Husband hates Dd

[RiceBubbless]

I have no friends so just offloading here. My husband has been grumpy/ unhappy for years and my dd (15yrs) has always been difficult. It's been another hard year with her. She's been in CAMHS all year but never opens up. Just last week I took everything she owned out of her room as punishment for not giving me her iPad and saying me trying to take it off her is abuse. When she is down she just sits on screen all day and gets more and more out of reality. Starts getting really crazy/ emotional. So on to the current issue. She has avoided school for a few weeks (has been doing this for years) and I think it is because of exams and her anxiety. She kept complaining of a sore stomach so I asked my husband to bring her to the doctor when I was at work. She refused to go as she said she was in too much pain, he tried to drag her out by grabbing her. She punched him in the side of the head. He now has wiped his hands of her and wants nothing to do with her anymore. He also is threatening to pull out of a major 5 week holiday we go on next week. She won't apologise as she says he was hurting her and I agree. He won't accept this at all. He just stays out or sleeps now. He says she is a horrible person who cheats, lies and manipulates. For the record, she doesn't drink, steal, stat out, get in trouble with the police etc. She just refuses to do anything she is asked or go to school. I think the consequences for her as too harsh. If she knows her Dad hates her/ refuses to go on the family holiday because of her, I think it will mark her for life. Also I have a very sensitive Ds who will be absolutely gutted. Is there anything I can do? The is no way I can financially leave him.

See if you can get a referral for you and hubby to triple P through CAMS/school nursingteam. They have a brilliant course for parenting teens particularly those where SEN may be an issue. Not all Council areas offer them unfortunately though.

So you've never taken hold of your child mid tantrum and marched them out of a shop? Or propelled them out to the car under whines of I'm not going to schoooool! ?

i doubt that. Pretty sure most parents have had to manhandle a child at some point in their lives. Sometimes you have to discipline.

And honestly you can say what you like but ultimately this child is school refusing, disrespectful and out of control while my 4 kids (2 autistic and one with emotional regulation issues who was totally off the rails when he came to me) are in school, behaving, reasonably polite and respectful, doing their therapies, happy in themselves and willingly taking on responsibilities within their hobbies. If we're going by results I'd say my way works.

THIS
And in terms of your planned holiday, don't forget that this will involve a lot of transitions and a change in routine/environment which will make things even worse!
Please pay some attention to your DS, he must be struggling with so much conflict at home and might also need support.

You are getting some really good advice here and I'm so pleased you haven't been scared off by some of the replies. You definitely need to look at a private assessment. It will help you all so much when you actually know what you are dealing with (and it's unlikely 'bad' behaviour just for the sake of it).
I'd also highly recommend Dr Naomi Fisher - she posts often on FB etc and has some really good advice.
I recently did a Non Violent Resistance (NVR) course and it sounds like you would benefit massively from learning about it. Don't be put off by the name (I was - they really have to rename it!). In my case the council ran the course and I was able to self refer so there may be something similar in your area. But even without a course there is lots of information online.

Good luck - there is a way out of this, but your husband is going to need to be on board too.

This is not about you or your children. This is not a black and white issue. ‘Your way’ certainly isn’t what CAMHS clinicians would recommend.

This is not a 2 year old. This is a 15 year old girl who is ND and struggling with her mental health. Discipline is not what is needed here. I’ve no idea where you’ve got ‘disrespectful’ and ‘out of control’ from. School refusal can be a massively complex issue that again ties in with neurodivergence and mental health, and dragging a child to school in such instances really does do more harm than good.

OP needs professional input.

Could you get the possibility of being nd explored for her ?

CAMHS have had this child for a year and made no difference. My experience of them is the same. They're as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

Disrespectful: Arguing back when told to come off Ipad and refusing to hand it over.

Out of control: refusing school, rude and argumentative and a physical fight with her father. Yeah her behaviour sounds totally in hand...

Has anyone looked at alternative CAMHS have had this child for a year and made no difference. My experience of them is the same. They're as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

Disrespectful: Arguing back when told to come off Ipad and refusing to hand it over. Refusing to do anything she is asked.

