Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

Seriously, OP this!!

He has shown you exactly what you DO want from a relationship. You deserve better than this. The people who know you and love you will understand. The opinions of others don’t matter.
Do you own property together?

I think you know what you need to do.

Part of you will be rationalising and analysing. Wondering about practicalities. Wondering about pros and cons.
Part of you will be feeling scared, or hopeful, or romantic. Emotions will be at the helm. Fear. Shame. Loss. Love.

You need to cut through both of those parts of you and find the wisest and most adult part of you. Listen to that. She’s in there. Find her and give her a voice. It’s the part of that just ‘knows’ something.

This thread is the very best of Mumsnet. Good clear advice from people with experience and empathy

OP, listen to the advice given here - it will literally save your life. You've got a tough few months ahead of you but you will be so much happier once your past them

Good luck

"I am terrified by what people will say" Who cares? Please do NOT get married to this man! Besides, he is ONLY going to get worst!

Before you don’t get married, what’s the financial situation with the house? Are you on the deeds/ mortgage and under what terms? I would probably talk to a solicitor and figure out in confidence whether you’d be better off financially marrying him and divorcing, rather than not marrying. I would however cancel any big wedding plans and claim you just want something very small if it does turn out you’re financially better off to marry him and divorce.

You say you're frightened of 'starting again' at 30. Most people I know (under the age of 40s) hadn't met their 'forever' partner when they were 30. 30 is so young, and plenty of time to meet 'the one'.

Besides, even if 30 was 'old', better to be single than in a bad marriage, whatever your age. If you're tied to the wrong person, it's a miserable life. If you have children, you're even more tied to them, and they have forever to make you miserable (or the alternative, divorce, is MUCH more stressful than cancelling a wedding).

I know it feels hard, and it's a big decision on the face of it, but really - this is him at his best. You're still in the honeymoon phase and he's showing you that his priorities are work, drink, golf and his mates. EVen though he knows that hurts you. He won't get better. He will likely get worse. Imagine having children with him - you doing all the parenting and caring while he acts like a teenager with his mates. Your relationship is very unlikely to succeed, very unlikely to be happy, and the longer you're in it - the more you invest (in time, emotion, energy, legally, financially, and especially if you have children) - the harder it is to get out of it.

You're 30 and contemplating 'starting again'. Imagine being 40 or 50, and 'starting again' after wasting another 10 or 20 years on him.

If my child came to me and said what you said, I would help them to cancel the wedding and I would be so pleased they hadn't made such a huge mistake, and that they had the guts to take that decision. I would be pleased they n=knew their value, and hopeful for their future happiness.

I was in your position, I knew I should’ve left years before I did. I left at 30, it was the hardest decision I ever made and the BEST decision I ever made. Please don’t marry him. There is so much more to life than a man who treats you badly. I grew so much when I was single and had a great time, then met the love of my life and we now have a family. You are so young! Please leave!

Don’t ask yourself “what will my family say” or “will I meet someone else afterwards”. Instead ask yourself “do I deserve better than how he treats me”. If the answer is yes then leave him.

If you stay with a man who doesn’t treat you well, you’ll become a shadow of your former self that’ll take years to rebuild. No man is worth that.

I have met a number of women married to police officers.. I am not saying they are all like this ....... but I have heard so many horror stories like this. There is a good reason that the divorce rate in the force is so high - family always seem to come second.

As said in previous comments, I think you already know the answer.
Maybe it is worth asking him how he feels and whether the stress of the wedding is causing him to act this way?!? Maybe he is having doubts too and you could decide together to postpone/cancel?

I was with someone who I could have ended up married to (he didn’t propose!! but we lived together and I almost resigned myself to that being it) but he treated me very similarly to the way your partner does. Anyway, we broke up when I was around 30 and it was the best thing that happened to me as I then went on to meet my soul mate and our wedding day was the happiest day of my life - until the birth of our beautiful daughter. Please, please don’t deny yourself the chance of a very happy life with someone who completely loves and respects you. I know so many friends who have ended up in the happiest relationships of their lives in their mid 30s. Cancelling a wedding would seem incredibly daunting but it sounds like you would have all the support you could need from family and friends and they will get you through this xx

You're almost 30, i.e. extremely young with plenty of childbearing years ahead of you, absolutely no more of which you should waste with this twat.

