Should I cancel my wedding that’s in 3 months?

[Unhappyinlove]

This is my first post. I just really need some help from people who don’t know me or my fiance.

We are due to get married in February 2025 and I just don’t know if what we are going through is pre-wedding stress or the relationship is unsalvageable. We have been on the brink of break up a few times in the last month. His behaviour never changes. Golf and drinking take priority over me. His job is the most important thing in his life and it causes so much stress. He is a police officer and I worry that he sees his work colleagues as his family. He is out with them very often.

most recently, we got very close to breaking up. I said I needed more time with him, that I was feeling neglected, and he said things would change. He gets four rest days and on those days he went drinking and played golf. No time spent with me. He said tonight we could go for dinner then was annoyed that I wasn’t ready at the time I finish work, then was in a bad mood and said we couldn’t watch tv together because he needed to sleep. He was in a foul mood but kept saying nothing was wrong. He then said me asking him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong was what was putting him in a bad mood. So it’s my fault, again.

I am terrified by what people will say. My family will support me, as will my friends, but I know people will judge me. I also fear for my mental health post break up. I don’t think I will cope well at all.

I also can’t quite explain how terrifying I find the idea of starting again at almost 30. We have been together 8 years. The thought of him moving on also makes me feel physically sick.

I still love him a lot. He’s not a bad person. He just has changed so much and I don’t really like who he is right now. Is this a phase or has he changed beyond repair?

we own a house together but have no children.

i really need some help, any advice gratefully received

I hope you’ll look back at this moment in years to come and thank your lucky stars you realised this before you tie yourself down with a child by this man. He sounds like he’d be an absent coparent.

How much is he drinking ?

The fact you’re considering it in spite of everything suggests you know you shouldn’t marry him.

If you aren’t 100% at this point don’t marry or have kids. You have plenty of time to meet someone new.

One thing is for sure - it’s never likely to get any better. You sound as if you know this is not what you want, but you’re just trying to work out the how. It won’t be easy, but it needs doing, so no sense in letting things get any further.

Don't marry him.

You have serious doubts, and to be honest, based on your post I think you are right to. If he doesn't prioritise you at the moment he never will.

Prioritising drinking, golf and work mates isn't a great sign in a fiancee - and it's even less attractive in a husband, particularly if you are going to have a family. He has you walking on eggshells round him, and that's not a good sign.

Do not marry him.

Cancel it.

You are seeing the best of him now. It will only get worse when you are married. Dont
do it

If you remove the wedding part, the way you describe your relationship is one where

• you come second.
• Your DP doesn’t care about you. Aka you tell him something upsets you but he carries on doing it regardless.
• he regularly is in a foul mood
• you are on the verge of breaking up several times in the last month

That sounds like a hard relationship. And I’d have thoughts about carrying on with it. But marrying him? Nope no way.

’People’ might judge, whoever people is. But as you said, the ones that matter, your friends and family are the ones who counts. The only ones that really matter.
Youre just early 30s. 8 years is a long time. But still so much time in front of you to build a good life for yourself.

You just have a house in common. Don’t wait until you also have kids and are linked to him until the youngest is 18yo.
Dont get married if you have even small doubts.

It will be ok.

Yes, you should cancel your wedding. You really, really should.

Sorry, OP.

Just no. Much better to cancel the wedding than be married to and have children with this man.

A wedding isn’t going to miraculously change him into someone else op. He doesn’t sound like he is all into this relationship - he sounds uncaring and selfish, and I would defo think twice about marrying him. I called off my first wedding off a few months before it took place - it was painful to do, but a lot less painful than a divorce would have been.

He sounds toxic AF and it will only get worse after he thinks he’s got you for good. Why would you marry that? It would be like saying here’s a green light to treat me like shit. You’ll regret it big time.

Don't marry him. You know it has to end and you have a golden opportunity to go through the pain of a break up now while you are still really young and don't have children. Get it over and done with now, not later. Later it will be even harder. If you can't break up with him then at the very least cancel the wedding and say you've changed your mind. You shouldn't get married if you are not sure.

OP, your guy is sending you a very very important message. Listen to it carefully. You might think cancelling the wedding is embarrassing and a waste of money but you are about to waste years of your life. Don't do it!!!

Gut

My dear, this is so hard but it's so much harder to manage the consequences of undoing a marriage especially with children involved.
My recent thread is not very similar to where you could be in a years time except that I have been married for less than a year to someone who's drinking has irretrievably damaged our relationship.
You have been wise enough to start this thread before marrying. Listen to your wise self and be brave. You will find help, understanding and love.

Who are these people that would judge you? If they are your friends they aren't your friends. If they are strangers why do you care?

He is already showing you you aren't a priority. Don't make the mistake that being married will change him for the better. He's likely to get worse as he thinks you're trapped.

Postpone. Then eventually it will end. For the best.

Do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy and I reckon your mental health will improve when you're away from this cretin.

Why would you marry him? It's meant to be a joyfully day. The start as you mean to go on day. It sounds shit sorry.

OP, I'm so sorry but I think you should listen to your instincts and not go ahead. I called off a wedding and it was absolutely the right thing to do. Life is long - you've got so much ahead of you - but it's too short to be unhappy. No one will think worse of you, in fact you might find that they were thinking the same thing. One day you'll look back and think 'what the hell did I put up with that prat for??' I don't say all of this lightly because I know it's scary and a difficult decision to make. But I do think you should listen to what your heart is telling you x

I didn’t read your whole post, you are questioning it so there’s something not right. Walk away now and in years to come you will thankful!

My DD dated a police officer for 8 years and they eventually moved in together. His moods were awful and he also suffered from depression from the job. He was shit at taking his meds though. His moods brought her down and she gained weight from being so unhappy. Thankfully she eventually saw the light and left him and moved back home. She's a different person now. She's lost weight, she's happy within herself again.

OP, from someone who was a "golf widow", get out now. If he's also drinking a lot, and putting colleagues before you (affairs are rife within the force) then you'll be signing up for a life of misery. Don't let your age or the fact the wedding is so close make you do something you're not completely happy with. You're still young enough to start again, no matter how scary that might seem at the moment.

Think of it this way, would you rather:

(a) go ahead and get married when you know it is a mistake and deal with the consequences of that

(b) deal with the awkwardness of cancelling the wedding

I know what I'd rather do!

I’m sorry but don’t marry him

If he is like this now, imagine what it's going to be like when you have an infant baby who wakes up every 1-2 hours every night.
Think about yourself and what's best for you. People are self centred and only think/care about themselves- they might judge for a minute then they will forget and it will all blow over. You will feel relieved - you have the rest of your life to look forward to! You are still very young and can absolutely be happy, please don't settle for this guy.