Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

353 replies

Unhappyinlove · 29/11/2024 20:50

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
Hollietree · 12/12/2024 10:55

This stranger on the internet is so proud of you! 👏🏽

There is a high chance that he will come back soon promising you the world - he can change, he can be the man you want him to be etc etc. But don’t fall for it - he could have been all of those things the last couple of years, but he made the deliberate choice not to be. He might be able to fake change for a few months but you know he would slip back to being unsupportive, golfing, boozing and prioritising his social life as soon as he thought he had you suckered back in.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/12/2024 12:16

bluebeck · 12/12/2024 06:20

I’m sure you did the right thing, even if it was painful.

As PP indicated, you aren’t in love with the man he is now. You chose to leave that man. The man you are missing is partly the man he used to be, and partly the man you thought he could be. Neither of those exists.

Better days are coming for you I promise.

If you were my daughter, that is what I would have said to you. It is very sad for both of you as I'm sure you both had high hopes, and it must have taken a lot of courage to make your decision. But I think that you have both been going down a different route, hard to reverse, route , for some time. and there is no point following that route if you know its the wrong one.
And at the end of the day, you have to make your own best choices for your future. Hard as it must feel at the moment, I think you have avoided a much bigger burden of pain in the future.
If it helps to think of it this way, you have also set him free to continue with his career and all it demands, instead of having to be the person always trying to pull him back to his family.
It sounds like you have very supportive family and friends, which is a blessing.

AnonAnonmystery · 12/12/2024 12:46

Good luck and stay strong, block him on everything for now and try get through this x

JFDIYOLO · 12/12/2024 19:22

Oh well done, OP! Well Done!!! 👍

ChristmasFox · 12/12/2024 19:27

Unhappyinlove · 11/12/2024 23:16

No I didn’t, sorry I’m new to this website and I’m sorry I didn’t update sooner. I’ve been going through a lot. I left him four days ago.

Show quote history

You don’t need to apologise for anything. If you hadn’t wanted to update at all, that would be OK, it’s your life, not a thread on the Internet. Wishing you all the best for the future, I think you’ve made the right decision even though it’s hard, it feels like you know it’s the right one.

justfindingmyway · 12/12/2024 19:32

Please do reach out if you need a friend; I am 34, and was due to be married in October this year to who I now realise, is an abusive man. It has been hard, I can't lie, but I believe future me will thank me! I hope you have support around you. If I can help or be a sounding board, I will be only too happy to listen.

Original poster
Unhappyinlove · 12/12/2024 20:49

Thank you all so much. I’m struggling right now, but I’m not feeling any regret. I called all the vendors and the venue today and cancelled absolutely everything. I’ve also told every guest. It’s a huge relief to finalise that the wedding is cancelled x

OP posts:
Catoo · 12/12/2024 20:56

Unhappyinlove · 12/12/2024 20:49

Thank you all so much. I’m struggling right now, but I’m not feeling any regret. I called all the vendors and the venue today and cancelled absolutely everything. I’ve also told every guest. It’s a huge relief to finalise that the wedding is cancelled x

Absolutely well done OP.
A difficult decision but the right one for you.

💐

Americano75 · 12/12/2024 21:17

Well done love, you've just dodged a massive bullet and you should be so proud of yourself.

missod · 12/12/2024 21:29

I've just read your thread OP. I'm so relieved for you. x

mcmooberry · 12/12/2024 21:39

I promise that you have done the right thing however miserable you may be now. Maybe he wasn't all bad but as a long term partner or, worse, as the father of your children, he would have been a frustrating disaster. x

CheerfulBunny · 12/12/2024 21:46

Amazing, you've achieved so much already. Keep going. You're a strong and brave woman - you've got this x

Thunderlegs · 12/12/2024 21:48

Unhappyinlove · 12/12/2024 20:49

Thank you all so much. I’m struggling right now, but I’m not feeling any regret. I called all the vendors and the venue today and cancelled absolutely everything. I’ve also told every guest. It’s a huge relief to finalise that the wedding is cancelled x

That's your confirmation you did the right thing to cancel. I'm so sorry it didn't work out, and think you are so brave for making the difficult choice.

