Husband hates Dd

[RiceBubbless]

I have no friends so just offloading here. My husband has been grumpy/ unhappy for years and my dd (15yrs) has always been difficult. It's been another hard year with her. She's been in CAMHS all year but never opens up. Just last week I took everything she owned out of her room as punishment for not giving me her iPad and saying me trying to take it off her is abuse. When she is down she just sits on screen all day and gets more and more out of reality. Starts getting really crazy/ emotional. So on to the current issue. She has avoided school for a few weeks (has been doing this for years) and I think it is because of exams and her anxiety. She kept complaining of a sore stomach so I asked my husband to bring her to the doctor when I was at work. She refused to go as she said she was in too much pain, he tried to drag her out by grabbing her. She punched him in the side of the head. He now has wiped his hands of her and wants nothing to do with her anymore. He also is threatening to pull out of a major 5 week holiday we go on next week. She won't apologise as she says he was hurting her and I agree. He won't accept this at all. He just stays out or sleeps now. He says she is a horrible person who cheats, lies and manipulates. For the record, she doesn't drink, steal, stat out, get in trouble with the police etc. She just refuses to do anything she is asked or go to school. I think the consequences for her as too harsh. If she knows her Dad hates her/ refuses to go on the family holiday because of her, I think it will mark her for life. Also I have a very sensitive Ds who will be absolutely gutted. Is there anything I can do? The is no way I can financially leave him.

I agree. If it was the mother it would be “be kind you were at the end of your tether”.

It sounds like the whole family is miserable and has broken down.
A son who is sensitive, a teenage daughter who is clearly struggling and two parents who haven't a clue how to manage it so resort to punishment which makes it worse.
I can see how your dh snapped and dragged her, I can't justify that as an adult when we snap we should walk away. It is frustrating watching teenagers struggle, refuse to take help etc but grabbing her wasn't the way to go. To say he's washed his hands of her is awful and not supporting anyone.
I'd seek some family therapy and have very harsh words with your husband about his miserable mood and the future

I don’t think your husband sounds abusive from that one incident. It takes an enormous emotional toll on a family when children have mental health problems. I suspect he lost it in the moment….. unless there have been other incidents? He does need to apologise though, no matter how frustrated he was, he needs to apologise for his part in what happened. Is he adult enough to do that?

You need to parent a child with these sorts of issues differently. You need to pick your battles for the big stuff - school attendance, rise above the small stuff and treat your child with kid gloves and love. I think a relaxed family holiday might be a good thing for all of you.

Have CAMHS offered any family therapy?

It sounds as if all the time and attention has gone into your DC, and nothing left for Father. Who is just ignored.
He tried to do the right thing in this instance - get ungrateful DD to the Dr - but everyone saying he was wrong. She obviously won't talk or discuss things. What is he supposed to do?
That holiday sounds like a complete waste of time and money, DD will ruin it for everyone. Try and take DS away somewhere so that he escapes the turmoil for a while. Poor little chap.

Thank you for the suggestions for books etc. and the reset of perspective.

Getting an assessment or diagnosis for ADHD or ASD where we are is literally impossible public or private.

There might be a wait but it's rarely impossible to get if you're willing to pay, which I'm sure you are as it's more important than holidays. So have you looked further afield? Got her on lists? Some places will do private assessments remotely or you could travel to a private place as it's so important. Nothing is really more important than getting the diagnosis so you know what you're dealing with and can get the right support.

Her psychologist in CAMHS has diagnosed her but it doesn't count for support/ medication if it is not a pead or a psychiatrist

This approach is really helpful in parenting young people with mental health issues. https://www.parentingmentalhealth.org/partnering-not-parenting Also echo PP about ASD/PDA diagnosis as usual consequences will not work in these individuals.

Talk to the school SEN department and your GP - get on the lists it will be years but get on. Also talk to GP about her anxiety or see if CAMHS can give you some guidance - it' s often been the driver of issues with my ND child.

In meantime start reading about parenting strategies that may work with such conditions and start using them.

I don't think taking all the possession away is a good strategy - DH once tried that with DS at younger age - I was fucking livid as it made everything so much worse. I had to calm everyone down - spoke serious later to DH found out he was not doing well at work was super stressed which he accepted was no excuse but he felt very overwhelmed by DS behavior - and then got to bottom of DS anxiety about school work and being bullied at school - it was all sortable when everyone was calm. We worked on improving strategies to handled DS not blow him up further.

Exactly.
And also, what @ArseInTheCoOpWindow
said.
I thought this stuff was in the past, as in when I was 15 thirty years ago.
🙁

You can google clinics with psychiatrists that do diagnoses of ADHD and prescribe medication and get her on the list for those. We did that and the wait was less than 3 months. This was in London but there must be equivalents in cities near you if you look into it.

