Husband hates Dd

[RiceBubbless]

I have no friends so just offloading here. My husband has been grumpy/ unhappy for years and my dd (15yrs) has always been difficult. It's been another hard year with her. She's been in CAMHS all year but never opens up. Just last week I took everything she owned out of her room as punishment for not giving me her iPad and saying me trying to take it off her is abuse. When she is down she just sits on screen all day and gets more and more out of reality. Starts getting really crazy/ emotional. So on to the current issue. She has avoided school for a few weeks (has been doing this for years) and I think it is because of exams and her anxiety. She kept complaining of a sore stomach so I asked my husband to bring her to the doctor when I was at work. She refused to go as she said she was in too much pain, he tried to drag her out by grabbing her. She punched him in the side of the head. He now has wiped his hands of her and wants nothing to do with her anymore. He also is threatening to pull out of a major 5 week holiday we go on next week. She won't apologise as she says he was hurting her and I agree. He won't accept this at all. He just stays out or sleeps now. He says she is a horrible person who cheats, lies and manipulates. For the record, she doesn't drink, steal, stat out, get in trouble with the police etc. She just refuses to do anything she is asked or go to school. I think the consequences for her as too harsh. If she knows her Dad hates her/ refuses to go on the family holiday because of her, I think it will mark her for life. Also I have a very sensitive Ds who will be absolutely gutted. Is there anything I can do? The is no way I can financially leave him.

Your teen's behaviour is bad but your bigger problem here is your husband. Could the resaon your daughter is having such a hard time (and your son is 'very sensitive') be that they are living with a 'grumpy, unhappy' man who tries to physically drag them places?

Not that it sounds like he's open to considering his role in this, but I would be looking at his impact on your children and talking to him about it.

And, FWIW, I think if you've got a teen who is already under MH services and is clearly really struggling, taking the comfort of all her personal items out of her room as a consequence for bad behaviour (which was in itself wanting to keep something that gives her comfort - whether or not that's healthy for her, you can see the reasoning for wanting it) is just going to make her feel powerless and miserable.

Your only option really is to speak to him and try and get through to him, remind him he has an unwell teenager who he needs to be a safe, consistent, steady parent for and not an unpredictable, physical name-calling bastard... and start thinking about how to make leaving him financially possible. It doesn't sound like you want to stay with him particularly, and he clearly isn't helping your daughter's issues.

Your dd sounds very much ND.

Your husband sounds a twat

Your house sounds like my hell hole of a childhood home. When they leave home they will have nothing more to do with you and you'll be left with Mr Miserable.

Your daughter is profoundly unhappy and is shutting down, depressed and struggling to engage with the world. She lives with an abusive father who assaults her and a mother who thinks the answer to her unhappiness is punishment. I think you need to accept that your husband is an abuser and start making plans to split. I also think you need to reframe your daughter's behaviour and your response to it, as she sounds desperate and in need of support and emotional connection, not endless punishment.

This. OP is unlikely to listen unfortunately.

Why were you taking your daughter’s iPad away? Your priory should be getting to the bottom of your daughter’s anxiety and your husband/ partner sounds horrible.

Everyone needs parenting classes and family therapy.

Poor kid.

Wow, I am speechless. Why do you think your teenage child should have a higher standard of emotional regulation than your husband?

Your daughter really does have no-one looking out for her does she?. Both kids are suffering here whilst you look on.

No obstacles to leaving are insurmountable and financials can be sorted out, it’s no reason to remain with him.

What an absolute shocker than a child who lives with a “grumpy” father who physically grabs her & a mother who removes everything from her room in punishment is struggling with anxiety and doesn’t want to open up eh? You really can’t see any link whatsoever between those things OP?

Do not put your hands on your daughter is a cardinal rule of parenting of the over-3's, I would think. Just don't. If you drag someone somewhere, it is assault and they may punch you back. You cannot physically move a resistant 15-year-old. He should never do that again, if she doesn't visit the doctor, visit the dr yourself and tell them she is suffering from MH problems and register your concern, do the same to the school. The only excuse for hands on like this would be if they were assaulting you and you needed to restrain them.

Your DD needs proper assessment for ASD/PDA. Your husband needs educating. You all need family therapy. You need to look at different parenting strategies because what you're doing isn't working.

Poor girl. What a life for her.

Thanks to you and others who have pointed out it is not just him. I needed this reality check that I also don't know how to parent her. I just mentioned the removal of her stuff to explain how difficult she is. But I am halted in my tracks by your honest opinions. I will look into parenting teens classes. I know he blames me for her behaviour.

The reality is that yes you could all use some family therapy. Setting boundaries and working out a way to live together (or apart if that becomes the right solution).

Your husband absolutely should NOT have been physical with her.

Getting help and support is extremely difficult though and there are massive waiting lists unless you can go private.

I'm afraid I may be in the minority but I would remove all technology while she isn't in school. Social media, doom scrolling is so detrimental and I'd seriously restrict it.

It's not a good idea to go to therapy with an abusive man. I would advise getting rid of him first, then arranging family therapy for the rest of you.

A five week holiday with a child who already is a poor school attender? What was the thinking behind that decision?

and your poor son.

This.

The poor girl also lives with a mother who is obviously putting her financial wellbeing above her children's sanity.

There is always a way. There are benefits available. No, you won't be having 5 week holidays, but you might get happier children who will actually want to see you when they are adults.

Sorry OP, he sounds fucking awful. Your DD really reminds me of my neice who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. The good news she's so much better now she is out of school, it really triggered her anxiety and now she is on medication for her ADHD. She has a really loving and supportive family (although she hasn't always made it easy to do so) and your daughter should have that too.

Maybe he’s also had enough. Calling the man an abusers a step too far imo

I wonder if any of the posters here have had a teen at home he is going through this? It’s never just the teen. It affects the whole family. I feel so sad for all of you. Sure he shouldn’t have grabbed her but he was probably desperate to get her out the door to the doctor. Right now all your lives are revolving around her. This is bloody hard.

I don’t have a magical answer but I highly doubt these posters have been through what you’re going through.

Please try and find a way to leave this man, his response to your daughter is dreadful. It's like you've got another stroppy child instead of a partner to share the work of parenting with.

Why does he think he gets to have no more to do with her?? I'm sure there are times when you would like to have no more to do with her but you presumably don't go off and sulk and leave him to pick up the pieces.