Husband hates Dd

[RiceBubbless]

I have no friends so just offloading here. My husband has been grumpy/ unhappy for years and my dd (15yrs) has always been difficult. It's been another hard year with her. She's been in CAMHS all year but never opens up. Just last week I took everything she owned out of her room as punishment for not giving me her iPad and saying me trying to take it off her is abuse. When she is down she just sits on screen all day and gets more and more out of reality. Starts getting really crazy/ emotional. So on to the current issue. She has avoided school for a few weeks (has been doing this for years) and I think it is because of exams and her anxiety. She kept complaining of a sore stomach so I asked my husband to bring her to the doctor when I was at work. She refused to go as she said she was in too much pain, he tried to drag her out by grabbing her. She punched him in the side of the head. He now has wiped his hands of her and wants nothing to do with her anymore. He also is threatening to pull out of a major 5 week holiday we go on next week. She won't apologise as she says he was hurting her and I agree. He won't accept this at all. He just stays out or sleeps now. He says she is a horrible person who cheats, lies and manipulates. For the record, she doesn't drink, steal, stat out, get in trouble with the police etc. She just refuses to do anything she is asked or go to school. I think the consequences for her as too harsh. If she knows her Dad hates her/ refuses to go on the family holiday because of her, I think it will mark her for life. Also I have a very sensitive Ds who will be absolutely gutted. Is there anything I can do? The is no way I can financially leave him.

That pretty well sums it up.

He's an adult and should be more mature. What are you going to do next, given that your daughter is only 15 (and ND) ... Who do you think needs the help most?

If her stomach was really bad she wouldn't have refused to go to the Dr. If your dh is getting physical it's good he takes a step back. everyone having a break while you go on holiday would be good. Is there anyone she could stay with and could ds take a friend instead? She is probably too old to remove things so you need to treat her abit more as an adult

Even worse, she's not got a single adult to turn to.

She is too old to be taken on a family holiday and should not be man-handled by either of you. It is abuse. I'm not surprised she punched your DH in the head.

Send her to boarding school or let her do her own thing. Stop trying to "manage" her and stop trying to get her to do things.

Show her the contents of the fridge, show her a cook book / YouTube and let her cook for herself. Show her how to use the washing machine and let her clean her own clothes.

Kids always raise to your expectations if you raise your expectations of them in terms of independence.

You should have started making these changes at age 10 really, but you can try now.

Hey OP, loads of parents fear a diagnosis means 'a label' - but your daughter will end up being labelled anyway, you yourself described her as "difficult... crazy/emotional" - a diagnosis just means the label she gets is the right one, and helps you/her understand her better. The CAMHS psychologist diagnosis shouldn't count for nothing - they should have followed up with a written report outlining help/support she'll need in school? chase if not - but in our LA you then to have to go on a list to see 'a prescriber' once you have the diagnosis, which is another 4-5 months wait (guessing that is the paed/psychiatrist you refer to). Badger your CAMHS to get you on that waitlist, can discuss it more with her in the meantime - I am umming and aahing about meds for my DD but have read so many things saying it helped, that I feel like must be worth a try. The Explosive Child Book is brilliant and is suitable for parenting challenging kids with all diagnoses and non. Naomi Fisher as somebody else mentioned is brilliant, as is Sunshine Support. Also start the process now for an EHCP; gird you loins, it's tough, but check out SENDIST for a wealth of info. I will say - before I clocked DD was autistic (oh she masked so well) I was trying all the consequences, punishments, reward charts and incentives, feeling like i needed to get tougher etc - I now know none of that works with ND kids. Wishing you luck OP, it's a tough (and lonely) road at times but you come across as truly wanting to do better for her so I've no doubt you can be the advocate and protector she needs.

Worth remembering if your DD is ADHD there is a very high chance either you or your husband are too.

ADHD parent trying to deal with ADHD teen complicates things a lot. (ADHD parent here with ADHD child - luckily DH is NT and the voice of reason).

Hence whole family therapy/counselling could be very beneficial.

Is an irrelevant question.

It doesn't suit at lot of MNetters for someone to have a mental illness and not something nice and identifiable like a broken leg. All this crap about "it's good to talk", well, only for the "poor parents". Not the child who is actually unwell and needing support, apparently they need to be left at home whilst the family fuck off on holiday and then go to boarding school or be given a cookbook.

