Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

It's been nearly 2 weeks since @Unhappyinlove last replied. Have you made a decision yet?

You're very young. It might not feel like that right now, but you are. Don't marry him. You won't regret it.

Getting married won't change his priorities.

I think you know what to do, deep down. Good luck OP X

@Unhappyinlove i know that anxious feeling about starting again but all i know is you are seeing a lot of red flags which you should take note off. I didnt take note myself and though i didnt marry my partner, i had children. He never helped / just went out drinking or was just angry all the time - and we split before they even turned 2. Add to that, abusive and at the time, a terrible role model to the children. I was alone for years and its been hard. I wish id recognised the red flags and got out when it first started.

Why are you marrying this man? I think you know deep down that you should not marry him. I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is very difficult but please be strong. You deserve better.

Absolutely...any doubt don't do it.

I split with my ex fiancé a few months before wedding, moved back in with parents, thought my life was over.

Met now DH 2 years later and I am so glad things tuned out the way the did with ex, even though at the time it was brutal.

You've got this. You'll thank yourself in years to come.

Your DP sounds like bad news through and through. I bet rather than him "changing" recently, he's just reverted to his real self and isn't acting the nice guy any more.

I wish I'd listened to my gut instincts before marrying exDH. Listen to what yours are telling you.

Look up sunk cost fallacy in relation to the 8 years.

Your mental health may take a dip but theres so much aupport out there and you can build yourself up again - but stronger!

Anyone who truly cares about you will be pleased for you cancelling a wedding (marriage) that you're not 100% sure about. Heck, I was even please for my ex-colleagues daughter when decuded to do she did just that and I don't even know her!

If you manage to break things off: Beware of him blaming you (so what - it doesn't matter), beware him claiming that you have "mental health issues" (again, so what if you do or don't. You can break off a relationship regardless of how your mental health is). Also beware of emotional blackmail and him claiming he is depressed/stressed/suicidal due to you (his mental health is not tour responsibility). Beware of claims that he will change - this will just be him on his "best behaviour" and will revert back again enough

It sounds to me like you love him, but you are not "in love" with him anymore. When you have been with someone for 8 yrs, you get familiar with each other and its that familiarity that makes or breaks a relationship. The initial shine and love dovey phase has passed and what you have is the long term thing, for some that is great and for others not that good. You can work on it but it takes two to want to work it out and I have to say your description of the relationship does not sound good.

Lots of people have nerves pre wedding but if you have been together 8yrs, I don't think its that.

Being a Police Officer is a very demanding job and you need to be able to rely on your colleagues in very difficult circumstances and they do become something like a family. Its the same with all emergency services. You need to be prepared for that. Not everyone can cope with it.

I think you need to have a long talk with each other and decided whether to delay or cancel the wedding. He needs to understand how serious this is. You can't marry him without assessing whether this is your future or just a blip.

RUN.

Get out before it's too late and you're stuck in a contract with him.

Your fears are your brain and your gut telling you what your heart doesn't want to hear.

You have the RIGHT to choose.

What you're unhappy about now will only get worse.

And sadly ... Policemen can be very bad partners.

You're barely 30. That's nothing.

Just say you are postponing it.

Buy yourself time. Think about it, take your time and get some support.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

its harder to walk away than to stay

Everyone gets stressed about change - regardless of whether its positive or negative. This would obviously be a negative change for a while but you will never live at the miserable time as a wife.

You've been with this man since you were 22 and grown accustomed to his bad behaviour, accepted it and are now used to this life

There is a lot more happiness out there for you. The thought of him movie on making you physically sick - thats because you do love him but it doesn't mea you should be with him

Well before you leave him I would tell him first that you are seriously considering cancelling the wedding because of how your relationship is right now. Be completely honest, you have nothing to lose… either it’ll be a wake up call and he’ll realise you really are at the end of patience or it won’t improve and then you have your answer… talk to him.

I was in a very similar situation aged 30. Still loved the guy so much and had been together 8 years, but realised he wasn't treating me in the way I deserved, and I didn't want a life time of walking on eggshells and always being criticised. It was very hard, and in the few years that followed I definitely had moments of wondering whether I had done the right thing. However, 4 years later I met a wonderful man who is now my husband and father of my daughters. Our relationship feels so easy, and I never have that sense of uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that I had around my ex. It's so daunting to take the step to leave and upend your whole life, but marrying the wrong person would be far worse. Trust your instincts.

My grans advice when choosing a husband was this… when you decide to marry someone double his bad points and half his good points and if you still think you can love him like that then go ahead .
So think about that and make up your mind. Better before than after. paying for a wedding -and a divorce won’t be fun and neither will being in an unhappy marriage be good for your mental health. You know what you want to do really just get someone to hold your hand while you do it xx

Retired 30 year cop married for 30 years to another cop here. Of course his colleagues are his family. They are the people he relies on to keep him safe. It’s a very strong bond, hence the number of affairs. The bottom line is that if this man does not light up your world then do not marry him. If you have these doubts now then you must listen to them. The divorce rate in the cops is sky high. You have to be sure. He doesn’t sound like a keeper at all.

Please leave - you are so young and have your life ahead of you. Be brave. He won't change.

Cancel the wedding, be brave, be strong and end the relationship. It's not going to get any better. Everything can be sorted out, from the house to your future without him. You can still love someone without liking them very much, but that's no basis for a lifetime commitment.

This is not normal pre-wedding stress op, pre-wedding stress is stuff like having a minor tiff over which food to order or whether to do table favours. The relationship itself should be rock solid and full of excitement. I'm really sorry op but the fact you started this thread shows your gut is saying cancel and as hard as it is you should always listen to your gut. Alarm bells are ringing in your head for good reason.

Getting married isn't going to "fix" whats already broken its like these people who have children to "save" a relationship. The damage is done im not married i believe if I was to get married i would be 100% sure these doubts mean you are not and your not listening to your gut of your heart. You may love him but are you still in love with him? Or are you in love with the old him the guy you fell in love with and you want him back. Thats probably whats happening here. It sounds like he is not that guy anymore and the fact you two can't talk about it also gives alarm bells

Also op my dh is a paramedic so similar shifts to a police officer (but harder) and he always makes me and the kids top priority. He's never once gone out for an evening of drinking and never once played golf. I'm not trying to rub salt in your wound but just wanted to help you in case he tries to use his job to justify his actions. Emergency services husbands can still be good to their wives if they choose to, don't let him convince you he HAS to be the way he is due to stress or whatever. A good man makes time for you no matter what his job is.

Listen to me. In 1986 I was having the same thoughts you are now but I didn't listen to myself and got married. That one, albeit massive mistake has coloured my entire life. Twelve years of domestic abuse, alcohol, unemployment. Eight years of stalking and cooersive control when there were no laws to protect me or my children. Bankruptcy where I nearly lost my home. At the age of 15 my son started to behave in exactly the same way, I was terrified for the next 20 years. Said son then has child who at the age of three came to live with me because him and his deadbeat girlfriend prefer coke and booze. My whole adult life that could have been so different but for a single decision. He will not change but you will, soon you won't know yourself and one day you'll wake up and be 60 wondering where your life has gone. Take the step now and walk away. It's the single most important thing you will ever do.

Sound advice
Sorry OP, you are very fragile emotionally with a rollercoaster of emotions.
Take care

listen to your gut.

do not marry this man.
and definitely do not have a child with him.

You are not starting again, you are taking back your power. Don't give your precious life away on someone who isn't prioritising you. And the fact that he's a drinker would give me massive cause for concern. Set yourself free and have a wonderful life xx