MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

Totally agree with you @WhimsicalGubbins76

also as pp’s have pointed out, this thread exemplifies how people can get very funny and bitchy when money is involved. Loads of people tying themselves in knots to make out the OP is a crass gold digger.

its both their money as a couple! Even if OP had never worked a day in her life.

the fact that they’ve usually had similar earnings makes the MILs comment even bitchier

I don't really get why people who think couples who make a decision to marry or form a civil partnership, are the same as people who don't. You either form a legal tie or you don't. Some people actively decide to have a relationship with someone (they love or want as a companion) but do not wish to form a legal tie. That's not denigrating people in long term relationships who aren't married or in civil partnerships. That's a personal choice. But it isn't right to imply being in a long term relationship should be the same as a married couple or a couple in a civil partnership.

MIL really has no business being offended by it. It's not her money.

Tbh I think what you said would have got my back up a bit too OP. Can't quite put my finger on why, other than it's partly grabby, partly presumptuous and partly braggy, with a dollop of being desirable to be kept by a man thrown in. It's not the sort of thing I'd want to hear from anyone really, and I'd have been tempted to a similar response to hers. I wouldn't see this as a hurtful sign she doesn't see you as family. The opposite, as its the sort of thing you might say to gently chide your own DC.

Your mother in law was protecting her son, that’s all

See I'd find that quite insulting. As a wife, you have your husband's best interests at heart. They don't need their mammy protecting them from you.

Sorry but I’m with your MIL. That money is your husband’s not yours to suddenly decide to live off! What if your marriage broke down? How would you survive then? As you wouldn’t be entitled to half of whatever he has left.

I mean, she literally would be entitled to half. It's a marital asset.

It’s the law, no assumptions needed.

What an odd comment.

‘Protecting her son’ 😂😂

No, she’s making stupid comments for one reason or another. He’s married so unless he divorces the OP before he sells up the money is jointly hers.

IF he is her husband, then it is very much her money and her business.

IF, as she first said, he is her DP then it is about as much as her business as it the business of the dalmatian living across the road.

They are legal strangers to each other.

You made a flippant comment, your MIL bit back. She's probably forgotten all about it and so should you - you're overthinking it. Enjoy the money, enjoy an easier life and choosing how to spend it with your partner.

There's a difference between knowing that you're legally entitled to half the money and rubbing your hands and saying "Yippee, I'll have mine in tenners, please!"

I think OP is making a mountain from a molehill tbh
Op's remark wasn't great, Op MIL retorted back. Not a big deal.

My mil has a hefty dose of internalized misogyny. Maybe yours does too. You have done nothing wrong OP. Kick up your heels! 💐🥂💅🏼

Thanks for clarifying OP, and for me at least this all makes a huge difference

It also makes it harder to work out what MIL's peeved about, but anyway it hardly matters; as his lomngstanding wife what to do with the money is a decision for yourselves and nobody else

I guess if it was the other way round, you came into money and your husband commented to your mum that he was planning on leaving his job and living off this new found fortune...do you reckon your mum would've said something similar? I guess if it was all meant to be light-hearted then no problem. But it does seem like it might have touched a nerve as far as MIL is concerned. Presuming you assumed she'd find the comment amusing rather than serious? If it was serious then would you think her response was somewhat justified?
Either way it's not even really her concern.
Maybe don't mention your or husband's financial affairs around her in future.

Not at all. I have nothing to do with it - there are directors, shareholders, investor groups, lawyers, valuations people that are all shaping the "potential". Absolutely nothing to do with me at all.

Thanks everyone- I agree that I'm making it a much bigger than it needs to be. It happened yesterday and has been playing on my mind. I know its ridiculous. It's really helped to think things through on MN though. Thank you!

I definitely wouldn't discuss finances with anyone. But DP's pretty easy breezy about it. It was all said as part of a conversation for what direction his business might take and they asked how much selling a chunk of it would bring in.

I'd personally have been quite vague but DP's pretty chilled so was more specific about figures 🙄

But how is it different if they are still together and obviously have an agreement to share money?

Position on separation / CGT / IHT is obviously different, but I am not seeing how a long-term cohabiting relationship is any different to a marriage on a day to day living basis.

@GranPepper "But it isn't right to imply being in a long term relationship should be the same as a married couple or a couple in a civil partnership"

Why not?

OP fwiw you sound really nice and laid back and nothing like what some posters are accusing you of.
I hope that this deal goes through and that you and your DH enjoy the well-earned rewards of hard work.

Because either party legally can decide to stop sharing at any point and the other person has no claim on money in their name. It is absolutely completely different as unless you are completely stupid you would be guarding against this happening every single day.

It’s sounds like she retaliated to your comment which I think was really distasteful, even in jest.

Do they have DC? I wonder who went on parental leave and done the majority of the lions share then? Hmm… I wonder who supported this man all through his career to make this stuff happen, the mind boggles.

Eh, because you are not the next of kin, you don't have to divorce if you separate, you don't have legal rights to inherit if the other person dies, you don't have the right to direct how that person's funeral should occur (although their next of kin/family could decide to take account of your wishes), you don't get IHT relief, you don't automatically get a pension a spouse would, if you are a man you don't get to go on birth certificate of a child unless the mother agrees to it etc. The difference is marriage/civil partnership creates a legal tie. Phone a Solicitor if you need more information on the difference.