I would email the psychologist at CAMHS and say that you need help as a family as you are not coping and are reacting in a way that you think is making things worse. Tell the psychologist that you need advice on parenting your daughter in a way that meets her needs better.
Explain that your husband has become very negative about your daughter and be honest about the recent incident. Explain that he sees her as being deliberately difficult and needs her diagnosis explaining.
If your husband doesn't engage with help then it will become a child protection issue . He sounds to have no understanding of her needs at all- but how much has been explained to him.
You have a bit more insight but it sounds as if you are floundering.
If no help is forthcoming from CAMHS look at some of the links that have been suggested on here.
A general course on parenting teens will be of limited help at best. It needs to be tailored to her neurodiversity and she needs a proper diagnosis.
The psychologist should be working as part of a multi-disciplinary team and be able to involve other members of the team.
Also mention how it's affecting your son.

Sounds like he’s had enough of pandering to her, on no planet would I let my child ‘avoid’ school. There is far too much allowance made for every whim and mood of teens these days , teens are moody and lazy they need firm boundaries and fair rules that they must adhere to for everyone’s benefit especially their own! I say this as a parent of a pre teen ND son!

OP - you're ignoring the gigantic elephant in the room here. Your daughter's behaviour is classic Autistic teen with PDA Profile), looks like ADHD too.

I want to shake you on this one. This is her entire identity and you are ignoring it! The kid needs to know, you need to know. School need know. This is not a label. Everything happening here is because of this.

You can get a private assessment and diagnosis quite easily if she is ( she clearly is). The NHS told us to go away and refused an assessment. I said no way. I had to borrow money for this assessment. Now he knows who he is ( Autistic/ADHD). The school know too and we have an argument to ask them to help and make this stress less. And yes I want medication to be considered because everywhere I look the majority say ADHD meds helped them.

The next thing you must do is source a private assessment for her. You can sell it to her. It will open doors.

Is your husband also possibly ND? Is this 5 week holiday necessary.

It sounds like a lot of family issues might be being projected onto your dd - it's not going to be any good for her at all if all the focus is on her MH when others around her clearly also need to to some work - something more holistic like family therapy might be worth looking into - www.aft.org.uk/page/whatisfamilytherapy

I strongly agree with this. I’m a psychologist and I think you really need family therapy in order to improve communication and understanding of your daughter. She is struggling emotionally and any punishment will likely make her feel worse. Your husband is reacting in a very unhelpful way which serves to make the whole situation worse. Please advocate for your daughter - your husband should not be putting his hands on her.

I would advise speaking with your daughter’s CAMHS clinician and see what they can offer in terms of family input. Please keep your daughter safe and ensure your husband not does not repeat his behaviour again - it would be wise for him to leave the family home as he is not in the mindset at present to support your daughter and she needs to be the focus. She needs support, love and understanding- not punishment.

@SeenYourArse things might change come secondary school sad to say.

So much depends on the support available. You might get the child in school but a breakdown may at some point result.

I agree pandering is also risky. My son could manipulate and it's a balance always.

Your DD sounds like a typical case of ASD/PDA behaviour. You need to look into an assessment and ask CAMHS to offer you an NVR parenting course which will teach you low demand techniques.

It's a horrible situation for your family to deal with, but the important thing to remember is that your DD isn't coping with life/school and has extremely high anxiety as a result. Punishing her by removing belongings or manhandling her and increasing the conflict will not help.

Without knowing the family very well it's difficult to say whether this negative cycle started because the child is ND and the parents have a poor understanding and are blaming her or whether it started because the father and, to a lesser extent OP, have their own issues which have negatively impacted on the children. It could be both but it's certainly spiralling down and the parents need advice.

This isn’t true - or at least shouldn’t be! A diagnosis is a diagnosis, a Clinical Psychologist is best placed to diagnose neurodivergence. Are you sure your daughter has gone through a formal neuropsychological testing process? A diagnosis should absolutely be a gateway for support. I would be seriously questioning this.

Either way, it's clear that the child's needs are not being met, and the focus is on her mental health - she is not the problem here whichever way you want to look at it.

Maybe he’s had enough

This sounds tough!!! If this is the only incident I wouldn’t rush to calling your H abusive. I would very much research parenting an anxious school refuser.

