MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

It's not an inheritance though so no sorrow involved. OP is married and says her MIL took very early retirement as she didn't like her job and was then supported by OP's FIL. OP was actually joking, but not working while being supported by her husband is something that OP's MIL actually did. She's a bit of a hypocrite.

Ooof yes, that would put a whole new slant on the ‘joke’!!

Yes sorry 🤣 I quickly scrolled up to double check I’d got my facts straight and I hadn’t!! That’s what you get for logging in during a quick tea break. Lesson learned!

I always take DP to mean life partner may or may not be married.

I have a "DP", we got a civil partnership because we wanted to be partners not husband and wife. In fact when we got our civil partnership our registrar made it clear that we wouldn't be husband and wife. Although it does seem from some googling that this is not necessarily true.

I tend to use partner and not DP /DH by preference. So often abusive other halves get the "D"H/P/W making the "dear" meaningless.

@ShatOnAndrew I get the urge to fill an awkward silence with a joke. I'd leave it be for now and if it comes up again just explain it was a joke to fill a gap.
Every time I get a pay rise my partner asks if it's enough for him to give up work yet

Very odd for you to not mention him being your husband of 11 years in your first post rather than specifically calling him a 'partner', it is obviously relevant to the situation.

Either way, you made a 'comment' (you don't call it a joke) and she made a 'comment' back, could it be that both were 'jokes' that didn't quite land? without knowing how much money or where from and what sort of relationship you have with your husband, or your working history it's hard to know if MIL was being uppity or if she genuinely feels you are being grabby.. nuance is everything here to be honest.

I still think it is odd to gloat about spending your 'husbands' money purely on yourself alone though, but everyone is different I suppose.

Yep this is what I think having read through everything now. It could come across as snide, even if you didn’t mean it that way.

Nail on the head.
She sees it as her son's money, not yours.

Sorry, I should've said DH in the OP. I never us the word "husband" or "wife" to describe our relationship but it'd have helped here (though I agree with others, being married shouldn't matter).

It was a joke. But rooted it truth - I definitely will give up my job and be a lady of leisure 🤣

Are you married? If yes, she was unreasonable.

It shouldn’t matter, but from a legal standpoint it very much does. If you weren’t married I’d have understood MILs response, but you are, so it just comes across as belittling and snidey.
Hats off to you for keeping quiet though.
I adored my MIL, but if she’s made a comment like that there’d have been fireworks! 🤣

Hahah at least you’re being honest.

Haha after being together that long, you're definitely entitled to do that if that's what you've agreed with your husband :) I'd very likely do the same in your situation!

As PPs said, it felt like she'd "told me off" and made clear she doesn't really consider me family. That's what I found hurtful. Thanks for articulating that so much better than I did.

How creepy that you’ve stalked OP. Nothing better to do with your morning?

Legally, being married absolutely does matter from a financial POV. The distinction is important.

Ooh that is hurtful. You are married to the man so your life will improve. Maybe her mama bear popped out, maybe some jealousy.

I find it depressing how many comments suggest a relationship isn't as worthy if the couple are not married, yes there are legal differences but many many people have very long term relationships with children, mortgages, joint bank accounts who are not married and wouldn't dream of not sharing money with their partner, and to be so petty as to tell someone they can't use the term "in-laws", how absolutely ridiculous. My husband and I were together for 15 years before we got married- we already had children, had joint finances, called the other ones family "in laws". I never wanted to get married, as far as I was concerned it was a ring and over priced party. The only reason I proposed (he knew how I felt so never would have) was because he was diagnosed with cancer and I knew we needed something to look forward to. We had a lovely day and got some nice photos and he quite likes the fact that we now have the same surname- in regards to having joint finances and sharing any money we come into -it has changed absolutely nothing.

Odd people wouldn't share an inheritance with a long term partner.. I'd assume that would be the case.

Sharing it yes. Allowing your partner to flounce off and live a life of luxury off it would depend on the amount. Yes if it was enough to allow both of us to do that!

At that stage OP hadn't come back so I was checking to see if she was yet another plop-and-run.

she doesn't really consider me family.
Says the woman who prefers 'partner' to 'husband'. Do you never think about how your words are perceived?

Will your husband be able retire early as well? Because that might also influence how his mother reacted to your comment.

I think the silence after hearing the sum of money speaks volumes. Could she be feeling a bit jealous?
Your comment (with the context of being married and pooled finances) wasn't odd but her reaction was - maybe she just hadn't had time to manage how she was feeling or put her thoughts in order.

Your joke was tactless. I have never thought a man should support me and would not be happy if my sons were doing that. I think it just builds problems for the future, sets the wrong example for the children and puts too much strain on the man which will build resentment. Most of all I dislike it because women intellectually are left behind by that model. Obviously you do you - but I think anyone not being aware of the downsides and being insensitive about it can come across as being, well, insensitive.

Personally I see partner as a stronger term of endearment than husband. Anyone can be a husband it takes someone special to become your partner.

It's one of those things where people pretend it was meant as a joke after once they see the reaction.

Appropriate things to say would have been:

"I'm really happy because DH won't need to be in his stressful job any more"
"I'm looking forward to being able to spend more time with family"
"It's a relief because we were really struggling"
"We're excited to be able to invest the money in a property to flip"
"It will secure DGCs' future so we don't have to worry"

"I can't wait to be lazy, lol at my joke" is a bit sad and a weird immediate reaction. At least now the OP has money she doesn't need to worry about surviving on a failed comedy career.

Sorry, I should've said DH in the OP. I never us the word "husband" or "wife" to describe our relationship

Weird that you use Mother-In-Law to describe his mother then? 🤔