• he sulks
• he's obsessed with golf (google "golf widows" to see how that usually pans out)
• he doesn't prioritise time with you
• he's obsessed with work (whose career do you think is going to get sacrificed if you have a baby with this man? No prizes for guessing)
• he puts drinking before you

Be brave and pull the plug. This relationship is heading that way anyway. Do you want to be starting again at 35 with 2 kids, or do you want to cut your losses and get it done now?

When I was 28 I was due to marry a golf loving, beer guzzling "lout". The wedding was mere months away and despite numerous chats about spending more time together it never happened. He golfed and drank ( a LOT) Thursday till Sunday. Everything revolved around golf and alcohol to the point where I attended a lot of important family events myself and if he did come with me it was grudgingly or only if they involved alcohol. We were together 6 years and I always though it would change. I remember one day being in the kitchen making a dinner that I knew he wouldn't be home for and thought if we had children I'd be doing it alone. That's what sealed it for me. I called the wedding off on a Wednesday evening and by the Saturday had moved out. I know where finances and mortgages etc are involved it isn't this simple and it was a long road but it was the best decision I ever made. It wasn't a decision made in haste. It was a decision based on having proof time and time again he didn't want to change his lifestyle. He wanted someone that was accepting of very limited time together and that just wasn't me. I can say 5 years on I'm happily married (to someone else) and we have a 1 year old. I spent a few years single beforehand and just figuring out what I liked and what mattered to me before i thought about meeting anyone else. I hope this helps and that however your situation works out that you look back and know you did the right thing. Life isn't easy.

Brilliant advice 🙏

I'm a cop. My oh isn't. I'd never marry one.
I've seen countless officers, usually uniform offiders, early on in their careers end up divorcing. Sorry but divorce in the police is rife. Join the force, get divorced is a well known saying. If you're having doubts now, don't get married. Spend some more time thinking about it. The job is really stressful. Throw in shift patterns too and it's hard to deal with and unless you know, it's hard to explain. That's why lots of cops marry cops. I joined much later on in life so I managed the balance.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me.

Anyone who judges you negatively is an arsehole, so you shouldn't care what they think. Personally I'd think you were brave and had balls.

Isn't there a saying that goes something like this "The people who mind, don't matter - and the people who matter, don't mind"

Cancel the wedding. You'll feel a lot of relief by doing that.
You asked how to break up with someone that you still care for - well you tell them that you still care for them but you no longer love them or are in love with them and the relationship has reached an impasse and you can't go on as you have been. If you're living together, you decide to move out and find a place to live (or move home if that's an option). It's going to be hard and tough but you're strong and you'll come out of this stronger and more sure of what you do want in a relationship and what you don't.

For what it's worth op, I read a long article post George Flloyd about the negative effects joining the police can have on a person. That isn't to say that it happens to everyone, but I'm not surprised that your partner has experienced a negative impact.

I hope you go on to find someone who has a positive, happy impact on your life.

As a pp has said, I'd admire you for canceling before marriage. It's a wise, brave move and better than divorce.

I don’t think OP is coming back …

I fear that the OP is going through with the wedding as she hasn’t returned to update otherwise.

OP I went through with a wedding I was unsure about because it was booked and I couldn't face the embarrassment. Thought if I just tried harder I could make it work. I couldn't. And actually as soon as we were married those warning signs turned into massive issues as he wasn't trying to get me to marry him anymore. I've got a child with him and he's an abusive areshole and is now in mine and child life forever essentially. And guess what all the people who were going to judge me still judged me anyway despite all that man put me through. The people who matter won't care. I just brought myself hell by not listening to my instincts.

Please come back and update us. I hope you are doing well if you have left x

Maybe she’ll be back in a few years looking for help to exit a nightmare situation…

Yes, I did leave him. I’m only four days in to the break up so that’s why I haven’t been online. I’ve moved back home with my parents, and I’m going to rebuild my life without him. I’ve asked friends to invite me to everything for a few months at least (more so than they do already — I am lucky to have great friends).

when I couldn’t decide what to do, I read these replies over and over again until I had the strength to leave.

since I left, I’ve struggled to eat or sleep. He’s been out drinking two nights in a row and the day before that he played golf. So I think I dodged a massive bullet.

thank you all. I am lucky to have an incredible mother, but hearing advice from so many mums really helped too.

No I didn’t, sorry I’m new to this website and I’m sorry I didn’t update sooner. I’ve been going through a lot. I left him four days ago.