Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

One person loving another is never enough. He is consistently, regularly showing you he doesn’t love you. End it

Wanted to add - don't worry about what people think.....

For that matter, if you're worried about what people think, how do you know they're not already thinking "he's not a great fiancé, he's always out" etc

You'll never know what people are thinking and it really doesn't matter because their thoughts aren't affecting your life.

Todays gossip is tomorrows chip paper any way - anyone that is gossiping/moaning/commenting behind your back etc will have moved on to something else before you've had chance to cancel all your bookings so leave them to it.

Why does policing change men so much. Does it affect female police officers too.

I've read so many threads on here over the years where it all went wrong.

I think you have to remember that Police Officers are dealing with horrific situations, all day, every day. It's not good for you. I did it for 5 years, and the stuff I saw was jaw dropping. Who wants to deal with child abuse, domestic abuse, murder, cot death, paedophiles, rape etc etc, every single week? It's awful, and very hard mentally. These people are brave, and I hate the way they are vilified or written off on MN.

Anyway Op, would postponing be less dramatic? You could tell people it's for financial reasons, if you feel that would save face. You need to sit your partner down, and really lay things on the line. Maybe things can be salvaged if you still love each other.

I don't think it's normal no. I was super excited and had zero doubts leading up to my wedding. In this weird love bubble where everything is untouchable.

Listen to your gut and find someone else who will make you happy x

Both my sons and fiancée's were giddy with excitement too. No doubts at all.

Get out get out get out. Police officers make dreadful husbands - the culture in some forces is so sexist, everyone sleeping with each other (sorry if you are married to a nice one but know too many iffy ones). He won't support you or help out when you have kids and you'll end up resenting him.

I wholeheartedly agree that police officers are (mostly) amazing and do an incredible job. Sadly, the mindset they need to do that kind of work often means they're not the best choice of partners. Not always, but often.

One of my best friends is a police officer. She is extremely no nonsense but she also has a very strong religious faith. I think that helps her.

This is so true. Both my DC are getting married next year. They and their partners are all living on clouds atm. Not a shadow of doubt anywhere. Just living in ecstasy. It's lovely to see.

Of course real life will catch up with them at some point but I hope that the memories of this joyous certainty will help sustain them through the inevitable difficult patches ahead.

You don't have that certainty - listen to your gut.

"Golf and drinking take priority over me."

I wish I could shout this really loud so consider this the equivalent:

CALL OFF THE WEDDING

Even if you don't break up with him straight away, do not marry him!

Also, make sure you are using very reliable contraception.

Assuming you want children (you did mention it), this man would be a terrible father and coparent.

I imagine it must be awful to think of breaking up when you've spent so many years with this man but please do it now and not many unhappy years down the line.

You're still young, you still have time to meet someone else if that's what you want.

Have you seen this, OP?
https://amp.theguardian.com/uk-news/2024/sep/18/male-police-officers-accused-of-domestic-abuse-have-been-promoted-report-says

Police culture sounds completely toxic and he seems to have embraced it wholeheartedly.

The ego gets to their heads.

I work in emergency services and know many a Garda (Irish copper) and the ego they feckin have is through the roof.

Wouldnt touch off one if I was single

Yes you absolutely should cancel your wedding, we don't need to know him or you to say that with total conviction. If you think it's bad now, it will be a million times worse with a baby.

This doesn't sound like cold feet it sounds like serious alarm bells going off.

If his priority now is drinking and going out with friends all the time then getting married won't change that, in fact it's likely to get worse.

I understand that it's hard to start over but it's even harder when you've got children and instead of walking away relatively unscathed you've got to go through a divorce.

What other people think doesn't matter, this is your life and you're the one who has to live it.

Put it this way.. Do you really want to be feeling like this AFTER you're married. Divorce is expensive.

I really don’t want to put people in boxes but police officers spend so much time with colleagues the cheating rate is high.

Sounds like you will be left at home
looking after kids while he does as he pleases . then you AND your kids be walking on egg shells

Sounds like he already doesn’t treat you great.
You know the answer @Unhappyinlove the sooner you cancel everything the better .
Go up your Parker for support . Once you are there and supported then tell him .You can say the house has to be put on the market after nee year.
Best to cancel the wedding sooner rather than any later. He’s not the one for you or any future children .

Future you will thank you for dumping him.

Also, I ended a 10 year relationship at age 37.

I'm married with a beautiful daughter. Starting again was 100% better than continuing with a doomed relationship

Don’t marry him. People don’t change - not when you've already explained the problem and they’ve done nothing about it, anyway.

Thank goodness you don’t have any children yet. Imagine yourself worn out with trying to care for a couple of young children while he's out with his mates or playing golf - I bet that’s not the family life you dreamed of.

I understand how scary it must seem to have to start again, but better now than in five years' time. Honestly, you’re still young.

A lot of marriages to people in the police force hit the rocks. If you are already having doubts it would be madness to go ahead. It will be more of the same in the years to come. If you don't want that then call the wedding off.

This.

You are so low on his list of priorities. That won't improve with marriage.

Imagine your life with him if you had kids. It will 100% be worse. You'll be solely responsible for kids while he works, drinks and plays golf. Fuck that.

People may judge but decent people
will respect it. I do- put yourself first, cancel it.

I don't think people will judge you for cancelling a wedding three months ahead of time. They are likely to think 'WTAF?' if you file for divorce three months later.

Go before you have children. If you want a family one day, leave now and give yourself time to move on and have a family with the right person. My dad was a policeman. I see him as two different people - the policeman version (bad childhood memories) and the retired policeman - good memories and good relationship now. It’s the job that does it; it’s one of the hardest for little to no reward. They see colleagues as family because they don’t have normal family lives and can only share the burden of the job with each other.
you feel so anxious about the break up because you have been together a long time. And trust me, at nearly 30 you are definitely not too old to be starting again!!! If you feel the same way in 2,5,10 years time you will wish you’d left now while in your 20s.