I don’t think it’s fair to call him an abuser, he didn’t handle it exactly right but teens can be extremely frustrating. He pulled her by her arm in desperation to get her up and to the doctors because she had been complaining of stomach pain and not going to school. She responded by punching him in the head! Which he presumably did nothing about except left the room. I don’t think he sounds abusive…

Any child with serious MH issues that completely refuses any form of help is a complete nightmare situation.

It can be highly volatile and I don’t think most people on here have a clue of the reality of the situation.

I feel for your DH I really do.

I do think he needs to go on holiday. Small steps for your DD and for all of your family are needed.

You are right. Thanks for helping me see that. I had been thinking a diagnosis was just a label (she is strongly against medication for ADHD

Is the holiday necessary? Sounds like it could make everything worse and you all need a familiar environment and to get help. Put money towards that?

Thanks 🙏

She's 15 and is strongly against a lot of things, but the psych can talk to her about the medication and if she gives it a try, everything else might get easier. Good luck.

I have been through it and worse, my DD now 21 was extremely mentally ill and it began in the same way as OP's DD. Ex-H wasn't supportive and his behaviour definitely contributed a huge amount - my solicitor said he met the threshold for me to get an occupation order.

Try telling CAMHS what YOU have allowed to go on OP, see how that works out for you. You know, CAMHS are notoriously slow at doing anything, but if they think they can report you to social services they will be VERY efficient I assure you.

How has it got to this? He must have been an arsehole for years. Why do you think you need parenting classes?! You need a divorce.

Hi @RiceBubbless
Im really sorry for your situation. It sounds difficult, exhausting and tiring and isn’t making anyone feel good.
I have had a very difficult teenage girl - it can be distressing. She is now good and in her twenties - there is a light!!
But like a number of people have said - her behaviour is because she’s unhappy, she isn’t bad - she is struggling with teenage stuff and it’s manifesting as anger, belligerence and withdrawal.

The way around this is not to all slug lumps out of eachother. I hate to say this as it often falls to the mum, but I think you’re going to have to dig deep here and find some calmness and new ways of managing this situation.
You’re going to have to find some patience to talk calmly with your husband. You shouldn’t need to as he’s also an adult but it has to start somewhere. Can you go for dinner? Can you explain to him that although your daughter’s behaviour needs managing and she should not have hit him - the first steps are for him to understand that it’s not because she’s bad. And that together you have to find a way to get through this.
Can you use this situation to listen to him and his upset and hurt that his own child wacked him and at least try and get to a place where you’re working abit together and he’s a bit calmer?
Then second I think you need to build a plan/ strategy on how to tackle your daughter in a unified way.
It’s like you need to build a bond with her, whilst at the same time laying down calm boundaries and behaviour expectations. Can you do some things together? It can be as simple as watching her YouTube ideas - if she likes Billie Eilish - ask her to show you some excerpts from her latest tour.. engage with a glimmer of anything she likes? Cook something together .. anything small you can do together? This isn’t a reward it’s a way to create a calmness so you can move forward but still put in place the boundaries of behaviour you expect from her. When there’s a moment of calm, just try and explain some of the recent stories on phone and social media addiction… point out the recent studies in Australia where they’re looking to ban Social media. Try not to lecture her, listen to her concerns - she may feel her iPad and social media gives her comfort and friendship and explain that when you clumsily attempt to limit her time on it, you’re coming at this from a place of love as you’re worried about the affect it’s having.

Hopefully your husband can join in a calm way .. if not maybe he has to keep out of the way for a bit and let you have these conversations and then you can build up.
I promise you anger, raised voices, shouting and threats will not work with a child who’s highly anxious and showing it through anger.
you two have to be the adults and then set your boundaries once she feels able to explain to you why she’s feeling like she is because she feels a bit closer to you and listened to by you both.
its not easy!!
In terms of the holiday, personally I feel it’s a great opportunity for you all to work through some things, do stuff together.
Maybe husband can join you in a week once he’s calmed down. And you’ve had a week bonding with daughter? Or he could just be the adult and go and he may feel like this once you and he have had an initial heart to heart.
good luck OP 🙏

Thanks for your comments. No CAMHS have not offered any family/ parenting help. I will ask them.

I'm loving all the male violence excusers here - he was stressed poor lamb so he had to drag her? He had to take everything out of her room? You realise that is the one most damaging thing you can do to a young person in this situation?

No CAMHS have not offered any family/ parenting help. I will ask them.

And make sure you tell them what he's done won't you, seeing as its all entirely understandable and completely innocent ...

This.

Th H didn't take everything from the room op did.

My sympathies very much lie with your daughter, who at 15 is still very much a child and is obviously really struggling to cope right now.
Your husband is a pathetic excuse of a man and father.