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Original poster

MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

521 replies

ShatOnAndrew · 29/11/2024 08:57

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

OP posts:
TimeToGoAgain · 29/11/2024 11:15

They’ve been married for 11 years, together for longer.

She clearly doesn’t really like you that much, I’m sorry.

I would avoid voicing opinions around her.

Thinking of the divorced people I know, families are never very nice to the other half, it’s such a shame.

No matter how much you do for them, they don’t really look upon you as family, they don’t feel about their own families and spouse this way, of course.

BlossomOfOrange · 29/11/2024 11:15

Your MIL is very rude. Ignore her. Or make clear that you and your dh are a partnership and therefore of course you and he will be better off when the money comes in. Duh!

Original poster
ShatOnAndrew · 29/11/2024 11:17

I get the comments about keeping finances private. I do. DP not so much. His parents are fairly open with money talk.

He was telling his folks about the money, they said "How much will you get?". He told them. There was a bit of a silence which I filled with my stupid joke 😬

MIL is mid-60s so not "elderly" and not in need of care ATM. I mean I don't think she'd have thought about the money as useful for her care.

OP posts:
allthatfalafel · 29/11/2024 11:19

Well if you said "flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure" then no wonder you got the reaction you did. It's in bad taste.

There's nothing more unattractive than someone who is smug about being lazy the rest of their life, even more so when it's your son they're living off.

I would go back and apologise and say you didn't mean it in that way and you were just happy about your good luck.

Plum02 · 29/11/2024 11:19

For me it depends how long you’ve been together. If it’s under 2 years, she should have taken your comment as a joke and laughed but if she’s not keen on you and thinks there’s some truth in it (that you sponge off your DP) I can understand why she didn’t like your comment.

If you’ve been together 5+ years or have kids together then really his money is your money and she is being very unreasonable to try and suggest you should have separate finances (which is none of her business anyway).

Either way it sounds like she doesn’t like you, sorry.

Begsthequestion · 29/11/2024 11:20

allthatfalafel · 29/11/2024 11:19

Well if you said "flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure" then no wonder you got the reaction you did. It's in bad taste.

There's nothing more unattractive than someone who is smug about being lazy the rest of their life, even more so when it's your son they're living off.

I would go back and apologise and say you didn't mean it in that way and you were just happy about your good luck.

You'd be a mug then. It's a fairly obvious joke.

Jadeleigh196 · 29/11/2024 11:20

allthatfalafel · 29/11/2024 11:19

Well if you said "flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure" then no wonder you got the reaction you did. It's in bad taste.

There's nothing more unattractive than someone who is smug about being lazy the rest of their life, even more so when it's your son they're living off.

I would go back and apologise and say you didn't mean it in that way and you were just happy about your good luck.

It's called a joke...

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 29/11/2024 11:20

I feel that you were rude to treat something that usually is based in sorrow, so lightly and as if you were "waiting anxiously" to live the life you'd like to have. Even if you were joking, I am betting it came off poorly.
Your MIL was rude in turn, perhaps because she didn't like the way you were cavalier about it. Taken aback by your comment, she just burst out her first thought.

Both of you were wrong and each deserves an apology.

Leypt1 · 29/11/2024 11:21

ShatOnAndrew · 29/11/2024 11:10

Ah yikes, didn't expect so many comments so quickly.

Sorry, haven't read through them all.

Moneys not connected to inheritance
We've been together 19 years, married 11, we own a house together.

All our resources are pooled and have been for 16 years. PILs take the same approach to finances as us - all pooled. When MIL started hating her job and resigned for very early retirement, FIL's wages covered all their finances.

Wow, how hypocritical of your MIL then

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 29/11/2024 11:21

Writing him as DH in the OP would have been helpful, since P means unmarried.

