Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

Well done OP, you’ve done the right thing. Best of luck xx

As hard as it might be, yes you should end it. You deserve more from the person you are supposed to be committing to for the rest of your lives. You are only even more entangled and things get more complicated once legally married and the fact you are questioning it says it all really in your heart of hearts. And regarding what other people say/think - that's their issue, not yours, they are not the one having to live day in and day out with the consequences of your decision only you are and anyone who genuinely cares for you should trust that you have your valid reasons for choosing not to go ahead and just support you.

Thanks for your up dates.
You were together a long time - and I'm sure you had high hopes. But it sounds as if he's changed a lot recently, so maybe the person you are missing isn't the him who exists now.
Treat yourself. Do things you want. Maybe get some counselling. But also be kind to yourself.
Try not to drink too much if you aren't eating. And maybe try to eat easily digestible food?

Thank you for updating OP. Looks like you dodged a massive bullet.

Coercive/gaslighting behaviour!! RED FLAG!!!! Get Rid!

You don't need to apologise OP. You don't owe MNers an update but it's always good to get one. Especially when it's a really positive one like yours.
Well done for leaving him.
You have done the right thing.
Stay strong and best wishes.

@Unhappyinlove it will get easier. But make sure to move things on with the house - he needs to buy you out or it goes in the market - he can’t just stay there.

It's a very brave decision to end your relationship. Well done. Although it's hard now, your future self will be so glad you did it.

I'm really glad you got out of that. I was worried about you getting married to him just because it was such a short time before the wedding. It sounds like you've got really good family and friends supporting you and soon that twat will be a distant memory!

OP you've done the right thing by calling the wedding off. Good luck for a very happy future 💐

You should be proud of yourself - well done. It'll get easier and you will be so glad you did it.

Well done you. It takes so much guts and you are in the thick of it right now but it will get easier. I'm glad you have supportive family and friends. Take care xx

I’m sure you did the right thing, even if it was painful.

As PP indicated, you aren’t in love with the man he is now. You chose to leave that man. The man you are missing is partly the man he used to be, and partly the man you thought he could be. Neither of those exists.

Better days are coming for you I promise.

You are awesome. Sorry you are going through this. I think you will look back on this and be glad you didn’t settle for less but it’s going to hurt for a while. I wish I’d listened to the nagging feeling I was making a mistake. Look after yourself. 💐

Well done for going through with it and good plan to get your friends to invite you to plenty of things - keeping busy definitely helps.

Well done @Unhappyinlove

Your future self will thank you. How he has reacted since you left is very telling and confirms that you have made the right decision.

It will take time but please go and have fun, have some time and space. Don't rush into a new relationship.

@Unhappyinlove Well done for having the strength and courage to do this. You have done the right thing. You should feel cherished and supported by a partner.

Stay strong, things will get better. You will be OK. Never settle for less. I learnt this the hard way.

Well done, OP. Definitely the right decision. I don't know you but I'm proud of you! You'll get through this and be stronger and happier for it.

Thank you for your update op. I am really glad you have left him, it’s for the best, and I am glad you have supportive friends and family. Onwards and upwards!

Well done!! Your future self will thank you. You’ve shown a lot of courage.

Brava @Unhappyinlove what a courageous thing to do.

I'm sure it hurts like hell at the moment I'm sure you will look back on this, breathe a big sigh of relief and think 'well done me'!

FWIW a friend of mine did similar with 2 months to go - a year later she met the most amazing man and has been happily married with three beautiful children ever since.

I hope other women in your situation will find this thread and be inspired. It's amazing you've chosen to be in control of your 'destiny' and not just allowed a bad thing to happen to you, to not just 'go with the flow' or 'how for the best'.

Painful as it is now, this will be a defining moment in your life. Being someone who is a NOT a doormat but someone who values herself and has power over her life in the areas she can have it (there is a lot which is out of our hands but so much also that we can choose to change). I'm so proud of you OP.

Each day it's going to get better and better. After winter, it's Spring and then Summer and when you look back, you will be so proud of yourself but for now I'm wishing you all the best to sail through this with ease. On the day of your wedding in Feb, go out and have fun and reread this thread. Block him off everything, forget his phone number. Some days you will question whether you did the right thing or not, trust me your brain likes to play with you like that (bastard brain) but just imagine the scenario of you being married with him tied with young children where you feel suffocated with no support and his gone off binge drinking and golfing again, not a care in the world and your 38 with 2/3 kids and harder for you to leave and start all over again. Always and always remember that you will regret having kids with a man like this and feel sorry for your children that you chose a man like this for them to have a absent father that checks out prioritising golf and drinking. No one ever changes. Don't rush into a new relationship, take your time as you still have many years ahead of you. Good luck op and honestly I applaud you for your courage. I hope this thread will help those who are in a similar position.

Well done @Unhappyinlove.

The way I look at the situation is if you were to advise your own daughter (in time) what to do, what would you advise her? I'd imagine it's very close if not exactly what you've done yourself. Remove yourself from the situation.
You are currently going through a form of grieving - for the loss of the life you had imagined, with the person you imagined spending that time with. Picture yourself under water at the moment struggling to even eat and breathe, however you will rise to the surface and breath again and swim again too!

You now know (by his actions) that you definitely made the right decision. He was not your life partner. He would have been a step on the ladder to you finding that person but he wasn't that person for you.

Sending you hugs and lots of strength to get through the coming days and weeks. Make sure you contact your vendors so that you can claim back whatever deposits/otherwise that you may be able to.

Well done OP. It’s such a courageous thing that you’ve done. You should be so proud of yourself. You’re an incredibly strong and inspirational woman. My heart aches to think of how you must be feeling as I remember that pain and fear and uncertainty. But life does go on! You will meet someone else and be so happy and settle down. And when that day comes you’ll be thanking your lucky stars you had the guts and strength to leave this bad relationship. Just hang in there! Better days are coming! Wishing you all the best xxx