AdoraBell · 12/12/2024 22:25

Well done OP I’m glad your Mum is supportive and you have good friends. Lean on them if you ever have doubts or if he tries to reel you back in.

Also, well done 👍 for telling the guests, that Helios to cement your decision to leave him.

justfindingmyway · 12/12/2024 23:30

Unhappyinlove · 12/12/2024 20:49

Thank you all so much. I’m struggling right now, but I’m not feeling any regret. I called all the vendors and the venue today and cancelled absolutely everything. I’ve also told every guest. It’s a huge relief to finalise that the wedding is cancelled x

Ohh lovely, I hope you are managing. It will feel differently in a few months. But please know if it didn’t feel right, you’ve made the right decision. It is hard, I understand where you are, please do surround yourself with support. You’ve made a brave decision, just for yourself. And you do have time. Life can be great again. You might need to ‘plod’ for a little while, one day at a time. If you can, focus on the now and try not to worry about the future, that will sort itself. You are so young, you really are. We’ve our whole lives to meet the right one, but for now this is your journey to recovery and you will thrive in the end xx

RomComPhooey · 12/12/2024 23:35

Unhappyinlove · 12/12/2024 20:49

Thank you all so much. I’m struggling right now, but I’m not feeling any regret. I called all the vendors and the venue today and cancelled absolutely everything. I’ve also told every guest. It’s a huge relief to finalise that the wedding is cancelled x

Well done on both counts, splitting and cancelling the wedding. You’ve done hardest part. Now the taking stock, healing and looking to your future can begin. You will find happiness in your future. Making yourself and your wellbeing your priority means you are unlikely to settle for bad treatment in future.

LAMPS1 · 13/12/2024 03:54

You are one very brave young woman.
It may not feel like it right now, but the experience of dealing with every aspect of this process is laying down a strength in you that can only benefit you going forward.
You are not only free from his arrogant, difficult and disappointing behaviour but from that of any other selfish person who doesn’t respect you in your future.
As for him, he won’t change. Others might fall for him but they will soon move on if they have anything about them.

You spent the best part of your twenties with him so it won’t be easy to untangle your emotional self fully but please know that you have done the right thing and try not to look back too much. You are still young and there is plenty of time now to explore your own needs and wants for your new future self. Don’t panic, take your time, have no regrets, you have a wonderful future in front of you.

Well done for speaking up, seeking help and accepting the support from your loving family and friends. All the very best for dealing with the property issue.

FelixtheAardvark · 13/12/2024 09:54

If he's in the police, the job will always come first. That and golf are a dreadful mix. If you were my DD I'd be telling you not to do this.

The fact that you need to ask the question, shows that this is not a 100% rock solid idea.

I have a friend who joined the police after a spell in the Royal Navy. His wife always says being a Navy wife was easier.

dramalessllama · 13/12/2024 10:23

Well done! This internet stranger (and retired police officer) is so proud of you!

Bringbackspring · 13/12/2024 10:56

Have just read this thread for the first time and I can't say how relieved I am at how it's turned out. Well done for making a really tough decision and sticking by it. It feels a world away from my parents generation whose options felt more limited, and judgement of single women was rife.

Also, don't worry about starting again at 30. Not that you need to be with someone to be happy, but I didn't meet my DH until I was 31 and didn't get married until 35. It's never too late to start over. I also know I'd be okay on my own if I needed to be. Try not to feel upset if your ex meets someone else, just focus on the relief that it's not you who has to put up with him!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 13/12/2024 11:30

Well done OP!!!

ChiliFiend · 13/12/2024 13:20

Good for you! Your future self will thank you for being strong enough to wait for someone who makes you happy. It is worth it.

Manypaws · 14/12/2024 16:37

It will get better, you should be so proud of yourself Flowers

Bearpawk · 14/12/2024 19:28

Oh op I'm so pleased to read your update.
But now you only have say 6 months of grief and strife to deal with, rather than the rest of your life being written off by remaining with this loser. I'm so glad you found your self worth. You will meet somebody who deserved you x

shuggles · 14/12/2024 19:37

@Unhappyinlove His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family.

If this is true, then it sounds like your husband is a young and naive man who is currently making a collosal mistake of conflating work colleagues with family. Family is family, work colleagues are work colleagues.

Swipe left for the next trending thread