloke) then & not 5 years later.

do you really want to spend the next 50 years with someone who doesn't treat you like their priority, like you are the best thing that's ever happened to them??

it's a long time & 8 years pales in comparison.

I can't be a good example, but let me be a lesson in making the wrong choice!!

This is as good as it is going to get OP, run and don’t look back x

If this is how you are feeling then 100% call it off.

I called my wedding off, 3 months before aged 30. It was the best thing I ever did and no regrets at all. We had been together 7 years and I just knew things were not going to get better over a lifetime. I’m now 34 and with someone new, my life is amazing. Honestly never regretted it.

I felt better the very next day after calling it off, horrible conversation to have though. Cancelling the wedding cost money, but cheaper than a divorce and much easier to do before we had children.

@Unhappyinlove - I’ve known a few people who’ve cancelled weddings. I’ve known a couple of people who have had huge weddings and then divorced within a year. As far as I’m aware, no-one judged them. Certainly I just assumed they had good reasons for what they did. In a couple of cases, they were people - like you - who had got together with their partner in their early 20s and married at late 20s/30, when in fact they should have split up before the wedding.

And if your family and friends will support you, then why would you care what other people think?

And even if some people did judge you - that would be temporary. The pain of marrying the wrong man and having to undo that would be much worse.

Your relationship has run its course. Time to end it and move on.

Nobody will judge you for leaving a relationship with this absolute shithouse.

In fact, I'd put good money on your friends and family already knowing he's a prick but don't want to say, and will do dances of joy when you finally walk away.

30 is young. You could live 7, 8 more decades. Make a positive choice now that will make the entire rest of your life happier.

Being a police officer can be emotionally draining, and in order to cope with the daily aspect of policing, most need an outlet. Is golf, your partner's way of decompressing? Having an occasional drink is fine, but if he's drinking a lot, then it sounds as if he's using alcohol to cope. A friend of my husband is a police officer, and his coping mechanisms are the gym and listening to heavy rock music to decompress. Does he discuss his work with you, even on a superficial level? I suspect there are times his day is hard, instead of talking to you, he instead drinks and is moody. Unfortunately, none of this is going to change by getting married. It's far better to cancel now, than marry and then realise you've made a huge mistake. Even worse, if then children come along, you really will feel stuck.

I have three friends / acquaintances who called off a wedding - one only a week beforehand. All three feel it was 100% the right decision, and look back on it as a moment where they became able to advocate for themselves. It felt horrendous at the time, but nobody thought worse of them for it, and most people thought it was a really smart and brave thing to do.

You’re not compatible.
You would suit someone who works 9-5pm.

Please don’t marry this awful man.