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Original poster

Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

353 replies

Unhappyinlove · 29/11/2024 20:50

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 29/11/2024 22:39

He isn’t ready for marriage. If he was, you’d know for damn sure that you were his family and not his work colleagues.

I wonder if he’s also having doubts and behaving this way because he’s emotionally disengaging.

First of all, you need to speak to him about calling off the wedding. It doesn’t mean a break up. I knew somebody who called of her wedding because she felt they weren’t ready as a couple. They got married a few years later and are very happy with a baby now.

starstar84 · 29/11/2024 22:39

30 really isn’t too old, I promise you. You’ve been invested for so long and has little experience of better behaviour so of course you’re going to be fearful of cancelling the wedding. But I’d advise you to do so as it sounds like you will regret it, instantly, and already don’t want to do it. You have a choice here, don’t choose the sad path.

lineylines · 29/11/2024 22:42

My sister's policeman husband put his colleagues before her. He cheated on her with one of them eventually.

She was devastated.

Years later she's with a lovely guy who really appreciates her, she's so much happier.

She's missed her chance to have DC though as she was with the prick in her fertile years.

Yes it might feel embarrassing to ditch the wedding, but it's worse to waste your life with a prick.

I wouldn't judge you, anyway. I'd think good on you!

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 29/11/2024 22:43

I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

It's so much easier and cheaper to cancel a wedding than get divorced, not even considering the years you'll spend in an unhappy marriage with a man who doesn't prioritize his wife and children.

You know you need to postpone at the very least. Rip off the sticky plaster.

dottiehens · 29/11/2024 22:43

If only I would have just stopped my wedding happening. Thought about it but was mortified everyone have travelled to be there. Think of yourself first. It is still early to cancel and you can always say you are postponing with an excuse and then leave it like that. People who love you and care about want the best for you and would respect your decision.

CJsGoldfish · 29/11/2024 22:44

Getting married isn't going to change ANY of his behaviours. If anything, it will give him even more free reign.
You've been together since you were quite young so not sure this is love rather than fear of the unknown, fear of not being one of two and ultimately a co dependency situation,.

If you choose to go ahead with the marriage, this is probably only the tip of the iceberg as far as what your life will look like. Only you can make that choice wisely and resist any pressure (or bullying) to go ahead with the wedding if that is your choice. It is up to you and you know what you are getting in to if you go ahead

MotherJessAndKittens · 29/11/2024 22:45

Agree with all these comments. Being a police officer means the person sees and deals with awful unimaginable things and needs a lot of support from colleagues which can lead to breakdowns in communication with loved ones, anger, depression, anxiety and also affairs with other officers. If he is the way you describe before you marry then be warned - it will never improve, probably get worse. Think about yourself right now. It will always be your fault! (not), you will have caused him to do ....! (not) I have watched this happen with a relative!

September1013 · 29/11/2024 22:45

Don’t marry him.

I cancelled my wedding with 8 weeks to go after catching my fiance cheating on me. It felt like the end of the world at the time but in hindsight I am just so relieved I didn’t marry him. It was worth the financial loss and the embarrassment not to be tied to someone who wouldn’t have made me happy in the long run.

Honestly 30 is no age at all. Too many women settle for crap relationships because they’re afraid of missing out, have kids and end up being trapped regretting it for years and years.

88MincePies · 29/11/2024 22:45

People will judge you for being divorced a hell of a lot more than for cancelling a wedding. I divorced at 30. I got zero sympathy and even had some people "joke" that I should give the wedding gifts back.

Cut your losses now.

Catoo · 29/11/2024 22:46

Yes OP it sounds like you need to call it off. Or at the very least postpone. I do wonder if he’s playing up deliberately to get you to make the decision.

I have two friends who went out with partners in the police and they found it very difficult, always coming second best to the job and their colleagues. Neither worked out.

Get someone in your family who you are close to to help you cancel/postpone things and let people know.

Get legal advice about the financials.

Unfortunately, he will of course move on and men seem to do this very quickly and I totally get why the thought of this scares you. It really is a very sickening feeling. But what will they be getting? A selfish, dismissive and disrespectful heavy drinker.

You deserve better OP. You are still young and there’s time to meet someone else.
💐

sanityisamyth · 29/11/2024 22:48

My divorce was more expensive than the wedding was. Do not get married to someone if you have any doubts before you sign the register.

EdnaTheWitch · 29/11/2024 22:54

End this relationship tonight and KNOW FOR A FACT that in years to come you’ll refer to this as the time you dodged a bullet.

