Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

Don't forget it. Cancel it now. From someone who has just divorced a police officer.

Yes, cancel, OP. It will be painful at first, but so worth it, then the relief will come through. He's married to his job and doesn't have space for you, let alone children.
Thirty is very young, you will have time to recover and have a family, if that is what you want.

If he loves the job it will come first until the time it's drained the life out of him and he realises that he's missed out on what really matters. I'm assuming he's a response cop? It really isn't a good fit with family life, and unless you're in the job you can't understand what it's like. (I say this with experience!) It is like a family because you've got to have each others backs in what could be a life or death situation.

I wouldn't marry him, he's not going to miraculously put you first after the wedding.

I wouldn't judge anyone for cancelling their wedding and would infact find them brave for having the courage too rather than going through with something that wasn't right. Forget about that. Is this how you want your relationship to be as it won't get any easier for you if you throw kids in to the mix. Have you asked him how he'd feel about cancelling the wedding?

Do not marry him. You know it would be a mistake and it will only get worse. Better a few months of stress than a lifetime of it.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You've told him how hurt you are by his actions and he hasn't responded in anyway positively to that, he's actually doubled down by continuing those actions and being verbally abusive towards you. A wedding ceremony won't change his behaviour. This is who he is and you need to decide if you want to marry the man he is today, not the man he was previously or the man he "might" be in the future

I think if you marry him it should be on the assumption that things will never change. This is who he is and how your relationship will be forever. I'd also assume he won't change if you have a baby.

So based on the information you've given us, it doesn't sound likely to be a good marriage or make you happy.

I had a broken engagement. We indefinitely postponed it then cancelled it completely a few months after our wedding should have been. Breaking up with my fi was the worst thing I've ever had to do. But it was sure easier than divorce.

I can say that when I called it off a) everyone was supportive and kind, b) loads of people actually said they didn't think he treated me well and never liked him anyway, and c) I realised that loads of people I knew had broken engagements in their past that I never knew about! It's surprisingly common.

Most people in my life now don't even know I was ever engaged. It does get better.

I have 2 friends who went through similar.

Friend #1 went through with it. He didn't change. They divorced 12months after the wedding. She feels embarrassed she went through with it. Accepted gifts.

Friend #2 called it off. Had family pressure to go through with it but didn't. Had to face friends/family who couldn't understand it. It was the hardest thing she did but she has no regrets.

Friend 1 probably found it harder in the end.

Be strong. You know what you need to do. Marriage won't change him.

30 is so young! I started again at that age and am so glad I did! Run before you’ve got children with this man, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says, you know in your gut that he’s not going to be a kind husband. And like PPs have said, parenting with this man will be awful. Look after yourself and break free now ❤️

Mumsnet is the place to ask, because here you are urged to think of him not only as a partner but a parent of you future child.
A man whose priorities are drinking and a sport that keeps him out of the house a lot is not likely to make a good father.
A man who can't talk through problems with you but is blaming you for asking to talk is not an emotionally mature enough man to be an adequate parent.

• It shouldn't be this hard this early on in a relationship, especially when you don't have the extra strain of kids
• It won't get better, why would it?
• You've wasted a huge chunk of your 20s on someone who's not right for you
• Go enjoy your 30s, it really will turn around.

Best of luck, OP!

Don't.

If he's that bad, imagine what he will be like after a few years especially when kids come along.

You're still young and you have a whole life ahead of you.

You are having doubts for all the right reasons.
A ring on your finger won't change him
Cancel the wedding asap
Don't be embarrassed. It takes courage to cancel and you'll be glad you did

Don’t marry him OP

Whilst I can fully understand how you're feeling (been there) the utter relief you'll feel once you've cancelled it, will be worth it.

Once you've made the decision and made a plan regarding the house / where you'll move to, what other changes you'll make, you will feel better.

The people who care about you won't judge you. They will respect the fact you've walked away before the wedding /children.

I would begin making notes (password protected notes on your phone) regarding what you need to do first eg tell the vicar /church, reception, family, friends and a separate list of things you need to do in order to move out - rent somewhere, take legal advice re the house, cars etc.

Please do not feel that you have to get married. You do have options. It's massively scary but you're actually opening up a whole new life for yourself. Getting married is not going to give you the life that you want and deserve.