DoraGray · 29/11/2024 11:22

How odd that you call your "husband" your DP.

betterangels · 29/11/2024 11:22

It was a crass comment. But she doesn't like you, or she wouldn't have said that.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 29/11/2024 11:22

Being married makes a hell of a difference op. If you weren’t then you’d have no claim, however, you’ve been married and a couple for a long time. What’s his is yours. MIL is being a bit odd in my opinion. If you were to divorce him, you’d have a legal claim to half because he inherited it during the marriage

betterangels · 29/11/2024 11:23

DoraGray · 29/11/2024 11:22

How odd that you call your "husband" your DP.

Also this. Because if he was a DP, I would have agreed with her.

AllOpinionsAreMyOwm · 29/11/2024 11:24

@ShatOnAndrew

When MIL started hating her job and resigned for very early retirement, FIL's wages covered all their finances

I wonder if she took the joke you made as a dig at her early retirement.

Sugargliderwombat · 29/11/2024 11:24

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 29/11/2024 11:21

Writing him as DH in the OP would have been helpful, since P means unmarried.

No it doesn't. It means partner. A partner can be married or unmarried.

OP since its not conneted to inheritance and both you and your in laws pool money I don't think she should have been snipey about a silly joke.

Enjoy your early retirement 😁

senua · 29/11/2024 11:25

If you do an advanced search on OP you will find a discussion about wills. OP says, "DP doesn't want to leave anything to his family including nieces and nephews."
I wonder why MIL is so sensitive / prickly?

JustinThyme · 29/11/2024 11:25

DoraGray · 29/11/2024 11:22

How odd that you call your "husband" your DP.

Pfft. I call mine my partner and we’ve been married 20 years. We were together unmarried for longer than that.

CustardCreams2 · 29/11/2024 11:25

Why would you refer to him as DP? Even if he is your husband, there are some things that are tacky to joke about, money like this being one. If it even was in fact a joke.

diddl · 29/11/2024 11:26

It probably wasn't the best comment to have made but it does sound as if she doesn't like you.

BarbedButterfly · 29/11/2024 11:26

I really don't like the constant mentions in this thread about how if you aren't married the money isn't yours. People can be in long term relationships with pooled resources. My mum and partner have been together for 22 years. They will never get married but neither would consider inheritance as their own only.

I have seen this before on here, where it is implied relationships without marriage aren't as serious which irritates me. Yes, legal protections etc.

Anyway, now I am done ranting. You are married and were together before that. The money is nothing to do with inheritance or your PIL at all from my understanding. Maybe they didn't like the comment but it is none of her business and also, from extra info, sounds pretty hypocritical too.

MarmiteRoasties · 29/11/2024 11:26

I think you both let your masks slip

Sugargliderwombat · 29/11/2024 11:27

CustardCreams2 · 29/11/2024 11:25

Why would you refer to him as DP? Even if he is your husband, there are some things that are tacky to joke about, money like this being one. If it even was in fact a joke.

It's also tacky to ask your adult son how much money they are coming into.

CarrotPencil · 29/11/2024 11:27

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 29/11/2024 11:22

Being married makes a hell of a difference op. If you weren’t then you’d have no claim, however, you’ve been married and a couple for a long time. What’s his is yours. MIL is being a bit odd in my opinion. If you were to divorce him, you’d have a legal claim to half because he inherited it during the marriage

Edited

They are married.

OP I will be in your position soon - married, big windfall from DH’s side (not inheritance, not from family). In that instance yes, as I said in my first post, everything pooled and shared 🙌

Marriage makes a massive difference. ‘It’s just a piece of paper’ that entitles people to shared finances etc. Everyone married is a gold digger, if you like 😉 literally the only point of marriage in this day and age.

Oh @WhimsicalGubbins76 edited their post while I was typing mine…

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 29/11/2024 11:28

@Sugargliderwombat husband is different to partner. There's business partner, jogging partner, dating partner. A spouse has a legal contract.
This thread is now not relevant to the OP because she used the wrong term in the original post, implying her and her 'P' are not legally connected, when they actually are, and people aren't seeing her update. 🤦‍♀️