Powerofflower · 29/11/2024 22:54

I wouldn’t but maybe I’d postpone the wedding and work on the relationship. But if he’s not working on it and choosing golf etc then there is no point.

wonderingconcerned · 29/11/2024 22:54

Unhappyinlove · 29/11/2024 22:15

Thank you all. I think I need to be clear that he isn’t an alcoholic but his drinking has recently ramped up and his family members have also noticed it’s getting out of hand.

I know you are all right. I know I needed to hear it. What’s really hard is he is genuinely a good, decent man. Joining the police has made him lose so many of his good qualities and replaced them with bad ones.

I know you are right about what it will be like when we have children too.

Does anyone have any advice for how to end it when you still love them and care about them? The thought of not being together is so scary for me too. I can’t really explain how much I would hate the thought of him moving on without me.

Does anyone have any advice for how to end it when you still love them and care about them? The thought of not being together is so scary for me too. I can’t really explain how much I would hate the thought of him moving on without me.

Bite the bullet. Tell all of this to your family and friends. Get it said out loud and the rest will take care of itself.

You need to keep yourself busy and be clear in your stance that this was a chapter in your life that has come to a close. His behaviour is deteriorating and you are now not compatable on many fronts.

You will just have to suck it up that he is with someone else - that will be uncomfortable but go back to your stance that you know anyone would need more that this non existent relationship.

You are not his priority. His treatment of you is disgraceful.

As another PP hinted - he might well be invloved with someone already and/or wants out of your relationship but doesnt have the guts to call it.

This is the time for you to call on your loyal friends and family to support you through the next year day by day.

Well done to see the light and not subject your future babies to this life - they deserve better and so do you.

Pinkypup · 29/11/2024 22:55

Was he already an officer when you met?

fruitbrewhaha · 29/11/2024 22:57

If he’s like this know, what will it be like after you have children and you’ve not slept for weeks, or have work stresses, loose a job, or have illness? You should be in a good place looking forward to your wedding, not falling out. He sounds awful, you still have time to meet someone new. I didn’t meet my partner until I was 31.

DreamTheMoors · 29/11/2024 22:58

Read your post back to yourself but imagine a stranger having written it.

What would you tell Sandra from Wolverhampton to do if she were in this exact situation?

I’m pretty sure you know what you’d say.

Be brave.

thymetofocus · 29/11/2024 22:58

Coffeecoconut · 29/11/2024 20:53

I hope you’ll look back at this moment in years to come and thank your lucky stars you realised this before you tie yourself down with a child by this man. He sounds like he’d be an absent coparent.

Edited

I hope this too. Please don't get married. It's a shorter time starting again now than in more years with a divorce to go through. Please face your fears about leaving, they are

drspouse · 29/11/2024 22:58

I feel really sad that you are thinking of getting married to someone you aren't excited about being with. We celebrated 20 years together this year and I remember really looking forward to being married, 21 years ago!

Gowlett · 29/11/2024 23:00

My mum asks “did you know what he was like when you married him?”
And I’m forced to admit… “Yes. I did”

thymetofocus · 29/11/2024 23:01

Pressed post too early:

Fears of leaving now are easier than getting out of a marriage in years (or months) to come. Look at stories of women who left on the wedding day, you're not that close.

Windmill34 · 29/11/2024 23:01

If I was your mum and you told me this I would say
No don’t do it 100%

im 67 yrs old , divorced a cheating man because he put himself before me & dc aged 4
it was very hard, I still loved him but he felt his life was more important than mine & his sons

YourJadeCat · 29/11/2024 23:02

Its interesting you say how much he has changed since joining the police. A family member of mine was engaged to her boyfriend, they had been together years. He then joined the polics force and seemed to change almost overnight. He went from kind and caring to seeing everyone as some kind of criminal, distant and emotionless. They called off the wedding. She now has a lovely new fiance and is very happy.

From what you've said it sounds like le a super baf idea to marry him. I know its hard to hear but you will end up trapped especially if you have kids.

Delphiniumandlupins · 29/11/2024 23:03

I think many people grow and change a lot during their 20s and you have spent your 20s in this relationship. Assuming your fiance is a similar age, I don't think he is going to change his behaviour after marriage. He's not going to suddenly start prioritising you over his job and hobbies. He has no reason to cut down on his drinking.

If you are not looking forward to spending the rest of your life with him, 3 months before your wedding, then cancel now.

Peclet · 29/11/2024 23:03

This is what you say

“I have taken a lot of time and come to the decision to call off the wedding. I love you but this isn’t what I want and so we need to leave one another. This can be done without blame or pain, this is the end of our road. I can do the nitty gritty of cancelling stuff and we can be honest with everyone- it’s simply over for us”