Out of control: refusing school, rude and argumentative, out of reality and a physical fight with her father. Yeah her behaviour sounds totally in hand... Some kind of intervention is required here. The school refusing isn't the huge issue here, that can be dealt with, there are alternatives. It's the attitude and home behaviour that needs straightening out.

Has anyone looked at alternative schooling? Why does she hate it so much? Is she being bullied? Work too hard? Is it the structure? Is she getting overwhelmed?

@Balloonhearts You are inferring and elaborating so much on the OP. I see no disrespectful or out of control behaviour - there is clearly a 15 year old girl struggling with her mental health who is also neurodivergent. In addition there are difficulties within the family dynamic; the OP states that she herself has no friends and her husband has been aggressive to their vulnerable daughter. There is obviously a lot to unpack here and it is ignorant and arrogant of you to state how CAMHS ‘isn’t working’ when you do not know what has been tried and what is available. The OP should absolutely be going down this route first to get support as a family.

You have shown through your repeat posts that you are very ignorant of mental health issues and neurodivergence. Her ‘attitude and home behaviour’ don’t need ‘straightening out’ - she clearly has unmet needs, and needs connection and support not your archaic punitive nonsense. We need to look at what she is communicating with her behaviour, and seek to understand her, not take an authoritarian stance. It is a waste of time engaging with you further and I hope the OP will pay attention to the vast majority of sensible posts on the thread which thankfully are the polar opposite to yours.

@GetMyCloak oh you're totally ok to rant about that. I think this is a common issue across all neurotypes! 🤦I can just see how it might complicate things, especially if the dad is and doesn't actually realise or have a diagnosis.

I think mums always always pick up the slack and have no space to just fall apart or throw a giant tantrum like men can. It's wrong.

I think the most important thing you said was at the very beginning of this whole thread.

You said you don't have friends. Why is that?

It is not abuse to restrict your daughter's screen time. That is absolutely the very first thing to be addressed. What does she enjoy that's NOT on a screen? Can she do an hour of that, per day? Can she use screens only in shared living areas of the household, not isolated in her room? Your husband will need to back you up on this, and that brings me to my final question.

Are there addiction, substance use, alcoholism, severe overeating issues in your home, either in yourself or your husband? To me, that would explain his sudden snap in his treatment of her. It would also explain her terrible behavior overall, and even stomach pains as well. The body keeps the score.

Work on yourself, the counseling etc that others have suggested, and the behavior of the others in your household will follow. (Not easily. Not quickly. Not overnight.) Work on your marriage; if you're asking yourself "Should I stay or should I go?" or "Why does he do that?", boy does Lundy Bancroft have a book or two for YOU. Your daughter's entire attitude is a reflection of the dysfunction in the home. Don't focus or worry so much about her, aside from, with counseling, setting a few parental boundaries; instead, address the dysfunction in yourself, and between you and your husband, and the two of you in the way you parent your daughter, and her behavior may follow suit if you are ultimately healthier.

I empathise with the whole situation. Parenting a child with difficulties can be so hard (my dd is currently being assessed by cahms after a 3! Year wait). Sometimes, desperation sets in.

I would ask cahms to send you local parental support links. If they haven't already. It's not enough to think they will support her and somehow you'll muddle through.

He assaulted her.

Why can’t you see that he is the bigger problem!!

No it really isn’t if you can afford to pay privately … you can get a private assessment done remotely via Zoom etc if you need to. I have actually been where you are OP (minus the abusive husband) and both my child and I ended up being diagnosed with autism - she was diagnosed by CAMHS, I was assessed privately using the same NICE criteria that the NHS uses, you can Google for online autism assessments and make sure you select one that gives you a minimum of 2/appointments (psychologist AND psychiatrist) and follows the NICE guidelines.

DD got an appointment in less than 3 days for a zoom assessment for ADHD and autism on Harley Street. Not cheap at between £800 - 950 but done and dusted.

Then you need to be the parent and change her mind

ZOMBIE THREAD alert. OP hasn’t been back since November.

I felt the same way at first like a diagnosis was impossible where I live. Public options failed, private felt out of reach. But once I looked beyond my area, I found waitlists and adhd certify assessments. It took effort but getting clarity was worth it.