MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

Exactly my thought! Can't you see why your remark would piss off his Mum? You DID sound like a grabby gold digger!

Also, it gets worse

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry, but no, not appropriate OP.

I'm a SAHM and DH came into money. I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything like this to my PIL!!

It's perfectly plausible that if the person has recently died, their house may be sold next year.

There's only a month left of 2024.

There are some things you think, but should never say out loud. I wouldn't have found OP's comment funny enough to laugh, but I would have very quickly moved the conversation on to another topic, not make some bitchy and inappropriate remark that would make others feel uncomfortable. It's really about emotional intelligence, which this MIL seems to lack. These kind of comments don't exactly enhance relationships.

Yeah, that comment is absolutely horrible. How embarrassing. 😳 Who the hell would say such a thing, and even laugh. Beyond distasteful.

I think this is it.
Not a great remark to make
Is the money from one of her relatives who died?
If not she's being a bit spikey that it's her DS money not yours, her issue not yours
I would consider it her issues ,note to self that perhaps it was a bit off to say that and move on

I’m with DP’s mum on this too. If DD came into money and her BF “joked” that he was quitting his job to be a man of leisure and live off of DD, I’d be pretty horrified. It smacks of classic gold digger behaviour, and the “joke” is even worse if this money is the result of someone’s death.

So the boyfriend's mother is the one who 'lacks emotional intelligence' but not the OP who made the comment, in the first place? The only one here who lacks emotional intelligence is the OP. She made two crass, selfish gold-digging comments.

I'm on Team DP's Mum

She's just looking out for her son

Where's the money coming from? If it's an inheritance what you said is very distasteful.

'You're coming into money as well are you?" from the MIL could be argued to be equally distasteful in this context.

It felt like she was suggesting you're gold digging because that's exactly what are doing. If this money is coming from an inheritance what you said was in extremely poor taste.

Was your comment in jest? I read it as so but you don't explicitly say.

If you're not married (you say DP) then it wouldn't be yours legally, and if it's going to come from an inheritance then it was a very tasteless thing to say. Actually it was a bit of a dodgy thing to say anyway unless the circumstances are unusual.

If I were you OP I would clarify to your partners mum that it was a joke and a really bad one. Apologise. If you get along with her you need to do it. I mean you’ve said it now, and she will never forget it, it’s such a red flag.

And I suspect there is something in what you said, because otherwise it wouldn’t even be in your head to joke about it. It just wouldn’t be something I’d think or dream of saying. But you need to say something to her, because it was a really bad thing to say and then have the stomach to laugh about it when clearly she thought it was a rude and distasteful thing to say. Even after that you dug your hole deeper and laughed.

You didn't. You had a mother-in-law type relationship. You have to be legally married or in a civil partnership to have a MIL. If you are not married or in a civil partnership, you are not legally the next of kin either. That doesn't preclude your partner's family deciding to take account of your wishes.

How long have you been dating this current boyfriend? Any plans to live together?

Maybe your boyfriend's mum resents you (as the current girlfriend) taking over your boyfriend's money-to-be even if you think you were joking.

Well your comment suggested you were gold digging so what response were you expecting from her? If my DIL said that, my opinion of her would definitely go down.

If I were your mother in law I’d have said the same.

How long have you been together? My DP and I have been together for 13 years, lived together for 12. If he came into money, it's his to decide what to do with it. I will voice an opinion but it's literally just that. Ditto if it was the other way around.

It would be different if we were married with kids. I'd expect/insist it to be family money then.

Ah yikes, didn't expect so many comments so quickly.

Sorry, haven't read through them all.

Moneys not connected to inheritance
We've been together 19 years, married 11, we own a house together.

All our resources are pooled and have been for 16 years. PILs take the same approach to finances as us - all pooled. When MIL started hating her job and resigned for very early retirement, FIL's wages covered all their finances.

It's never a good idea to talk about how you would spend someone else's money.

Ha

okay well in that case she must have a bee in her bonnet about something. You sound perfectly entitled to a say in the money.

I think OPs original comment was the one lacking in emotional intelligence. Massively.

Responding off my phone with limited data and have seen you have since updated which didn’t come through on my phone, so will reread and then comment.