Husband hates Dd

[RiceBubbless]

I have no friends so just offloading here. My husband has been grumpy/ unhappy for years and my dd (15yrs) has always been difficult. It's been another hard year with her. She's been in CAMHS all year but never opens up. Just last week I took everything she owned out of her room as punishment for not giving me her iPad and saying me trying to take it off her is abuse. When she is down she just sits on screen all day and gets more and more out of reality. Starts getting really crazy/ emotional. So on to the current issue. She has avoided school for a few weeks (has been doing this for years) and I think it is because of exams and her anxiety. She kept complaining of a sore stomach so I asked my husband to bring her to the doctor when I was at work. She refused to go as she said she was in too much pain, he tried to drag her out by grabbing her. She punched him in the side of the head. He now has wiped his hands of her and wants nothing to do with her anymore. He also is threatening to pull out of a major 5 week holiday we go on next week. She won't apologise as she says he was hurting her and I agree. He won't accept this at all. He just stays out or sleeps now. He says she is a horrible person who cheats, lies and manipulates. For the record, she doesn't drink, steal, stat out, get in trouble with the police etc. She just refuses to do anything she is asked or go to school. I think the consequences for her as too harsh. If she knows her Dad hates her/ refuses to go on the family holiday because of her, I think it will mark her for life. Also I have a very sensitive Ds who will be absolutely gutted. Is there anything I can do? The is no way I can financially leave him.

Firstly, your husband needs to apologise to your daughter. He needs to explain that he was worried about her and wanted her to see a professional about her pain and that it is hard, as a parent, to watch someone refuse help. He needs to say it will not happen again. I have seen parents of children like this on their knees - it can break people over time. The impact isn’t just on the teen, the whole house can suffer.

Regarding removing everything from her room. Like a previous poster said, I think this was the wrong way round. She deserves to have a safe space that is hers to occupy BUT you do not need to allow her to have access to the WiFi I assume you pay for. I would have turned that off rendering the iPad almost useless. I also wouldn’t let her have it unless for school work. You can make home too comfortable. WiFi gets switched on as and when she cooperates BUT consider the demands you are placing on her.

She sounds like she has PDA - have you had her assessed? If so, consider very low demand parenting. If her behaviour isn’t impacting others (e.g. won’t go to the doctor, won’t come downstairs for dinner), leave her be. Demands she considers excessive are likely to be having a negative impact on her MH.

If you haven’t spoken to the SENCO at school already, drop them an email.

Finally, the holiday: I assume you are southern hemisphere where the summer holidays are just starting? Otherwise that is a ridiculous plan for a teen who already refuses to attend school on a regular basis. It clearly sends the message that school is optional.

You and DH really need to get it together put her first and help her.

Which one do you want to keep?

Exactly.

She has two parents, him absolving himself of any responsibility and blaming you isn't helping, its harming.

The family needs counselling. That is not meant to imply you all have MH issues, just that the dynamics are off and you all need guidance and a safe place to be heard.

Don't beat yourself up about removing her stuff - when kids misbehave there have to be consequences - however its clearly not working so you need outside input.

Your husband is part of the problem, he is clearly struggling to cope too as he is not being the adult here.

He can hid and absolve himself of any responsibility (which is what it sounds like he is doing) or he can work with you to find a solution. If he won't do the later, he needs to go as he making this situation a while lot worse than it needs to be.

Big hugs and I wish you all the best - stay strong

It's the dad that's the problem.

Getting an assessment or diagnosis for ADHD or ASD where we are is literally impossible public or private. However I agree that one or both are affecting her behaviour. Re the holiday - she will only miss one week of school and it is to see my family overseas.

I am missing the bit where you give her a cuddle, talk to her, try to undersand the problems, try to connect emotionally. If your kid has spent a year with CAHMS then she has issues and punishment is unlikely to fix those. Hug more, shout less. Oh and your H sounds bloody awful.

You statement about why you “just mentioned” taking all her things is very telling. It doesn’t matter why you mentioned it here. It matters why you did it and how you think that is effective parenting of a depressed teen.

Does she not already have an adhd diagnosis?

This is what I was wondering. She needs routine and consistency. What on earth?

I'd dump him. You might suffer financially and have to downscale your lifestyle but he's a daily abuser.

You took everything she owns out of her room? Seriously?

No one in this story is behaving in a healthy manner.

Is he her biological parent?

Usual piling in on the DH. Clearly though he has taken years of this and is crumbling under the pressure.

IMO both parents need to work as a team here. Pointless trying to blame each other. Otherwise it will only continue to get much much worse.

Sounds like your husband is completely uncomfortable with her feelings and difficulties and wants it all to go away. He's her father and can't wash his hands of her. It is both of your jobs to support her.

She is under CAMHS but I'm wondering have you been given any parenting support? As a pp says, Im really surprised you would remove everything from her as this type of parenting isn't at all fitting with a child like this. Try the therapeutic parenting page on fb. You need to look at Naomi Fisher and low demand parenting. You need to get back on your daughter's side rather than fighting her, and she needs to know you're on her side and happy to support her.

Omg what have I just read! Your poor poor child. It’s screamingly obvious she is deeply unhappy and struggling, clearly has been for years. Likely because of your ‘D’H. You need to absolutely prioritise her and get rid of him before it becomes too late.

I do agree that this girl is being failed by both. It's sad.

This!

Why aren't you and DH forming a united front to support your DD and actually help her rather than mentally knocking lumps out of each other - what a shambles!

I don't think your husband sounds awful......I think your dd sounds like she's hard work (( not saying it's her fault but the reality is her behaviour will make her hard work )) and your husband doesn't know how to deal with it. Clearly his bull in a chinashop approach doesn't work.

You need someone else to tell him this. He won't listen to you because you're stuck in a pattern of conflict, you need any professionals dealing with dd to get him on board.

Absolutely agree. I have a daughter like this. Shes a bit older now but I have learned to parent her differently to my others. I feel so so sad your daughter. Your husband is a grown man and meant to be her advocate and for her to feel safe in her own home. I hope you do take on board what other posters have said. Please xx

“Only miss one week”. For a kid who regularly doesn’t attend this is denial and I’ll though through. Four weeks would have been enough.

Your husband is awful OP. I am glad you’ve come back to the post though. Often original posters don’t when a thread doesnt give them the feed back they were wanting or expecting. I honestly think you need to find a way to leave. I know you say financially you can’t but you can’t put money in front of your child’s well being.

Good point. Sounds like both parents have reached the end of their tether.

The DH isn’t an abuser and frankly it’s catastrophising to say he is. she also punched him in the head so two wrongs don’t make a right.

Behaviour by everyone sounds poor. You know who I feel sorry for? Your son.

My Dd (16) has ASD & PDA. She is also often unable to attend school. I've had to be exceptionally patient with her. I would never lay hands on her (unless eg she ran out in front of a truck). I wouldn't take her possessions away. Your Dd will need a great deal of time & understanding. It doesn't sound like your H is remotely interested. I hope you don't have to 'choose' but, if you do it needs to be your child imo.