If you're asking the question, you already know the answer.

Good luck, you deserve better

Do not marry him - police officers are 3x more likely to be domestic abusers than any other occupation in the UK. What you are seeing is only the beginning of what his behaviour could become.

I was in a similar position to you OP although I never considered breaking off the wedding despite my doubts.
It was a short lived wedding. I think between the wedding and divorce is cost me around 60k and that was well over a decade ago. It was actually him who walked away from the marriage and he did me a huge favour. I remarried happily a few years later and it couldn’t be more different.

Listen to your gut, it’s telling you loud and clear. I think in a few years time you’ll be looking back with relief. Also IME people won’t think badly of you, they will just be worried that you are ok. The ones who matter anyway

@Unhappyinlove I’ve been where you are. Together for 5 years. Engaged. I finally left him at age 28. I was still single on my 30th birthday. Now at 35 I am married to the most wonderful man in the world and I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. I thank my lucky stars every day that I was brave enough to leave my ex. I was so so unhappy but scared to admit it and I’d convinced myself it was normal and that all relationships have problems (it is NOT normal and they don’t!). I was so terrified of being alone and embarrassed of admitting I’d wasted the last 5 years. It was so hard. But somehow I did it!

If it’s not right, it’s not right. You deserve happiness, respect and love. Real love. Go and find it. This man does NOT treat you right. He doesn’t love you. He loves himself, his mates, drinking. He’s a bad egg. You already know this. It’s why you’ve posted. You just need to be brave and you need to hear it from other people that there’s better out there. There is!

The wedding is just a party. Not worth ruining your life over being afraid to cancel a party. It really doesn’t matter. I sincerely hope you leave him and start your new life soon. I wish you all the luck in the world.

We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month.

You already know this relationship is over.

His behaviour never changes. This is who he is. He won't get better, but will get worse over time.

Golf and drinking take priority over me. YOU should be his priority.

His job is the most important thing in his life . YOU should be the most important thing in his life.

He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me.

This is not how a loving husband to be behaves.

He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

This is emotional abuse. If you marry him, this will ramp up until you spend your days walking on eggshells.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me.

If your family and friends will support you (and probably be highly delighted too) who cares what anyone else thinks?

I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

But how much more will your mental health suffer if you marry this arsehole and then spend the next few years regretting it? Will you cope well with that? Probably not.

He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now.

Why would you marry someone you don't like? This isn't a happy loving relationship. You need to end it. He's not the one for you.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

You have been given overwhelmingly virtually unanimous advice by countless posters on this thread. DON'T marry him!

You're not happy, so why on earth would you legally shackle yourself to someone who treats you like an inconvenience? You know the answer and the sooner you cancel, the better you'll feel.

A good friend walked out on her fiance 3 days before the wedding. I think her Dad was ready to send her back to him but her Mum and her brothers completely had her back and she always says that she should never have let it go that far. She'd been unhappy for months but got more and more panicked as time went on. She's now happily married with 2 children and she often says that thank god she listened to her gut instinct.

Listen to what your instincts are telling you. This man won't change and you can't believe his promises. Better to get out now before you have children and you're raising them alone while he goes out golfing and drinking. It would be a kindness to your future self and your future children not to burden them with that.

Don't throw your happiness away just to avoid the judgement of people who aren't that important.

Cancelling a wedding is a lot less hassle than getting a divorce.

Imagine if this is the very best time of your relationship - the glow of wanting to be together for the rest of your lives - the joy of of being so much in love.

If that's not how you're both feeling, then you'd be mad to go through with it.

Trust your intuition.

Being married to the wrong person is hell on earth.

How do you feel about it? Do you want to cancel your wedding? Go with that.

Thank you all. I think I need to be clear that he isn’t an alcoholic but his drinking has recently ramped up and his family members have also noticed it’s getting out of hand.

I know you are all right. I know I needed to hear it. What’s really hard is he is genuinely a good, decent man. Joining the police has made him lose so many of his good qualities and replaced them with bad ones.

I know you are right about what it will be like when we have children too.

Does anyone have any advice for how to end it when you still love them and care about them? The thought of not being together is so scary for me too. I can’t really explain how much I would hate the thought of him moving on without me.