I would cut off her access to the internet, this doesn’t mean removing her tech. Ask your Internet service provider about restricting WiFi access per device. This would mean you could turn off her WiFi while everyone else could remain online.

Would it be so bad if your H pulled out of the holiday? Given the recent escalations I think it would be more stressful if he went. On holiday I would detach as much as possible from her negative behaviour and prioritise quality time with your son.

MrsTerryPratchett · Today 14:50

Everyone needs parenting classes and family therapy.
This (as most of us do if we’re really honest!) but as much to remind you all that you have an anxious kid who’s been pulled into an alternative universe (screens), because she finds it more comfortable than real life.

Sometimes we need reminders of those things we knew when the kids were young, we made sure that had stimulation, brought them out for healthy walks or games, had healthy food, fun things to do, we chatted to them, asked them how things were etc etc.

when they turn into teens we tend to just leave them to it and the going for walks, prioritising playing games and family time etc goes out the window.

For your daughter taking away screens doesn’t work, distractions will but it’ll take time. Avoiding school needs to be dealt with by figuring out why she hates school and how she can be helped or whether she actually does have physical issues (ds was always complaining of stomach issues and we and the teachers put it down to school avoiding but he actually has stomach issues we’re getting under control with diet).

As for her dad, he needs to remember he was a teenager once too and also needs to know he’s her dad, he can’t just walk out and he needs to learn he can’t control or force or use force. I disagree you’re better apart, there is of course a chance you are, but more likely you all need to remember how to be a happy relaxed family unit again. You say you e no friends to talk to over this, make sure you talk to someone, you’re all going to have to suit up and get strong to work through this xxxx best of luck op x

I have nothing constructive to add about the father that has not already been mentioned. It’s always astonishing to me that men see fit to ‘wash their hands’ of their own children when the going gets tough, and personally feel quite resentful that in this day and age they still seemingly have that choice, and so many take it.
This is a high pressure environment and exasperating for everyone. ‘Punishments’ will only escalate the situation and regardless of how much you believe screen time contributes to these issues, I would suggest that screens are not the root cause of this, and removing them won’t be the resolution.
My only useful bit of advice is to involve everyone in the whole ‘refusal’ situation . You’ll find people a lot more sympathetic than you think and this is the only way to access reasonable adjustments and support.
So. Refuses school? Speak the the attendance officer, find out their policy for emotionally based school avoidance, see what support is available. Refuses a gp appointment? Speak to the gp, explain you’re struggling to have her attend. Nobody expects you to manhandle her anywhere. It isn’t possible, and it isn’t a good solution. And a five week holiday with a difficult teen?
sounds hellish. And expensive. I imagine the anxiety of the teen ruining it before it’s even happened is causing a lot of stress.

I think the focus needs to be on both. It doesn't sound as if the daughter has had a proper assessment and therefore her needs aren't clear to her parents but the wider issues in the family also need addressing. It's no good seeing her in isolation for individual CAMHS sessions. It won't be at effective if the family issues are ignored.

You emptied out her room of her belongings as a punishment? Wtf. That is abusive, particularly as she already has MH stuff going on and is likely autistic.
If this is the level of consequence she faces it’s no wonder she’s struggling!

She should not have punched him, but autistic teens pushed to the very edge are known to lash out. Look at how she’s being parented, look at how horribly her dad is treating her!

Poor girl!
(And before anyone suggests I don’t know what I’m talking about, I have three autistic children, one was violent as a child and young teen, I’ve been through this and more, I still managed to work out how to be a better parent and learn how to parent the child I had).

Edited to add: as for you husband washing his hands of her - what the fucking fuck?? What an arsehole. He’s her dad. He needs to step up, and if he can’t you need to kick him out and prioritise your daughter.

Exactly this!!!! Where is the support and understanding for your clearly struggling daughter? Stop looking at her like she is a nuisance and try and understand why she is acting the way she is. Punishing her by taking her belongings will make things 100 times worse!!!

Your husband physically manhandling her and dragging her is ludicrous behaviour. What the hell did he think he was doing? He was treating her like a piece of shit and not a human being. I don’t condone violence but I am not surprised she lashed out.

Your husband is a massive part of the problem!!