Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

FGS - you don't marry a guy given the relationship you describe. Find someone who wants to spend a lifetime building a relationship with you and with you at the centre of his life.

You've got to be brave.

Marriages like this start with a heart and a diamond but end with a club and a spade.

If you have got to the stage of asking on MN then the answer is very definitely yes, you should cancel the wedding.
He won't get any better if he's behaving like this now. Do you want children? If you do, what sort of father do you think he will? If you think he will magically give up the drinking and golfing to spend time with you and the children then you are sadly mistaken.
Even if you don't want children, you will always take 2nd or 3rd place in your life and you'll be left running the home while he lives it up with his workmates.

It won't be easy to tell people but anyone who loves and cares for you will support your decision and understand and want you to be happy. And anyone else who is judgey or whatever can fuck off.

I have a broken engagement behind me too. We had a date for the wedding, had booked the church but hadn't booked a venue at that point. And then it all went tits up and I knew I couldn't marry him because he was drinking and visiting brothels.
The whole thing was awful and no, it wasn't fun telling people but everyone was very supportive. And I regularly thank my lucky stars that I didn't marry that asshole and end up having to divorce him and all that entails.

Sounds like the 'Sunk cost fallacy'

Better 8 years lost than 50!!!

30 is a great age to meet someone special xxx

PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT HE WILL PROMISE TO CHANGE and probably WILL “change” (temporarily!!) while he tries to make you change your mind…. Please don’t fall for it!!!

@Unhappyinlove

OP, you say in your post that the idea of him moving on makes you physically sick, I can understand this as you obviously still have feelings for him, but is it love? It sound more like co-dependency, especially as you have been with him for 8 years, you have invested time and money making a home together, but as he is not making any time for you, you need to make time for yourself and get out. Don't worry about the wedding invitations, your friends and family's reactions, This is your life, which is not making you happy. Please concentrate on your future.

It sounds like people will judge you more for going through with it. You know you need to break up. Sorry

We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month.

I didn't need to read any further than this - cancel the wedding.

Getting married won't fix a broken relationship.

Trust your gut! You're still only a pup so plenty of time to find a partner who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

It is quite possible that your partner actually doesn't want to get married and his worsening behaviour is to try and push you to be the one to break things off. Maybe so that he isn't the one to be blamed.

Most people change a lot in their 20s and starting again at "nearly 30" is ideal imo, particularly if the person he's changed into isn't even one you like. You have plenty of time to meet someone else who's better for you and more likely to be an involved parent to your future children. These 8 years, and the way you feel about him having changed, will set you up well to know what you're looking for and not settle for less, so it's not time wasted. That doesn't mean it won't be upsetting for you - for both of you tbf - but it sounds like the right thing. I think all you can do is be honest.

Police officers have a very high divorce rate because of the stress of the job, shift patterns, cancelled leave etc. If this is already affecting your relationship there is no way it is going to get better.
Much easier to cancel a wedding than a marriage.

If you can't bear to leave him just live together, and don't have children. But you'd be better off with a clean start.

Please don't just go through with it because you feel you have to in order to keep other people happy. They probably aren't the ones who would be there for you when it all goes pear shaped.

I work in the justice system, I manage a team which includes police officers, I work with senior police on a daily basis. The divorce rate is astronomical and lots of those marriages will have been happy before they got married.
You're not happy now, he won't change and it's very very difficult for the spouse of someone in that line of work, you will never fully understand what they go through, he is likely to experience some level of trauma bonding with colleagues. The camaraderie is strong. It's why lots of us are married to other people in the field.

Don't marry him. You have doubts. He has no respect for you.

Don't be scared of starting again. Better alone than with someone who treats you with so little respect.

While there are no kids, go.

You would be crazy to marry him. You are only 29 and you don't have children with him so there is no reason to tie yourself to him now that you know what he is like. Why would anyone want to marry him?

Why worry about what of the people think? They can live with him if they like!

Just say to people that he doesn't put you first and doesn't seem to want to spend time with you.

They will understand why you wouldn't want to marry anyone like that.

I'm 16 years in and separating from my PC dh. He definitely views his colleagues as family to the point he was meeting up in secret with his partner for midnight walks and rendezvous vous in car parks. I'm sure the fact his partner is female, 10 years younger and more 'fun' has nothing to do with it.

The man I married would never. He's become a lying, manipulative, verbally abusive disappointment. I do think there's trauma from the job but it's also a huge cultural thing in the police. His view of the world has become so arrogant and egotistical, he has no empathy and is incapable of being wrong. He takes pleasure in tormenting people, yes they might have committed crimes, but they're still people who are often vulnerable in one way or another and he forgets he is not there to judge.

The reason I shared this is because your op really striked a chord with the similarities between them; self importance, selfishness, lack of consideration and emotion. Honestly, just run.

Your true friends won’t judge you- they will support and help you.
Those who judge you, well you don’t have to have anything to do with them in the future so it won’t matter.
life is too short to have regrets

There was a MN thread earlier this year, 'Professions you would never date'. Every other post said police officer, and that thread was 28 pages long!

Listen to your instincts OP, and good luck.

Please please dont do it!
Im currently helping my friend divorce a similar sounding man (also in the police) but unfortunately for her she's 12 years down the line with 2 young kids. Her kids are wonderful but im sure if she could turn back the clock and not marry him she would in a heartbeat. Shes now 42 and he's ruined her best years

Definitely cancel.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. In 6 months, no one will remember anyway.

OP there's a reason the phrase 'join the force, get a divorce' is a running joke among police officers: it's not a job conducive to healthy marriages in a lot of ways, with a high rate of relationships ending. And you're not even married yet but things already aren't good - why tie yourself legally to him when he doesn't make you a priority and you're having the same arguments? At the very least, postpone your wedding until you're definitely, 100% sure.

Cancel it. You know it yourself, you've come on here for a sense check. But you really do know it.

It's not wasting 8 years. It's saving all the rest of the years in your life.

He will move on without you - but you need not be jealous of the very unlucky recipient of his partnership.

Be careful how you end things. Perhaps have someone outside waiting for you.

My mum had serious doubts about marrying my moody and nasty father. She was too embarrassed for all the preparations/arrangements/guests so she didn't cancel. Several children and decades later she got free. He still won't stop bothering her. Don't end up like that.

I know three women who have called off thier weddings and each time I have thought, 'Yes that was a sensible decision'. I have never judged them and I don't think anyone else they know has either.

You're asking us the question but I feel in your heart you know the answer . Its so much easier to cancel the wedding than it will be to get a divorce . Please , listen to your own heart , and be happy .

Many years ago I got married because I thought it would be just too difficult to cancel the wedding. It took me many many years to get rid of my ex. I wish I had listened to my instinct about things not being right. There are going to be stresses and strains leading up to a wedding, but it shouldn’t be like this.

you are already living together. And have a house together. I think you can cancel the wedding but effectively say to everyone you’ve decided to delay it for financial reasons or whatever other face-saving excuse you want.

honestly, who cares if people judge if that means you avoid a future of hell?!